10 Awesome Movie Babysitters
I have no recollection of any of my babysitters when I was a
little arsehole. Unless you count my brother, who forced me to stay up and watch
Dracula movies with him until I cried, at which point he'd make fun of me and
send me to bed and prop something in front of my door. Yup, I remember that.
Anyhoo, I sure as hell never had anybody as cool as these fine folks below. It
might have something to do with the fact that there were no serial killers in my
neighborhood or my tendency to stare at the television instead of getting
myself into trouble. Wait! I just remembered puking on one of my babysitters
when she gave me an expired piece of cheese. Good times.
Honorable Mention: Charlie
Hinton - DADDY DAY CARE (2003)
I find myself shit-mouthing Eddie Murphy way too much on this
site so I decided to include him here. I still think he's wasting his time with
these types of movies but this film has it's moments. It doesn't hurt that I'm a
father of two now either. I still want the old Eddie to come up with some new
Mr. T butt-sex jokes though.
10. Ted the Bellhop -
FOUR ROOMS (1995)
May not officially be a babysitter but when a father gives you
$500 to check on his kids every half hour, what do you call it? Especially when
these two brats do nothing but cause shit the moment their parents leave the
room. Drinking, watching softcore porn, discovering dead bodies under their
matress. Grow up.
9. Shirley Lyner -
THE BABYSITTERS (2007)
Hard to put on the list due to the fact that she never really
baby-sits anyone throughout the movie. Easy to put on the list because of those
abs, prostitution ring, and willingness to bang old dudes. You wish your
daughter had the business sense Shirley has, minus all the sucky-fucky.
8. Brand Walsh -
THE GOONIES (1985)
Their mom was just running to the grocery store for a few
minutes and Brand's only job was to not let his little brother outside. An hour
and a half later they're discovering lost treasure, fighting off crime families,
saving their entire community, and rolling with a seven foot deformed retarded
dude dressed as a pirate. To be honest though, Brand would have made this list
just for working out in the living room to Cyndi Lauper videos.
7. Rachel Carruthers -
HALLOWEEN 4: THE RETURN OF MICHAEL MYERS (1988)
She had some pretty big shoes to fill and was up to the
challenge. Even after she found out her boyfriend was cheating on her with that
slut she still had the presence of mind to not let little Jamie Lloyd get killed
by the masked mass murderer. Kind of bit her in the ass at the end but her heart
was in the right spot.
6. The Crazy Babysitter Twins -
GRINDHOUSE (2007)
"Hey, after you're done with the kid can you grab a couple
machine guns and help me kill mutating zombies down the block?" "Si, senor.
Queremos matar monstruos y tener pechos grandes." All babysitters I hire in the
future will have extensive zombie survival training. And be hot.
5. Mary Poppins -
MARY POPPINS (1964)
Isn't it every kids dream to have a babysitter show up with a
grab-bag full of magical shit? Cut all the singing and dancing hoo-ha and you
start to realize that this bitch can fly, yo. I watched this film as a stupid
child one gusty afternoon and immediately climbed to the roof with an umbrella.
Everything went wrong after that. The umbrella folded itself over and stabbed me
in the eye, my right ankle exploded, the lawn chair I landed on disintegrated,
and my mom made me a necklace out of my teeth, right before she grounded me for
eight years.
4. Buck Russell -
UNCLE BUCK (1989)
I have an uncle similar to Buck. He's as useless as a mop with
no water, drinks like a dehydrated tequila worm, and hangs out in some weird
dark basement dwelling with pictures of dead people all over the walls. Here's
where their story differs - my uncle never has those special life lessons. He
doesn't grow to be a responsible man and make good with family and friends (if
he had friends). If his life were a movie it would end kind of like LEAVING LAS
VEGAS with a pinch of SCARFACE and AMERICAN PSYCHO.
3. Kari -
THE INCREDIBLES (2004)
May not be as popular as some of the other entries here but very
few had to put up with what Kari did. Baby on fire, floating baby, baby passing
through walls, laser beams coming from baby's eyes. Kari handles all this shit
quite well and gets mind swiped by the government for her time. At least give
her a raise.
2. Laurie Strode -
HALLOWEEN (1978)
There's nobody better to have over, carving pumpkins, when you
want to cheat death. Laurie set the rules for all slasher survivors in the years
to come. Don't have sex and encourage all your friends to dress like whores and
have as much sex as possible. Two simple steps that gave her the majority of the
night to herself and the stamina to kick a little ass when the Boogeyman comes
calling.
1. Chris Parker -
ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING (1987)
Anybody that knows me is kind of perplexed at my passing over of
Laurie Strode for Ms. Parker. Thing is, babysitting should be about entertaining
the kids - not constantly having to save their lives and having to send them
running down the street screaming so someone can come rescue you as you hide in
a closet. Chris provides a night full of fun shit to do for these kids. Sure,
there are some situations that need a bit of saving, but it's PG-13 - nobody's
going to die and nobody's getting laid.
PREVIOUSLY:
The 12 Coolest Movie Vampires
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10 Fictional Towns I'd Like To Move To
10 Reasons I Never Pick Up Hitchhikers
12 Great Moments in Unorganized Sports
My 10 Favorite Elevator Scenes
10 Fun-Filled Prison Riots
Hotties vs. Geeks II
10 Awesome Ex-Cops
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8:45PM on 04/09/2009