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Whiteout (2009)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Dominic Sena

Kate Beckinsale/Carrie
Gabriel Macht/Robert
Tom Skerritt/Dr. John Fury
Columbus Short/Delfy
Hot lipped U.S. Marshal Carrie Stetko (Kate Beckinsale) is on an "escape her past" slum job in Antarctica. All is dandy until a stiff pops up to give her something REAL to do 3 days before she's to book out.
I didn't have much faith in WHITEOUT while cycling inside the theater and ringing my bicycle bell. I mean it was directed by Dominic Sena, a man who has yet to live up to the GENIUS that was his first film KALIFORNIA. It was propped at the 2007 Comic-Con right after wrapping (yes 2007, shit, I was 14 years old then, how time flies) then it flatlined on my ass- nathing. A release date was hurled out (April 24, 2009), but April came and went - again... nathing. And finally cruddy VAGUE trailers surfaced and the film got spit out this September of all months, a time that many consider to be Hollywood's garbage day. So yeah, I was a weary motherf*cker with this one, bracing myself for the worse. So was it that bad?

WHITEOUT (based on the 1998 graphic novel of the same name by Greg Rucka and Steve Lieber) was by no means a masterpiece but for me it wasn't the turd sandwich that all the mainstream critics are calling it either. The movie was well shot, it ably capitalized on its chilling setting (pun intended), sported a couple of slick action scenes and tension charged slasher-ish moments (can't go wrong with a dude in a snowsuit wielding an ice climbing pick around like it was his dick). The bang on casting was definitely this one's main strength and it helped smooth over the kinks. Kate Beckinsale held her own (flawless Yankee accent in tow) while being magnetic to gawk at (I couldn't take my eyes off her plump lips - that "slightly open mouth" thing she does - yum), Gabrile Macht (yeah The Spirit bitch... wanna make something of it) brought some much needed macho charisma to the game and the always class Tom Skerrit did his thing  (although I like my Skerrit with a stache not in Chris Christopherson mode). Add to that a cool score that upped the bleak mood of the piece, a couple of money gory bits and an effortless pace and you get passable thriller. One that made for an easy and dense buck & half of fluffy entertainment. Straight up, a I kept thinking of throughout this f*cko was: I shouldn't be watching this here in this scummy theater on the big screen, I should be snuggled up to some broad I dig and tapping this on my TV set. WHITEOUT was so THAT kind of movie for me. A Sunday DVD afternoon, get serviced while checking it, time waster.

On the severe OUCH side of things; this dumbass sported some serious lapses in logic now and again. Moreover, it went a little too buck nuts with the flashbacks for my liking (you don't need to flashback to what just happened FIVE SECONDS AGO man) and I wouldn't always fully get what was going on. Questions like these arose: How did we get from here to there? and Who's who in that snowstorm fight? Can't make them out.. Do keep in mind that I'm an absolute moron, hence it may not be totally the film's fault as to the latter point. My biggest peeve with this one though had to with its see through whodunit (I figured it out 10 minutes in), its way too obvious plays with red herrings and the meh WHY behind it all which was far from compelling. When I found out WHY all this went down, I was like..."that's it?". Come on man, give me more than that! Toss a ghost in there, a The Thing leftover, possessed lesbian sluts, a Yeti...something! Cause this was way too "Miami Vice" normal.

All in all, I stand by my drivel, WHITEOUT was weak tit but not the Anti-Christ of bad films, it was a run of the mill thriller that your mom will love and that you may appreciate if you're watching it under the right circumstances: at home - on DVD - while getting your pole waxed or your peach smacked on. I am done insulting your IQ.

We get gun shot wounds, a slit throat, mangled up bodies and some pick attacks. Not to gory.
T & A
Kate Beckingsale in her tidy whities = Arrow happy. Kate Beckinsale taking a shower behind an overly foggy door = Arrow not happy. Any questions?
WHITEOUT was a typical thriller that was never boring, sported a strong cast (Beckinsale and Skerrit owned) and a cool locale. It also spit out a couple of money action/stalk bits. Yeah the flick was dumb in places, its mystery was handled clumsily and the WHY behind it all was lamer than this review. But hey, you got time to kill? You're at a loss as to how to murder it? Try Whiteout! It may just do the trick. NOTE: Bring Beckinsale back for UNDERWORLD 4 already - enough foreplay - lets start f*cking.
Reese Witherspoon was once attached to be the lead early in the game.

The film started shooting on March 5, 2007 in Manitoba, Canada and then my home town of Montreal, Canada.

Author Greg Rucka, applauded the film adaptation of his novel. I wonder how he feels today.


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