I just got a chance to chat with Kevin Smith about his new book, SHOOTING THE SH*T WITH KEVIN SMITH, a collection of transcripts from his Smodcasts with longtime buddy and producing partner, Scott Mosier. Be warned. This is some seriously dirty stuff. I laughed my ass off while reading it. I laughed my ass off again when I realized that before I published this interview, I was going to have to look up how to spell “bukkake”. This interview is definitely NSFW if you've got a boss who likes to read over your shoulder. In Part One of our exclusive interview, Smith talks about what his wife won't let him talk about, the possibility of being forced to suck someone's dick during a bank robbery (and whether or not enjoying it a little makes you less heroic), dog sex, Helen Kellar, and how long he'd have to be stranded on a desert island with Mosier before he started flirting.

I'm putting in where he laughs, but I leaving out where I did. It would take up half the page.

Kevin Smith

I wanted to talk to you about your new book...

Ah, the book. It's so embarrassing when people say 'your book'.

Well, I know there wasn't a lot of actual writing...

[laughs] Yeah, well. I mean, there was talking, which is kind of writing. In terms of editing it down, I didn't do that. The transcribers, god bless them, because that was a lot of chatter.

I started reading this in the hair salon.

[laughs]

I'm not super-girlie and I have a pretty dirty sense of humor. I was laughing my ass off. When the women around me asked what I was laughing at, I couldn't tell them. Wrong audience, I think. I was reading the part where you ejaculate on your wife's leg while she is trying to put on mascara...

Putting a story like that out in the ether...number one it's a cry for help, number two, you just want to find out, does anyone else out there do this? Or am I sick and should I be looking into it?

Your wife is an understanding woman.

Yeah, she's my long suffering wife. Her only crime was falling in love with a fat man who obviously craves attention too much. Because now she's become an unwitting player in this passion play, where her identity is completely lost. She's just the wife. All I do is talk about being sexually obsessed with her and being fixated on that four inch patch...

Is there anything your wife doesn't want you to talk about?

Well, this one time we were doing a SModcast and she waved me off, talking about the actual specific mechanics of how she cums. How we fuck and how she cums...'I said why are you waving me off? There's nobody here but me, you and this dopey tape recorder'. And she was like, 'don't fucking give information like that out. I can vouch for you. I can't vouch for all the men out there. And there are fucking dudes in the world who will hear that and feel like it's license to fuck me or something. You know, she likes this...there are sick people out there Kevin. You can talk about how you cum as much as you want, because no other chick on the planet but me is going to fuck you, but for vice versa...' This is something that never would have occurred to me in a million years. I guess there is a place I can't go, which is to tell you how she cums. [laughs]

Ha! You're pretty graphic about what you say about her. It's pretty funny that this is the one thing you aren't allowed to talk about.

Yeah, well, that's the one she was there for. I guess I kind of benefit from the fact that she doesn't listen to it, really. She doesn't even listen to the ones that she's on. She told me the other day that she didn't even listen to the one I did with Harley. (Harley is their daughter.) How could you not? 'I know what you sound like. I know what she sounds like. If I ever forget, I'll listen to it.' Very sentimental chick.

I follow you on Twitter. And I can't look at your avatar with your Dachshund the same way after reading the chapter about your dogs having sex.

[laughs] Yeah, poor little Shecky. In that picture, she almost has that look in her eyes. You just can't see the bottom half of her. She had dripping fucking vag lips, like huge hairy meat curtains hanging to the floor because she got attacked by Mulder. I feel bad. You're talking about two creatures sitting there, acting on instinct and really regretting the fuck out of it later. You talk about walk of shame? They have to live with each other. [laughs] Forever. At least until one of them dies. So the little on feels like she can just abuse the big one. It's was almost like they got married with that heinous act. She'll just go and sit on him and shit. She humps his head. She's tiny...and he just kind of takes it because 'there was that one fucking time I got really fucking rip shit drunk during my time of the season and fucked the shit out of that little dog. I'm so ashamed of myself.

Well, everyone has someone like that in their past.

Not me, man. [laughs] I don't regret any of them. I'm glad they all did it.

So no Dachshunds in your past?

No Dachshunds. Believe me, I'm sure I was somebody's Dachshund. I'm sure I was my wife's Dachshund.

So I was looking at the back of the book, and after reading it, I think it's funny what they chose for blurbs. They mention Alanis Morrisette almost getting mugged, but they're not mentioning bukkake eggs.

Yeah, yeah, I guess there is some stuff you bury the lead there, huh? To find some shelf space for the back of the book...bukkake eggs, and this mother fucker talks about dog rape in excruciating detail. Talks about hanging vaginal lips and whatnot. This guy is always insisting the other guy would suck a dick. It would be tough, I guess, to find some shelf space in Barnes & Noble. [laughs] Unless they were putting you in the homemade slash fiction section or something.

You guys do talk about your dicks a lot, I have to say.

