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Urban Legends: Bloody Mary (2005)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Mary Lambert

Starring:
Kate Mara/Samantha
Robert Vito/David
Lillith Fields/Mary
Audra Lea Keener/Heather
5 10
PLOT-CRUNCH
A bitter ghost named Mary (Fields) pops up to butcher the children of the peeps that took part in her murder in the late 60’s. It’s up to two apple pie siblings (Mara and Vito) to solve the ghostly shenanigans. Scoobi-Doo-Bi Die!!
THE LOWDOWN
When Director Mary Lambert first burst on the horror scene with Siesta and Pet Semetary, I fell in love. I so grooved to her visual style, her affinity for the macabre and hoped that she’d become the female John Carpenter. Although Pet Semetary 2 wasn’t a “great” film by any stretch, it still displayed the gal’s savvy behind a camera, so I was still optimistic. But than she did the lousy The In Crowd and that was that on that, my dream went down the drain. Now the lady returns to the grave with Urban Legends: Bloody Mary. Is she back in top form or was this another brain cell waster?

This “sequel” to the Scream (1996) copycat slashers Urban Legend (1998) and Urban Legends (2000) should’ve just been a Bloody Mary movie and ran with that. Its attempts at tying in with the previous films via throwaway references and a specter that kills with urban legends (Why again?) were lamer than lame to say the least. With that aside Bloody Mary did have a couple notches on its genre bedpost worthy of a gander. The highlight of this “Studio, lets milk the cow Special” was without a doubt the OUT THERE KILLS which were mucho cruel and in one instance so “over the top” nasty that I actually smiled in sadistic glee. Now that’s a freaking murder! Everybody take notes! The ample female flesh on display lent a helping spank as well. We didn’t get any full nudity but we were served up enough skimpy outfits and tiny undergarments to please. Lastly, the acting was above average in skills while the plot, although shamelessly derivative of countless other BETTER films was interesting enough to keep my balls on the screen.

Sadly the film’s unoriginality made way for one of its biggest downfalls: predictability. Anybody that’s watched at least one slasher flick and two ghost opuses will not only know what’s going to happen eons ahead of time but also most likely solve the “mystery” and the eventual “whodunit” right off the bat. It’s hard to be on the edge of your butcher knife when you’re ahead of the slaying the whole way. The flick was at times quite silly as well (A pugilistic ghost…wha???) and when you stop and think about it afterwards, the plot had more holes in it than Chasey Lain on all fours earning her daily crack dose. Lastly was that CGI bonanza finale really necessary man? I felt like somebody interrupted the film, plugged in an Atari System and started playing “Cheapo” the game! Talk about anti climatic and tacky to the extreme! Something nastier and more grounded would’ve worked much better. When will they learn! Oh and incidentally: if you’re going to do a Bloody Mary movie and go out of your way to state the rules in your film as to how to beckon her, how about when it comes time for it, you do it right? Use a goddamn mirror for Christ! They’re not THAT expensive! Sheesh!

On the whole, Bloody Mary was a well acted and harmless time waster with mucho fly kills on its side to liven things up. Don’t expect much and you still won’t get much but at least you just might get semi entertained…like the a-hole writing this review was. Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary…there…I said it….Where the broad at? I need a date!
GORE
Like they always say; if you haven’t got smarts or originality on your side, butter the buns up! We get a roasted cadaver, a girl with spiders coming out of her face with glass shards in her head who then winds up ripping her face off (great freaking kill); a hung/eviscerated animal, an elbow bone popping out of its skin and more! The gore was the film’s mains strength!
ACTING
Although a little too “low key” for my taste, Kate Mara (Samantha) gave out a fine performance and made me give a damn. Good job! Robert Vito (David) was likeable as the “take charge” bro. Lillith Fields (Mary) was hot as a charcoal and mucho effective as the bitter spirit…call me! Audra Lea Keener (Heather) put out a solid delivery and had a “Tara Reid when she was healthy” thing going on for her. Yup she was a hottie! Tina Lifford (Grace) came through as the loveable comic relief stoner.
T & A
We get enough teen girls in undergarment with butt cheeks and breasts bobbling out to make one fixate at the Kleenex box with anticipation. Thank you Miss Lambert for the tight shots on female assets, I appreciated them! You the dame!
DIRECTING
When the random bad editing wouldn’t drag the film down, Mary Lambert would shine via her stylistic and bleak mood imbued shots. The lady still has it! Time to apply those skills on a better horror script!
SOUNDTRACK
The subtle yet creepy score worked wonders for the film while the late 60’s ditties fit in terms of the feel they were supposed to evoke.
BOTTOM LINE
This cheap trick was Ringu doggy-styles Nightmare on Elm Street, eats out Hello Mary Lou Prom Night 2, sixty-nines Urban Legend while being tweaked on mild sedatives! Although far from unique and quite asinine in places, Urban Legends Bloody Mary put out a tolerable narrative and enough creamy flesh/groovy deaths for it to be worth a lick. Think “Wam Bam, Thank you Mam”! Rent it, hit it, get off on it and then never acknowledge its existence again. It worked for me!
BULL'S EYE
The script was written by X Men 2 scribe Mike Dougherty and Dan Harris.

The spider scene had to be done via CG when the real spiders just wouldn’t cooperate.

The flick was shot in Salt lake City, Utah.
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