The Cast of Our Porno
Berge emailed me the other week and asked if I could come up
with a list of actresses I want to be in a porno in honour of Kevin Smith's ZACH AND MIRI
MAKE A PORNO, coming out this Friday. I told him I've been working on
just such a list for twenty years. After he hung up on me I ran down the stairs,
de-panted, and locked myself in the office for days. Holding auditions for a
porno is a tricky task, especially when none of the actresses know they're up
for the role. Some women are just too iconic for me to include. Salma, Biel,
Alba, Bellucci, and Portman were off limits if only because I'd rather not see
them getting drilled by another dude. I have more personal uses for all of them.
I worked long and hard (HA!) on a list of women that could look hot while
delivering the power of my dialogue, mid-violation. A lot of research, a few
trillion pop-ups, and some separation papers later, I'm ready to unleash the
details of our very first movie. I call it WHO'S THE WHORE? It will all make
sense later.
Click here for 10-6
5. Jamie Pressley as Lay
Away (the helpful hooker)
For some reason I think Jamie has had already done porn. A lot
of porn. Turns out she's nothing like the white trash characters thrown on her
lap every time a movie films in a trailer park. She can, however, do the sex. I
might as well give her a co-directing credit since she got her nose into every
intimate scene I filmed by telling the amateurs what they were doing wrong,
where to put what, and when to throw a punch. She was actress, director, writer,
fluffer, orgasm producer, and stunt cock. I can't explain the last one.
4. Carla Gugino as Salma
Hayek (the dream girl)
Just because Salma is too precious for me to cast doesn't mean I
can't get her involved somehow. Every good porn should feature a dream sequence
in which the hero gets to fulfill her (my) wildest fantasies. Our hero wants to
bump bat weights with Salma Hayek. Carla's portrayal is flawless here. She shows
up dressed as Santanico Pandemonium (Salma's character in FROM DUSK 'TIL DAWN)
minus the python, does Serendipity's dance scene from DOGMA, and goes full-out
FRIDA on her ass before she wakes up. This might be JoBlo.com's finest moment
ever.
3. Eva Mendes as Dirty
Sanchez (the back stabber)
At one point in our story everything seems perfect. There are
sensual pillow fights, the red-ball harnesses are fitting perfectly, all the
blood tests come back clean, and every vacant face is sat upon. You might think
this is the end of the film. You would be wrong. A hidden agenda lurks deep
within the circle-jerk. A woman horribly scarred as a promiscuous teenager seeks
her revenge. Her name is Dirty Sanchez. She has poop on her face. An innocent
college lifestyle experiment between roommates left one girl's fetish fulfilled
and another with a stinky moustache. Ms. Sanchez has not forgotten that night
and the time is right for her retribution.
2. Megan Fox as Hot Box (the
villain)
Meet evil. She likes it in the butt. More than anything though,
she wants our hero dead. Hot Box's title as "Best Lay in the World" is being
challenged by an up and coming (HA!) woman of integrity and beauty. World
records are falling, Viagra is being replaced by her scent, and people are both,
dying and coming back to life while having intercourse with this new heavenly
piece of ass. Hot Box won't stand for it and needs to sample the goods for
herself before destroying this vixen. She will have........ The Sex of Death!
1. Alyssa Milano as Samantha
Micelli (the hero)
That's right, our entire film centers on the ongoing life of Sam
from 'Who's the Boss?'. I figured no woman has dominated my obsessions for as
long as Alyssa Milano. She's just as hot now as she was when I was dreaming
about her in 1985 (I was 11, so park your perv comments). If Debbie Gibson was
still relevant she would definitely have a supporting role. Sam has moved on
from her dysfunctional home life in which her father was both man and maid of
the house. After marrying his employer things never seemed the same for Tony,
his new wife's hair growing out of control and eventually turning against them,
a step-son turned step-daughter after many operations, and the light of his
life, Sam, striving to become the world's biggest whore. This is her story.
PREVIOUSLY:
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4:20AM on 10/30/2008