We do. And it's not because they're all that interesting. [laughs] We're kind of into talking about that which binds us. The common interest stuff. And the idea is we have that in common. So we can talk about many subjects but we always go back to the one which fascinates us the most. Dicks. Pussy. Cumming. Assholes. Hitler. Nazis. Wayne Gretzky. I mean, those seem to be the favorite topics.

I was fascinated by the Helen Keller being told not to masturbate in public story. When I watched THE MIRACLE WORKER as a kid, I don't think that was the first thing that came to mind though.

[laughs] All that shit is born out of being married and whatnot. I was just hanging out in my office and I heard Jen reading the Helen Keller story once, and I was like, wow. You've heard about Helen Keller since childhood, but there is a lot of shit that you take on faith with Helen Keller, that they tell you when you're a kid, and you're like, I guess it's true because they told me. But you're like Helen Keller, she couldn't hear and she couldn't speak, and she couldn't see, but my god, she wrote books and learned to communicate, and one time she repelled an entire alien attack and she pushed the sun back with her mind to save the Earth. And you always believe it. You're like, of course man! Helen Keller. And then I was listening to her read the story to the kid and I was like, I wonder if it was all propaganda. I guess it comes from living in a very cynical age. I wonder if at some point our country was down in the dumps and someone was like we got to cheer them up and shit. We've got this freak child who can do all sorts of amazing things. Lets make them believe in superheroes for a few moment...if we bothered to open up the computer we could find all this factual evidence...

Do you have a favorite story from the book?

I dig the no win scenario type situations. I love one when we were talking about, I think it was Hero Question Mark, where we talking about how we're at a bank, and some dude is robbing it, and I have a chance to save everyone by sucking this dude's dick. [laughs] And at first I asked for the cameras to be turned off, and the dude gets kind of outraged, so I have to go about it knowing that there's cameras. There's this high, overhead shot. A security camera shot of me hunched over this dude. The room is pin drop silent. A twenty minute blow job. You don't know that I guess, when it's going on in the bank, but the news later on reports [laughs] and they run the full, unedited twenty two minute clip. There's the weird overhead shot of me sucking off this dude, and people just waiting for me. Then at one point I'm pulling my pants down and I start fingering my own asshole, so obviously I'm getting into it. Am I still I hero if I enjoyed it a little bit? That just fucking makes me die.

I mean, the prototypical SModcast is actually in CLERKS where they sit around and talk about the Death Star contractors. So a conversation like that where you're going to save people, you extrapolate this bizarre situation where it winds up in this kind of heinous little sexual act, where you wanted some sort of gratification...it's just the kind of humor that I find enjoyable.

Well, I imagine what would happen if you were trapped on an island, now that I've read about it, would be very entertaining to say the least.

We would hope so. It would be very sexy to say the least. Because that's immediately where it goes in the first ten minutes. Once we're on the island, how long before we start fucking, I wonder.

So, how long would you actually give it?

I mean, I would give it a year. A good year. And after the year mark I'd probably start flirting with him and shit. Fucking jerking off in front of him and wearing less clothes or something like that. [laughs] See if he's picking up on it at all. The kind of thing where I say, 'I don't think we're getting rescued dude. I'm horny.

Would you ever consider doing stand up?

Naw. I've got such a weird carpetbagger career. And I don't deserve many of the titles I actually get. I'm barely a filmmaker, you know. I'm obviously not an author. You know, I've got so many fucking plates and I don't dedicate to one pass time. I don't get very good at any one of them. There are a bunch of them I'm terribly adequate at. Because of the one job, I've got access, and I can put them on display and whatnot, so if I were suddenly like, hey, I'm a stand up comic, it's just arrogant. It feels arrogant to me. So I get up and answer questions, and I realize they're funny and stuff. But at the same time, it's like I don't want the whole stand up community turning on me. Like, 'you fucking jerk. You back doored your way into this fucking art form. You jerk!'

I've done that so many times. I've got this great life and career where everything I've ever had even a passing interest in, I've kind of gotten to pick up and run with for a while. Stupid shit. Like, 'I'd love to be John Hughes'. And I did grow up to be a kind of version of John Hughes...I get the same kind of emails and responses fucking ten years on. 'Your movies changed my life and blah, blah blah and that kind of shit. And I wanted to be George Lucas. And I was George Lucas for a while. I had kind of a little universe and I had fucking merchandise and fucking plastic action figures. [laughs] Some that even look like me. And then, I want to be Neil Gaiman. And I got to be Neil Gaiman for a little while. Not as good as Neil Gaiman, but I got to write comics for a while. Play in that pool...I've been really blessed and lucky. It's cool...

To be continued...

Check out Part 2 of my Kevin Smith interview, where he talks about his new Batman character Baphomet, having to change the title of A COUPLE OF DICKS and the status of RED STATE.

Kevin's new book, SHOOTING THE SH*T WITH KEVIN SMITH is in stores now.