The 10 Best Surgical
Procedures
I've had two surgeries my entire life. One for a broken knee,
the other for my wisdom teeth. Neither left me with any super human strength or
special abilities. I tried suing the doctors but my mom wouldn't stop punching
me in the face whenever I brought it up. I guess this kind of shit only happens
in movies, them and their high tech future gadgetry. I'd take anything too, an
extra pair of knees, platinum teeth, super elastic earlobes, boobs, just get me
on the table and cut away. Take a gander below at how badass you can become with
the right alterations. Beware though, you might also become extremely evil and
start killing people. Everybody wins!
BEWARE SPOILERS!!
Honourable Mention:
Character Actor - TROPIC THUNDER
The dude playing the dude, playing the other dude went through
one hell of a cosmetic procedure to become said dude. Remember when Ted Danson
did this in real life and was almost strung up by his balls? No? Grow up. I know
this is hardly "surgical" but I decided early that it was going to be either Mr.
Lazarus here or Mark Watson (C. Thomas Howell) from SOUL MAN to be included on
this list. And I'm pretty sure Watson just used shoe polish.
10. Nerve Endings -
BATMAN
When you look back at it, Jack Napier got off kind of easy when
he fell into that giant vat of Axis Chemicals mystery solution. After a quick
trip to the local back-alley medical facility the dude looked no worse than a
really happy Mime. This and the fact that he killed Bruce Wayne's parents,
developed an uncanny ability to create chemically altered hygiene products of
death, and listens to Prince all seemed to rub Batman the wrong way.
9. Brains -
THE MAN WITH TWO BRAINS
"I couldn't fuck a gorilla." These are the kind of decisions
that must be made by Dr. Hfuhruhurr when he falls in love with a brain he's
telepathically linked to. He desperately needs a host body but can't bring
himself to kill anybody. When things finally fall into place, little Miss Brain
forgot to tell him she had an eating disorder in pre-op and balloons her new
body out to the size of a waterbed. I'd rethink that gorilla thing.
8. See Through -
HOLLOW MAN
Again, this is more of just an injection than actual surgery but
Sebastian Caine (Kevin Bacon) went through hell becoming invisible. I've seen
people go through less pain in a body cast. It was all worth it in the end
though, the guy got more ass being invisible than I have using roofies and rope
my entire life. Sure he dies in the end but at least nobody saw him scream like
a little bitch.
7. Pieces -
FRANKENSTEIN
If you're going to put together a human puzzle and bring it back
to life, try not to make him a seven foot tall brick shit-house and constantly
piss him off. Dr. Frankenstein ignored this advice and created a monster that
everybody hated. The bastard had the brain of sadistic criminal which eventually
leads to the death of a little girl and a hunchback, some fiancé rough-play, and
the attempted murder of his creator. None of this would have happened had they
used the body of Twiggy and Ned Flanders, brain. Just sayin'.
6. Re-Agent -
RE-ANIMATOR
Dr. Herbert West (Jeffrey Combs) has taken the premise of Dr.
Frankenstein and turned into a glowing green syringe of cluster-fuck. Not once
does West get his procedure to work which leads to him having to kill everybody
he brings back from the dead. Dr. Hill (head, above) gets two shots, one for the
head and one for the body, after decapitating him with a shovel. At what point
do you put the needle down and call it a career?
5. Trading Faces -
FACE OFF
If you could have this procedure done, who would the other face
be from? Keep in mind that both body types must be similar, nobody else knows
but the surgical team and a couple colleagues, and the chances are pretty high
that everything that could go wrong, will. For me it's no contest, Ben Affleck.
I'd get to hang out with Jason Bourne and Silent Bob, tap Jennifer Garner, and
constantly make movies no matter how shit they are.
4. Stumpy
& Groovy -
PLANET TERROR & EVIL DEAD II
Imagine if they had to amputate her breasts. What kind of bra
would be needed for duel grenade launchers? Cherry (Rose McGowan) makes the best
of her new machine-gun leg by killing anything in her path. Still not sure how
she fires it though. You'd think it would look weirder but since her tits and
entire facial region are already mad of foreign substances, you hardly notice it
at all.
How do you beat a M4 for a leg? How about a chainsaw for a hand?
Another do it yourself surgery finds Ash (Bruce Campbell) amputating his own
hand, because it wouldn't stop kicking his ass, and replacing it with a Homelite
XL. The thing never runs out of fuel and cuts through shotgun barrels as easy as
it does possessed friends and family.
3.
Nooooooooo! - REVENGE OF
THE SITH
I forgot about Darth the first time I did this article. I
scanned by the STAR WARS DVDs on my shelf and briefly thought about Luke but
wrote him off because his hand procedure is pretty weak (it's no chainsaw, yo).
I didn't even think about Pops until people started ramming it down my throat in
the Strike Back section for part one of this list. Anyhoo, Darth definitely
needs to be here. After being left a flaming bloody stump, the Dark Side medical
team does wonders to make him right again. And badass to boot, although that
costume doesn't do shit except keep him alive (unlike our number one).
2. Weapon X -
X2: X-MEN UNITED
We never really get to see what exactly happened to Logan, save
a few tiny flashbacks (above), but we kind of get the picture. Once he walks
into that smelting dungeon and we see the vat of liquid adamantium and the
familiar scratches on the wall, it's obvious Wolverine wasn't born with the
enforced skeleton and matching claws. Don't know why he's so upset though. A
couple hours on this table and he became the coolest super hero in the world.
Makes me wonder though, are those badass chops real or plugs?
1. The Shield -
ROBOCOP
Omni Consumer Products needed a face and a brain for their
latest product, the uber-cop that will end all crime in Detroit. Thankfully a
freshly murdered cop, Alex J. Murphy, is delivered in a bow-tied body bag and
the rest is glorious history. You have the re-animation aspect of FRANKENSTEIN,
the mechanical limbs of Ash and Cherry, the brain relocation of THE MAN WITH TWO
BRAINS, and the super hero status of Wolverine. It's all the best parts of this
list welded together. I'd buy that for a dollar.
PREVIOUSLY:
The 12 Coolest Movie Vampires
10 Awkward Movie Blow-Jobs
10 Costume Suggestions
10 Fictional Towns I'd Like To Move To
10 Reasons I Never Pick Up Hitchhikers
12 Great Moments in Unorganized Sports
My 10 Favorite Elevator Scenes
10 Fun-Filled Prison Riots
Hotties vs. Geeks II
10 Awesome Ex-Cops
The Ten Spot... archives here
Email to a Friend
Print Article
RSS Feeds
Send us a Scoop!
JoBlo on Twitter!
2:51AM on 12/12/2008