The 10
Ugliest Characters
Let's just get this out if the way early, that picture above is
of a real dog. His name is Sam and before he passed away last year he was voted
the World's Ugliest Dog for three consecutive years. Rest in peace you little
spawn of Satan. Now, this list is wide open for controversy, partly because
everyone's opinion on what's ugly is different and partly because a couple of
these picks are based on real dudes. I'm just judging the characters here
people, the men and women in the make-up. They were made to look this way for an
effect and it's my job to make fun of them. Let the pageant commence.
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for 10-6
5. Rocky Dennis -
MASK (1985)
Here's where I tread lightly. The real Roy L. "Rocky" Dennis was
afflicted with craniodiaphyseal dysplasia, an extremely rare bone disorder. He
died at the age of 16 in 1980. Eric Stoltz piles on the make-up in order to play
Rocky on screen and ..... well, let's just say it ain't pretty. His mother,
Rusty (Cher), fights to get his giant head into a normal junior high school and
both end up with Golden Globe nominations for their efforts.
4. Melvin Ferd -
THE TOXIC AVENGER (1985)
This what happens to you when you jump into a drum of toxic
waste wearing wearing a pink tutu shortly after getting caught making out with a
sheep. So, you know, don't do that. Melvin (Mark Torgl) wastes no time in making
his new appearance into a positive by becoming Toxie (Mitch Cohen), the crime
fighting, radioactive, mop wielding super hero.
3. Belial Bradley -
BASKET CASE (1982)
I love this little dude. Belial is the Siamese twin of Duane
(Kevin Van Hentenryck). The doctors that separated the two severely f*cked
things up and left him as a fleshy pile of cartilage and razor sharp teeth.
Linked telepathically with his brother, B tends to get jealous when Duane starts
getting some action via the local hottie so he hops around town and destroys
anyone that gets in his way. Yes, I own this movie.
2. John Merrick -
THE ELEPHANT MAN (1980)
Dr. Treves (Anthony Hopkins) finds John (John Hurt) at a freak
show and decides to have him over for tea. There's more to the story but I
couldn't stop looking at that forehead so I missed a bunch. Merrick suffered
from Proteus syndrome but, for some strange reason, people always link him to
elephantiasis. Weird.
1. Lotney Fratelli -
THE GOONIES (1985)
The ugliest of the bunch is also the most loved. Sloth (John
Matuszak) goes form scaring the shit out of audiences in that back room to
saving the day in the end, all while looking like he was on the short end of a
fight with an avalanche. The twitching ear, the laziest eye known to man, the
strategically placed teeth, it all makes it easier to proclaim "JoBlo.com love
Sloth" and you should too.
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12:24AM on 09/21/2006
But otherwise, bravo for composing a list that will make some of us feel a little better when we look in the mirror tomorrow morning...