ARROW IN THE HEAD REVIEWS

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Vampire Clan (2002)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: David Webb

Starring:
Drew Fuller/Rod
Kelly Krueger/Heather
Timothy Lee DePriest/Scott
PLOT-CRUNCH
A group of angst-ridden and let’s face it, freakin' loser teens run away from home and are led to murder by vamp wannabee Rob (Fuller) and his delusions of grandeur. A boiling “Arrow” ensues...
THE LOWDOWN
WARNING: This review contains some foul language and has an above-the-norm pissed off Arrow ranting. Reader discretion is advised. This review has been Rated R by the Motion Picture Association of America.

Let’s face it friends...we live in one hell of a fucked up world with fucked up peeps in it. You know the drill; people who had a rough upbringing and use it as an excuse for all the shitty things that they do, people who are lost and would rather believe bullshit than face reality, people who prey on the weak to make themselves feel stronger and people who use others as emotional crutches. Well, this film is about all those people. YIPPEE FUCKY DOO! What ever happened to standing up straight, lifting your head up high with pride and dealing with your issues like REAL men or women? GRRRRRR!!!

This tale is sadly based on a true story which made what transpired even harder to digest for me. I mean, are folks that stupid??? Throughout the running time of this flick, I just kept cursing like a sailor! I started off early by cussing the pathetic leader Rob (Fuller) non-stop. I was literally spitting gobs of saliva at my TV screen! I just couldn’t get over how Rob believed in his own bull crap. Sure buddy, you’re a vampire who has a coven in New Orleans…pleaseee…get a freakin' job already before I backhand your silly ass! Then to make it worse, I also couldn’t get past how his dumbass crew actually went along with it his asinine jive like blind mice in need of a heavy stomping. I’ve had conversations with sheep (I was on something, let it go) who showcased more individuality than these imbeciles! Which brings me to where the film is at most fault in this regard…

The script just never gave me enough background info or substance on any of these human trashcans so that I might actually be able to grasp why they would A) Need to run away from home B) Go along with this Vampire fantasy and C) In some cases, commit murder because of it. What were the reasons behind their actions? Hell if I know, because all I saw here were a bunch of twats with no spines in dire need of a baseball bat lesson from yours truly. Sure, I got hints of one dude getting molested in his past or some shite like that, but that wasn’t even close to enough to justify his actions; quit your whining, lift your sack and go get some professional help!!

The flick did almost get it right when it came to the endearing Kelly Krueger and her character of Heather though. The gal acted almost normal, was quite cute and I came close to connecting to her, but alas, the script went on to ruin even that positive “joo-joo” by making her a passive weakling. I’m supposed to believe that Heather was trying to escape this motley crew of nitwits??? Why should I? She never really tried to flee! Take that tampon out of your ass girl and DO SOMETHING! Pretend you have to go wee-wee in the bushes and run! TAKE ACTION! She did nothing, nada, jack all. In consequence, I felt no sympathy whatsoever for her or any of these kids and wished them all the electric chair and the gas chamber AT THE SAME TIME!

On an entertainment level, the story was told via two different flashbacks and unfortunately for my BORED self, neither one was interesting enough to get into. In fact, apart from the murders-- nothing really happens here! The film’s bland and detached execution didn’t help that either. Nobody and nothing is explored! COME ON! But the biggest drag of all was the middle section which entailed our heroes’ redundant road trip to New Orleans. How many times are they going to show scenes of them stopping cars to then have nothing but trivial bickering occur? TOO MANY DAMN TIMES! I mean sure this is based on a true story and maybe it really went down that way, or maybe it didn’t. Either way this is a freakin' movie-- give me some obstacles, some tension, some high stake situations…engage me man!

Any “nice” things to say about this cruddy clan? Sure, I appreciated the film on a technical level; the budget was obviously low, but director Webb still managed to inject some decent style into the picture and use play with sounds to "up" the feel of certain scenes. The actors were also all pretty good-- I didn’t loathe the performers in the film, just their despicable characters. Lastly, I grooved on the soundtrack and some of the punk/goth or whatever you want to call them tunes popping up now and then. They kept me awake. Best of all, the tape made for a useful beer coaster once I was done watching it.

All in all, "Vampire Clan" not only bored the crap out of me, but it also grated me to the point of seeking great vengeance in furious anger. Needless to say, I now need a drink to take the edge off cause I’m this close to stepping outside and beating on the vagrants polluting my doorstep. GOTTA LOVE DOWNTOWN! Get up you bums...stop pissing on my entrance and go to work! Life is not about handouts! They probably think that they’re vampires too…ARRRRRGH!
GORE
We get two off-screen bloody beatings and messy after-the-fact discoveries. We also get some wrist cutting and blood drinking.
ACTING
Drew Fuller (Rod) had the looks and the talent: now all he needs is to find a good movie in which to display them. The same can be said about Kelly Krueger (Heather) who was up to the task. She had a very strong presence. Unfortunately, the script let her down as well. Timothy Lee DePriest (Scott) must have been good as the “Igor”, insecure sidekick because I wanted to slap him around and yell out "BE A MAN ALREADY, BITCH!"
T & A
We see the mom character in the shower through the door, but she has her back turned to us and is wearing a G-string for some odd reason. If you’re going to show your ass, SHOW YOUR ASS! If not…don’t! BAH! The ladies get…NATHING!
DIRECTING
Webb slapped in some effective atmosphere via dark images at times and provided an eerie use of sounds. At other times, the film looked flat and lacked energy. It also never succeeded in getting under my skin; taking into account the story behind the images...it should have.
SOUNDTRACK
We get lots of kool punk/rock/Goth ditties; probably the best elements in the film.
BOTTOM LINE
"Vampire Clan" had some decent acting and tunes and at times, slick directing, but on the whole, rubbed me the wrong way from every freaking angle. I just couldn’t find an anchor to the story and I truly, and I mean TRULY, despised the characters in it. If I ever find these pathetic losers in real life I’m going to call a couple of hard pipe-hittin' brothers, who'll go to work on them with a pair of pliers and a blow torch. You hear me talkin' hillbilly white trash vamp wannabees? I ain't through with you by a damn sight! I'm gonna get medieval on your asses!
BULL'S EYE
This flick is based on a true story that occurred on November 1996 in Eustis, Florida. The Vampire Clan was a real group of white suburban teens who believed that they were real vampires. I guess the jail time they’re serving today must have changed their minds about that nifty fantasy. YOU A VAMPIRE NOW TOUGH GUY??? LOL!

Director John Webb is a graduate of Florida State University School of Film, Television & Recording Arts.
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