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ARROW IN THE HEAD REVIEWS

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Watchers 2 (1990)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Thierry Notz

Starring:
Marc Singer/Paul
Tracy Scoggins/Barbara
Jonathan Farwell/Steve
4 10
PLOT-CRUNCH
Two genetic experiments escape a science lab. One is a smart Golden Retriever and the other is a butt ugly gorilla-like beast that’s mentally set to go where the pup goes. It’s up to Marc Singer and his low rent army buzzcut to save the day.
THE LOWDOWN
Based on horror writer Dean R. Koontz’s novel of the same name, the concept at the core of "Watchers" and this sequel (i.e. retake on the same material) is on paper, pretty damn groovy.

A dog and a monster are created for military purposes. The dog is the infiltration unit and the monster that has a psychic link to the pooch is the muscle. Dog goes in, monster follows, monster kills intended target and then slaughters the dog. Sounds like some Kibble 'n Bits fun, no? Well why can’t they get it freakin' right on celluloid??? When compared with the original Corey “fly shirts” Haim snoozer "Watchers", "Watchers 2" had a tighter pace and stayed closer to the book. It also matched the first movie in terms of displaying the interesting bond between both animals and some cute dog antics. But those minor perks didn’t come close to saving this silly baboon from being one hell of a stale watch.

There wasn’t anything in this sequel that remotely buzzed me out of my seat. Narrative-wise, much like a working girl doing the “doo” for chump change, the film went through the motions lazily and in a detached manner. Talk about a dead lay! The plot turns had zero weight to them while the so-called "action" was on low jive when it came to “thrills”. I’ve seen Budweiser commercials with more punch than this baby! Visually, the directing was pedestrian at best with the occasional tacky creature POV shots that solely managed to bring me back to the days of Disco. Trippy. Lastly, the uninspired kills and the dryer than 3-day glue gore, failed to stimulate my horror G-Spot. So apart from my balls, there wasn’t much for me to hold on to while watching this puppy.

Admittedly, I did get a few cheap laughs via the dime-store creature costume which actually managed to look worse than the awful get-up they had in Part 1. What an accomplishment! Not only that, but the performer behind the “K-Mart” accoutrement overdid the “acting” bit to a ridiculous degree. The man lumbered around and waved his arms as if he was on stage playing for the back row or something. Pipe down, Junior! This isn’t Macbeth, a-hole! Marc “Donovan” Singer’s hammy performance also cracked me up (the man name-drops the fact that he’s in the army like nobody’s business…we get it!) I always got some easy smiles from watching Singer play action hero. I don’t fully grasp as to why though...there’s just something about the lad. I guess I just like laughing at him, but in a good way. Having said that, I wanted horror through "Watchers 2", not laughs. If I craved a good chuckle, I would’ve hit my local strip joint to witness naked chicks spinning around on metal poles instead. “Look at me mom...I’m an artist!” YIPPEE! NOW THAT’S FUNNY!

In the end, "Watchers 2" wound up being the kind of trash that you could watch without watching. I personally wasn’t asking much from it-- some easy kicks and red spills would’ve been enough to make me a happy slasher-- but the flick couldn’t even deliver those in satisfactory doses. Watch that middle finger as it rises, now stay with it until it expresses discontent at "Watchers 2". YOU SEE THAT SHITE? BINGO! YOU GOT IT!
GORE
We get some face slashing, an impaling, a severed head and lots of off-screen kills. Gotta love those off-screen kills right? NOT!
ACTING
You either dig Mark Singer (Paul) or you don’t. I happen to like the guy (I was a big “V” fan) and laughing at, or with, him is always a hoot. Tracy Scoggins (Barbara) did what she had to do, but her top stayed on and that was quite the bummer. Jonathan Farwell (Steve) chewed into his Dr. Frankenstein role and had fun with it. I bought it.
T & A
We get one unexciting tit shot (the earth did not move) and the ladies get the ugly, dickless creature “au naturel”.
DIRECTING
Apart from a heavy use of bluish/reddish lighting and the acid trip creature POV shots, the direction was standard and uninspired.
SOUNDTRACK
We get a score that went from tacky to somewhat effective. We also get some old school rock tunes.
BOTTOM LINE
The creature and the Golden Retriever are taking a dump in the woods. The creature turns to the dog and says, "Hey dog, do you have problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The poochie barks back, "No, why do you ask?" The creature picks up the dog and wipes his ass with it. The End. Roll credits. That played-out joke would make a better sequel than "Watchers 2". Yes, that’s saying a lot. I’m still waiting for somebody to take the slick “Watchers” concept and make a good movie out of it because this film wasn’t it. See it to laugh at it or if you’ve already masturbated 3 times throughout your day and need to kill time. Or better yet, don’t see it at all and do something constructive, like masturbate for a fourth time. Arrow out!
BULL'S EYE
Rumor has it that the monster suit in "Watchers 2" was the same one director Notz used in his film "The Terror Within". Words to the wise...burn that suit, it blows!

"Watchers 2" was produced by B-Movie King Roger Corman.

There is a Watchers 3 and Watchers 4. Great…
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