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Zombeavers (2015)
Written by: The Arrow
Director: Jordan Rubin

Starring:
Rachel Melvin/Mary
Cortney Palm/Zoe
Lexi Atkins/Jenn
Hutch Dano/Sam
7 10
PLOT-CRUNCH
Three girlfriends tap a cabin in the woods to help one get over being cheated on by her boy. Their chill weekend goes to shit when a horde of Zombie beavers (Created by way of a barrel of toxic waste falling in the lake…what else?) come a knocking for some fresh flesh chewing.
THE LOWDOWN

When I pressed play to watch Jordan Rubin’s Zombeavers (watch it here yo), I prayed to Crom that it would be a smutty horror/comedy that was obviously made by a horror fan and that didn’t hold back on the exploitation goodies. And when the film opened with the hilarious Bill Burr (and John Mayer... the dude acts?) having a side splitting convo while driving a truck carrying barrels of toxic waste on it, which of course leads to the Zombeavers outbreak (classic horror trope); I knew right there and then that I would be in good claws.

For what Zombeavers aimed to be, it pretty much succeeded on all fronts. The slick animated intro set the right "goofy" tone off the bat, the raunchy dialogue often had me in stitches, the bikini clad (or plain topless) pretty ladies on hand teased the beast in my chinos and the many sex jokes got all kinds of giggles out of me. You definately have to be in the right mood to watch a movie like this; basically drunk, (ideally with buds around), stoned or hung-over; I was the latter and this silly, dirty little pill went down smooth. The film’s approach to its horror was groovy as well in the sense that they knew their tale was f*cking stupid and they ran with the f*cking stupid of their premise. The characters were of the stock variety but they actually went against conventions in terms of who lived and who died, which wound up keeping me on my toes. The Zombeavers themselves were fun stuff! They were conveyed via decently made yet silly looking animatronic puppets or by way of hand puppets (which had me grinning of course). Oh and THANK YOU for not taking the CGI route, the flick would have lost lots of its charm that way.

And how do you top off, clever dialogue, Courtney Palm’s boobies and dumb looking beasties? Well you pour on all kinds of gore on top of it! ZOMBEAVER didn’t skimp out on the red grub, relishing in tossing icky plasma my way and hey I wasn’t complaining. Now, usually with a movie of his ilk, you get the goods but there is a price to pay and that price is a cast/characters you can’t stand… well not on this run Taco! Allow me to give the fine thespians in this Zoo some love! Rachel Melvin, Mary Atkins, Hutch Dano, Jake Weary (who was also in IT FOLLOWS) all owned it and then some! I did have a special place in my heart for Peter Gilroy as Buck who kept having me smile through his “I loved to hate” role, character actor Rex Linn (Remember him in Cliffhanger?) killed me with his every dead-pan quip and Courtney Palm as the looser of the dames often managed to steal the show as Zoe. Was it the sexy accent, the top that kept falling off or the actress’ dead-on comedic delivery? Yes it was all of that.

Any drawbacks? Well let’s be honest here, the chain of events at hand had been done to death a zillion times, so there was little that was original about the narrative, but because it’s beavers instead of regular Zombies, it came off a as semi fresh. There was also a shift in the story line that somewhat came out of nowhere to send its story home. Although it wound up being pretty funny, the turn felt abrupt and rushed. But as I write that, I can‘t help but say out loud “who gives a shit” it’s a movie about Zombie beavers chasing peeps… it’s hard to blast it for anything really. A story this inane is almost bullet proof. Finally there was NATHING scary or remotely suspenseful here. It was all gore, ass and laughs for this asshole!

On the whole Zombeavers was exactly what you think it should be; a smutty, funny, gross and stupid horror/comedy. I had fun with it hence mission accomplished! Get f*cked up and go down on this beaver!

GORE
We get a lot of bites and scratches, beavers that are shot, cut or stabbed, a messy deer accident, a severed foot, blood splats, a face eaten up and more!
T & A
Courtney Palm goes topless, all of the ladies are in bikinis and the ladies and gay dudes get a penis shot on a phone
BOTTOM LINE
What can I tell ya? Zombeavers hit the spot for this jerk. Think Critters meets American Pie! It was funny, out of line, smutty, sexy, gory and did I mention it was funny? Sure the story was basic 1-2-3, there was nothing scary here and the second plot point was a tad abrupt, but hey who gives a f*ck. If you have people over to get trashed with, this is the movie for yall! You had a rough night and just wanna hang back with something stupid; this is the movie for yall! PS: It’s called Zombeavers, hence expect at least one vagina joke – that’s what you’re getting yourself into! YEEHAW!
BULL'S EYE
Stay tuned for a sly scene after the end credits.
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