The Ten Spot 2/2 - Badass Scars

I have a scar on my left shoulder blade from a backboard I ripped off it's pole whilst hammering down a monster dunk over a friend in the summer of '88. That's pretty badass right? I tell the story to neighbourhood children after they poke my belly and yell "Fatty McFat Fat" over and over. The keys to a good scar are placement and story. You could have a nice looking gash above your eye that makes you look like a mysterious pirate but when people ask you how you got it your answer better not be "I tripped on a pebble and fell face first into my weed wacker while grooming the yard." Not badass. You might also have a tale of fighting off giant piranha in the basins of the Amazon during a hurricane. "It's like they were flying" you might say. However, if the bite marks all resemble little pixie fairies holding flowers you might as well get Not Badass tattooed on your forehead. Below are some of my favourite fake Hollywood scars ever. Special thanks goes out to Graham, who sent this idea to me a while ago. If you want your top ten idea turned into a Ten Spot be sure to email me at jimlaw@joblo.com and we'll get the ball rolling. Now on to the badasses, all of which, by the way, would have been dunked on by me back in the summer of '88.

When someone is trying to shoot you in the face, don't hide behind glass objects. This advice has saved me a lot of grief more than once. The only thing Harlen was missing here was a cool nickname and new Super Villain status. I'm certain if he would've went by The Shimmer Man or Shatterproof or something sweet like that he wouldn't have almost been capped by a kid in the end. Speaking of that kid, you think he ever realizes just how many f*cking people had to die (including his mom, dad, and brother) because he hid in that car? Worst "bring your kid to work day" ever.

There's no real explanation as to why Ernst (awesome name by the way, I always thought this was German for "and") has such a badass face in this film. Every other time he popped up in a Bond film the scar was either gone or you didn't get to see his face. Something tells me it has something to do with that pussy he's always petting. Dr. Evil stole his bit from Blofeld in the AUSTIN POWERS movies, as did Dr. Claw in the 'Inspector Gadget' series.

They weren't much for skin grafting in the old West. When Tully (Lee Marvin) manages to wiggle his way out of a scalping he's left with this raised mound of flesh that looks a little worse than the results of falling asleep with gum in your mouth. I'm sure his dusty cowboy hat isn't helping in the healing process either. All of this probably explains why Tully is drunk every time you see him on screen.

Dude ate his own nose. This, of course, was after he skinned his own face, fed it to his dogs, and dug out his own eyeball. That was one hell of a party he and his friendly therapist, Hannibal Lecter, had but kind of common, I bet, for the 70s. Who hasn't heard of those crazy disco benders that were filled to the rafters with mind-altering drugs and self mutilation? Imagine waking up after this ordeal just in time to see one of your dogs pooping out your lips on the carpet.

The scar from having a tattoo removed isn't all that badass, I know. When said tattoo was of the ship that delivered the Hirshima bomb the story gets a little cooler. When said ship gets hit by a Japanese torpedo and sinks in twelve minutes without a distress signal because of the mission's secrecy, you've got my attention. Then the sharks came. Quint bobbed around the water watching 784 members of his crew get eaten by sharks, wondering when they're going to come for him before being rescued. Shit like that will leave a different type of scar.

They say nobody can kill Barnes but himself. Judging by his face, a lot of people have tried. Barnes takes the clichéd role of angry Staff Sergeant to a new level when he starts a war within the war after killing another sergeant that didn't see eye to eye with him. You can only imagine what kind of stories this guy has to tell. Not only about how his face came to look like a 100 piece puzzle but why he's so trigger happy on the bad guys, good guys, and the innocents.

He gives a couple different explanations as to why his face looks like that. Both are horrific, both make him badass. I imagine he made up both stories about the scars though. Telling Batman it was nothing more than a horrible Ultimate Frisbee accident does nothing for his legend. When it comes to villains, Jokester goes down as one of the greatest in a long time, but when it come to scars, he doesn't even have the best one in the movie.

Freddy was originally going to be my number one until I had time to think about it. Everyone else on this list is badass because they've lived to tell about their scars. Freddy only exists in dreams which means he actually died when he earned them. I'm sure there are a lot of cool scars in the dead community but that doesn't mean they get to brag about them. I'll give Fred the benefit of the doubt here since he's been around longer than most living, breathing characters but don't expect any oohs and ahhs when you show up in my head tonight to kill me.

Similar to Freddy but, in regard to badassery, it seems less is more. When only half your body is burnt to a crisp you get to do that whole split personality thing that serves Harvey so well. The Joker got all the spotlight this summer while Two Face had to sit in the shadows and watch his career, girlfriend, and the entire left side of his body get taken out by him. I dare you to ask him why he's so serious.

This motherf*cker is straight-up crazy ass. Don't let the bleached hair fool you, dude doesn't care what you think about him, only that you die a horrible death after failing to give him the ultimate pain he so desires. At first glance the scars aren't that much more special than anything else we've seen here. Look a little closer though and you'll see he can do cool-as-shit things like this.

I didn't see the Joker blowing smoke out like that looking like some sort of smooth aqua hitman pimp. Still not convinced? Imagine, if you will, waking up in the middle of the night and looking over across the room to see this staring at you.

The guy needs lip piercings just to keep his face together. He might not want to eat you but that doesn't mean he couldn't. And he loves pain. He goes after the world's most sadistic killer in hope of feeling unimaginable pain. When said killer, Ichi, fails to deliver he simply sits down and pushes two gigantic needles in his ears, loses that tiny little bit of sanity he had left, and then falls down a stairwell to his death. All this takes place after he cuts off a piece of his own tongue, dangling a man from his ceiling via meat hooks, stabbing him with stilettos, and pouring hot grease all over his body. Ironically, after watching this film nobody was more scarred than me. Badass.

Extra Tidbit: Since I wrote this article I've fell down the stairs twice and ate the corner of my car door. That equals out to 4 new scars. The Badass Gods are watching me.

PREVIOUSLY:

The 12 Coolest Movie Vampires
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