My 10 Favourite Movie Strippers
Jessica Alba was not a stripper in SIN CITY. All she did was
twirl a rope around and dance. Strippers a) take their clothes off and b)
usually do some magic tricks involving a pole of some sort. If I went into
Alba's strip club I would have been escorted out for throwing bottles at the
stage and yelling "TAKE IT OFF! TAKE ANYTHING OFF! AND WHY IS BRUCE WILLIS
HERE?" The only nudie bars worse than that one was the one in FLASHDANCE ($7 a
beer to watch choreographed music videos live. Fuck off.) and the Titty Twister
in FROM DUSK 'TIL DAWN (don't get topless and then try to eat me. Fuck off).
Those rules above were the only criteria I needed to dive face first into this
bitch. Let's get naked.
Honourable Mention: Hawk - DETROIT ROCK CITY (1999)
There's no way this scene could be any funnier. In fact, if they
ended it after Hawk fills the pitcher up with puke I'd still give him a shout
out here. I swear to God, one day I'm going to get to my favourite puke scenes
in one of these columns. It's almost as funny as farting (note: start working on
fart Ten Spot also).
10. Barb Wire - BARB WIRE (1996)
I think the only stripping she does in the film is the opening
credits. That was enough for me. The water was a nice touch. It took your mind
off the fact that you've seen this woman naked more than you've seen yourself
naked and added some excitement to this, the most believable scene in the film.
This should have lasted an hour and twenty-eight minutes and then had her shoot
somebody. That's a way better film.
9. Cherry Darling - PLANET TERROR (2007)
Well before she could blow shit up with her leg, Cherry took to
the stage like a lady-tiger in heat. She'd be way higher if I could get over how
sculpted her face is. I'm not saying she's ugly or anything but when having your
leg replaced with a machine gun is the second biggest operation you've ever had,
it's time to step away from the knife. Or at least stop face-slamming it.
8. Cassidy - THE WRESTLER (2008)
Big points here for being 44 years-old when this movie came out.
If I walked into a strip club around here you could spot the 44 year-old dancer
within two seconds. She's usually standing alone by the bar, snorting coke off
the fries she ordered and yelling at her kids to get out of the DJ booth. Marisa
brings the hot here though and gives all thirty-something men hope that they can
find someone like her when their wives leave them within ten years.
7. Kat - ZOMBIE STRIPPERS (2008)
She may be dead for more than half the movie but that doesn't
stop Jenna Jameson from getting naked. The moments she's on stage are,
literally, the only scenes worth watching in this wretched film (I've watched it
twice). By the time she starts shooting pool-balls out of her poot-poot you
begin to remember why you rented (bought) this.
6. Christina - EXOTICA (1994)
The little school-girl outfit has never looked better. There's
waaaaaaaay too much plot going on in this film, taking away much needed screen
time from Mia Kirshner and her unique stage presence. The only way that scene
above (bottom pic) could be any better was if she started talking out of her ass
like Ace Ventura. I don't know why, but that would be awesome to me.
5. Serendipity - DOGMA (1999)
Salma stripping has the potential to make the top five of any
list I do (watch for her in the puking entry). This scene is made better by the
following facts - 1) New Edition busting some 'Candy Girl' to boogie with. 2)
She doesn't turn into a vampire. 3) The scene is almost immediately followed up
with a giant poop monster. It's like Kevin Smith lives in my brain.
4. Rose Johnny - POWDER BLUE (2009)
I haven't even seen this film, the trailer was enough. Jessica
Biel is at another level within my hottie-meter right now and it's a travesty
that I can't think up one good reason to tell my wife I need to rent this.
"Jessica Biel gets naked" hasn't worked like I thought it would. Next week I'm
just going to get it and I'll tell her I thought it was the movie about the
albino dude.
3. Helen Tasker - TRUE LIES (1994)
She's not officially a stripper but moves better than your
average porn star in the bedroom. I wonder if my wife would ever do something
like this to save my life. Actually, I wonder if my wife does this every time
she goes out with her friends and comes home with her dress ripped in half and
slicked hair. This happens every other weekend.
2. Alice - CLOSER (2004)
If there was nudity involved here this would have been no
contest. Still though, getting to see Mathilda all growns up and locked and
loaded with a thong was enough to make me stop breathing for ten minutes. I just
wish Clive Owen would shut the hell up for a few seconds so I can concentrate. I
don't know why but the pink wig moved her up a couple spots too.
1. Erin Grant - STRIPTEASE
(1996)
When I started this list out I had no intention of putting her
at number one. As things started to thin out though I began to notice how
fraking hot Demi Moore was in this film and just how nude she was throughout.
There were no dimly lit sets, body doubles, or quick cuts - it was just her and
those hardcore breasts right in your face for most of the film (I edited my
version and cut out all other plot devices). Good for her. And me.
Extra Tidbit:
The strip club I went to in Montreal with Arrow & Moreno featured a girl who was 6'5".
PREVIOUSLY:
The 12 Coolest Movie Vampires
10 Awkward Movie Blow-Jobs
10 Costume Suggestions
10 Fictional Towns I'd Like To Move To
10 Reasons I Never Pick Up Hitchhikers
12 Great Moments in Unorganized Sports
My 10 Favorite Elevator Scenes
10 Fun-Filled Prison Riots
Hotties vs. Geeks II
10 Awesome Ex-Cops
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6:48PM on 06/18/2009
and OrangeRush2112: it is, go to any LUSH store
and OrangeRush2112: it is, go to any LUSH store