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Sometimes I get pulled in by what I know will be a shitty movie and get excited about seeing it. Why? It varies from case to case. In terms of VICE (which opens in limited theaters and on VOD today), even though the trailer looked like B Movie fluff; it had Thomas Jane in it, Bruce Willis, Ambyr Childers looking fine and an action/sci-fi plot that granted reeked of familiarity, but hey if well done could be a blast! I was expecting Westworld meets IRobot by way of Blade Runner but on the cheap. So is that what I got? Well... this will be a stream of consciousness review. Basically my random thoughts spat out as I was watching the flick with my broheem and beers in tow. You figure it out!
-Talk about setting up your main plot and the “rules” of the game in a vague, lazy and shoddy way. Hard to build something solid on a shaky base. It’s not starting on the right stab.
-It’s Exposition for Dummies dialogue scene time! They're already over-complicating what is at its core a simple plot. Sigh...
-Am digging Ambyr Childers' "Pris from Blade Runner" hair-cut! She wears it well.
-Thomas Jane owns it and makes the dull/non existent characterization that came with his role interesting just because, well, he’s Thomas Jane.
-Look Bruce Willis in a room smirking! How much do they cost again? 3000$ per smirk? Earn that paycheck brah!
-Where is this damn robo-resort located anyways? Inside a building? Within a city block? On a street corner? In my bathroom? Show me dammit cause if you told me, I didn’t hear it.
-It seems that every guy that roams the streets at night in this film is a rapist... urg...
-They love over-doing that blue lighting here! It goes from looking slick in some scenes to looking cheap in others.
-Damn the storytelling sloppy. It’s like the flick was shot and edited with ZERO finesse or attention to… well anything. Talk about a heartless assembly job…
-Thomas Jane’s groovy trench coat and that toothpick he's chewing one are stealing the movie.
-The more we clock forward, the more Blade Runner elements I see here... shit, there's not one original bone in this one's body is there?
-Look Bruce Willis in that same room smirking again! The f*ck you smirking about? Your whole world is going to shit!!!
-The shootouts here could not have been shot in a more uninspired way. Bang, bang, reverse, falls dead, bang, bang, reverse, falls dead… can somebody at least TRY to up their game here, on any level?! Anyone?!! Bueller?! Anyone?!
-When did Johnathon Schaech start looking like Apu from The Simpsons? I didn’t get the memo on that one. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Apu does rule. Thank you come again!
-More useless exposition dialogue! Shovel it my way! Come on! Sigh...
-Where did Thomas Jane go? I thought he was the lead here!
- The generic score doesn’t even fit with the visuals and it NEVER stops playing. Freaking annoying! You can fill dead imagery with noise all you want – the Band-Aid trick is NOT working.
-So a robot-chick getting a cerebral upgrade means her hair will be slicked back, her mascara will go the Blade Runner raccoon way and she’ll punch like 2 guys. Most worthless “upgrade” ever. What's the point of having an ass-kicking chick if she doesn't kick enough ass?!
-The Vice resort has the worst security ever it seems i.e lack of budget for extras and action scenes. I've seen grocery stores that were harder to take down than this dive...
-Thomas Jane so doesn't want to be in this movie and it shows. And hey, I don't blame him.
-So many innocent security guards who were just doing their jobs getting heartlessly killed here. Poor bastards.
-Look Bruce Willis in that same f-ing room firing a gun with one of the worst muzzle flash effects ever created! I guess he was out of “smirks”…
End Credits rolling; VICE is a film filled with ideas, characters and plot devices ripped off from better movies and it explores NONE OF THEM at any depth. They're all thrown at the wall in the hopes that something will stick. Nothing does. Yup, when all was said and done, the only reason I had fun with VICE was because I tapped it with my buddy and we mocked it throughout. Thomas Jane is better than this drivel and so are you!