10 Off-Screen Moments I wish We Could've Seen
Sometimes there's just not enough time to show us everything. A lot of important moments in movie history have happened off-screen and, for the most part, I'm good with that. Super secret surprise twists benefit from it, mystery killers stay hidden from the audience, gruesome deaths are reduced to squishy sounds and blood splatters. Sometimes though, I want to see what happened. Not just to explain plot holes but to maybe add depth to a character or to sit in on a well deserved beating. Maybe, I could even get to see some private booby moments. I'm not picky.
BEWARE SPOILERS!
Honorable Mention - Athena's Porno - THE GIRL NEXT DOOR (2004)
Just the idea that there's a porn movie that stars Elisha Cuthbert is kind of life-altering for me. Imagine they actually shot this for the DVD? "SPECIAL FEATURES: KUNG-FU COCK CHOP - Full Length adult film featuring Elisha Cuthbert and Steven St. Croix slamming their groins together while training in the arts of the Orient, as seen in the film." Good Lord, sign me up.
10. Bogs' Beatdown -
THE SHAWSHANK REDEMPTION (1994)
Suck this, bitch.
Hadley (Clancy Brown) is such a puzzling character. You hate him right off the hop, then he buys the boys some beers, and delivers this justice-via-baton to Bogs after he rapes Andy one too many times and you love him, then he kills Tommy and you hate him again. Either way, I needed to see this. There should actually be a reality show on the subject - men who rape men in prison get beaten to within an inch of their lives, lose their ability to walk, and live out the rest of their lives drinking food from a straw.
9. The Younglings -
REVENGE OF THE SITH (2005)
Worst game of Tag, ever.
I have a few points to make here before you think I enjoy watching children die. 1) No scene would better display Anakin's transformation to the dark side. 2) I bet these little whipper-snappers put up a decent fight. Imagine a room full of mini-Jedi fighting Darth Vader. Cool, no? 3) If these kids already took the Obi-Wan class of dying they'll just disappear when struck down. No blood, no screams, no puberty.
8. Wrong Number -
E.T. (1982)
Who hasn't woke up naked under a bridge in a puddle of filth with a raccoon humping their head?
I just want to know what the hell happened that night. We left Elliot and E.T. chilling in the woods with the world's biggest homemade cell phone and some tasty Halloween treats. Come morning, Elliot jets and leaves E-to-the-T looking like he spent the night with a trunk full of cocaine, Lindsay Lohan, and a strap-on. At what point during the night does the kid lose a five-foot alien? What is he all pink about? Who brought the moonshine? So many questions, so little extra footage.
7. Silent Death -
NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN (2007)
Who shot the Goonie?
Two hours of incredibly tense moments as Moss (Josh Brolin) avoids the creepy stalking of Anton (Javier Bardem) and his trusty bolt pistol and then his death at the hands of a truck-load of crazy Mexicans is edited out? I wanted to see this shoot-out bad. Did the drunk bitch at the pool just get caught in the crossfire or was she packing under the beach towel? Did Moss put up a good fight or did he get capped fresh off the shitter? Where's the f*cking money? God dammit, I feel retarded sometimes.
6. Ding, Ding -
ROCKY III (1982)
Loser gets Paulie.
Above is the final frame of ROCKY III. We get teased with Sly's abnormally hairless and shiny muscles along with Apollo's mack-tastic chest-fro and all we get is a freeze frame. This is the rematch we all wanted. An hour and a half of montages and warm-ups with Mr. T was all foreplay to this moment. To be honest, I love the way this movie ended. I just wanted to see them knock each other out again with nobody there to count them out.
See you in a bit with 5-1
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9:46PM on 06/16/2008