The 10 Worst Movie Weapons
I found that picture above just as my buzz was kicking in and
have been laughing for seven hours straight. This was after spending half the
night trying to come up with a Best Weapons Ten Spot. Realizing everyone who has
ever started their own website has done such a list and they basically all
contain the same weapons from the same movies, I decided to ditch the idea and
started drinking heavily. My wife walked in on me as I was puking all over my
Godzilla action figure while shouting obscenities. I explained the situation and
she simply suggested I do the opposite, a Worst Weapons Ten Spot, and then
packed a bag and left with the kids. She'll be back, I have all her underwear.
10. Sharks w/ Laser Beams on Their Heads -
AP: GOLDMEMBER (2002)
If you're going to get frickin' sharks with frickin' laser beams
attached to their heads you might want to let it out of the tank once in a
while. Other than killing one of his henchmen, Dr. Evil's new pets are pretty
useless while swimming around their tiny tank. Who knows if these things are
even trained to fight the enemy. Release them and they may just go around
shooting killer whales and large schools of fish. Think I'm taking this too
seriously? Wait until #9.
9. Schwartz Ring -
SPACEBALLS (1987)
Imagine every time you unleashed your fake lightsaber you had to
submit yourself to an overdone dick joke. While fighting you must make as many
dick references as possible and comment on the size and handle of your
opponent's weapon (dick). Now that the two spoof movies are out of the way and
I've proven my lack of sense of humour for the fantastic and sarcastic, let's
move on.
8. Bowler Hat -
GOLDFINGER (1964)
Odd Job consistently popped up on all those Best Weapons lists I
was talking about earlier and I just don't get it. I don't care how skilled you
are, wearing a razor sharp halo around your head is never safe. And what if Mr.
Job wanted to just rock out on the weekend in some cargo shorts and a
wife-beater? Unless he has trucker-cap and visor versions of this thing he's
going to look kind of suspicious. If none of that convinces you of it's
stupidity go watch the movie again. Guess how he dies.
7. Umbrellas -
BATMAN RETURNS (1992)
Imagine the amount of time and money it took Cobblepot to build
this arsenal of trick umbrellas. Batman has just as many, or more, special
devices tucked neatly into a badass looking belt. Compact, accessible, discreet,
and complementing. Depending on the situation, The Penguin needs to pack 5-10
umbrellas just to be safe and there's still always the chance he mistakenly
pulls the "cute one". I guess he's good to go if it rains though.
6. Toon Gun -
WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT (1988)
You might want to question using a gun that was a gift from
Yosemite Sam since I don't remember ever seeing the little bastard hit anything
other than himself on Saturday morning. The real problem here is the bullets.
They like to talk a big game but when the time comes to cap somebody's ass the
old age sets in and they get lost on the way to the target. I wonder who in Toon
Town took these random senile strays in the teeth when they got tired of
searching for Doom.
5. Sword w/ Hand Brake -
BEOWULF (1999)
It's kind of sad when the more recent animated version of the
same story is more believable than this live action dud. It's like they hired
everyone that was ever involved with 'Robot Wars' and told them to make cool
looking weapons. What we get looks like props from BRAVEHEART welded with the
utensil drawer from 'The Iron Chef'. Need more pop-culture references? Think
post apocalyptic ROAD WARRIOR type weapons put together by Data from THE GOONIES
while high.
4. Dynamo -
THE RUNNING MAN (1987)
At one point in this film Dynamo shoots Ben Richards with his
"lightning gun" and it doesn't even slow him down. You'd think with all the
Lite-Brites and that sweet fibre-optic mohawk Dynamo would cause some sort of
electrical threat to our hero. Nope. His pussy jolts barely have enough power to
stun the women contestants for a quick rape. He cruises around in his dune buggy
while singing opera until he finally meets his end via water sprinkler. This
might be the worst villain ever.
3. Stainless Steel Teeth -
MOONRAKER (1979)
At least carry a gun or something to slow people down so you can
bite them. What kind of super villain hires a henchman that poses no threat
other than biting? There's only so many situations that this can be useful,
right? Even then, it's not like Jaws is a zombie or anything. There's no
infection to be spread or hunger for human flesh, he just bites you and you move
on to save the day. He looks scary though, I'll give him that, but there's no
way James Bond is getting beaten by a guy that can be defeated by making him
chew on a ball of tin-foil.
2. A Mop -
THE TOXIC AVENGER (1984)
Shouldn't every cult horror hero have a cool weapon? Shove the
symbolism up your ass Toxie and get your giant radioactive hands around an axe,
or a chainsaw, or fucking sling-shot for God's sake. Anything would be cooler
than shoving a mop into the faces of your fallen foes. If I ever fell into a vat
of toxic waste and came out looking like a mud pie I'd just throw myself in
front of a bus. So..... props for that, I guess.
1. The Orgazmorator -
ORGAZMO (1997)
When I fight bad guys around the city whilst in the cover of my
alter ego, Banana Man, I tend to try and not have them come in their pants. I'm
not saying it doesn't happen once in a while (Banana Man's costume is very
revealing) but it's not your typical finishing move. This is especially scary
when you bring it on the set of a porno to do battle with the sleazy underground
of adult films. Orgazmo is lucky Peter North wasn't scheduled to shoot that day
(pun most definitely intended). There aren't enough batteries in the world for
this thing to exist anyway. I wouldn't make it out the front door. Zap. Nap.
Zap. Nap.
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5:57AM on 01/16/2009
As for this list, I think the only thing that might actually suck is that damn Beowulf thing. Man, that movie...">
As for this list, I think the only thing that might actually suck is that damn Beowulf thing. Man, that movie was [link] Lambert seemed to have such a promising career once, too!
Still, this list didn't particularly grab me, I will say.