2007 Oscar Wrap-Up!

Last year I had the pleasure of skipping the Oscars completely, opting instead for watching the INDIANA JONES trilogy at the Ziegfeld in New York. This year – no such luck. My assignment? Watch every waking hour of the Oscar ceremony and report back to you, the reader. I barely survived. Here is my report present in live diary-esque format… (Those looking to cut to the chase can just click here for the winners.

8:30 – After a seemingly interminable pre-show (Who was that black guy doing coverage for ABC? That dude was terrible!) we’re off! The theme this year is apparently “Celebrating the Nominees” (as opposed to the usual theme of “Celebrating the Winners and the Nominees Can Go F*ck Themselves”) so we start with a Errol Morris directed short on the nominees. In typical Morris fashion it’s subject in front of a start white background. He minimizes the celebrity aspect and focuses on some of the lesser known people. My wife is officially terrified of Peter O’Toole. Well put together piece, interesting, amusing, etc. Off to a good start.

8:34 – Hey Trailer Guy is doing the announcing! Good to have you here Trailer Guy!

8:35 – And our host Ellen DeGeneres. Starts off slow. Gets a little steam. The usual Ellen schtick of “oh blah blah… well, not blah blah, that would be weird cause…” and so on. Just as I’m thinking she’s getting a head out of steam, out comes…a choir? It’s less Kodak Theater and more First Baptist Church and the monologue ends rather abruptly.

8:37 – Jack Nicholson is officially bald. Well he’s always been a little bald but now he’s Britney Spears bald. I do some quick research and remember he’s playing a cancer patient in THE BUCKET LIST with Morgan Freeman. Oh that Jack…

8:40 – Oscar producers throw us a curve this year and instead of giving us one of the big awards up front (usually Best Supporting Actress) we get Art Direction. First award of the night goes to…PAN’S LABYRINTH. Good choice. Very well art directed.

8:47 – The future Ms. Batman Maggie Gyllenhaal trots out to regale us with her adventures at the Science and Technology awards. Apparently it was a hoot. She rattled off some fancy contraptions but I couldn’t type fast enough. Something about a spanktrometer.

Trailer Guy gets face time! I’m Don LaFontaine…

8:49 – Oooh a new ad for the iPhone. And a funny one at that. Any ad that features a clip from ANCHORMAN is A+ in my book. Says available in June.

8:53 – Speaking of ANCHORMAN, out of break we have Will Ferrell, sporting his giant ‘fro, sniffing a rose by a piano. Will begins a song about how comedians are never taken seriously for their work. Pretty funny so far. Uh oh – out slides Jack Black to hijack this routine. The two decide their best course of action is to start kicking the asses of all the serious actors. Both Black and Ferrell start threatening nominees. Black warns Peter O’Toole he’ll beat him with his Nickelodeon award. Ferrell’s about to get on Mark Wahlberg’s case and then says “actually you’re pretty bad ass,” and leaves him alone. John C. Reilly then stands up and sings back letting them know they can have a funny and a serious career. Will decides he’s gonna take that script about a guy with no arms and legs who teaches inner city kids how to read. Could’ve been a disaster but actually turned out to be a real funny bit. Best part? At the end, after the song’s big finish the three of them just stop and deadpan “The nominees for Best Makeup are…”

8:59 – “Cute” kid alert. Abigail Breslin and Fresh Prince, Jr. come out to present awards for Animated Short and Live-Action Short. Get it? Short? HA! Little Prince starts announcing the next nominees before they’ve announced the winner for the first award. Cut to Will Smith reaction shot. He’s laughing a little too hard.

9:10 – Ellen comes out to apologize to Penelope Cruz for mentioning she was from Mexico before. Is it bad that I didn’t even pick up on that?

9:11 – Steve Carell and Greg Kinnear to announce the sound awards. Same old schtick of angry sound guys cutting off the mikes. C’mon Steve, you’re better than that. Now a presentation from some sound effect choir you’ve probably seen in that Honda commercial. This would’ve been really cool and innovative for the Oscar if, you know, it hadn’t been circulated all around the web like over a year ago.

9:22 – Finally a major award. Best Supporting Actor. Eddie Murphy looks like he’s ready to cry already. But it’s Alan Arkin! Surprise #1 of the evening. Alan, always the personable one, puts his Oscar on the floor and reads off a paper. Is this Alan Arkin or Robot Alan Arkin? A little emotion is nice…

9:25 – These naked people are cavorting behind a white screen making shadows. At first I think “LAME” then they morph together to form penguins (for HAPPY FEET). I’m pretty damn impressed yet I wonder what this has to do with anything.

9:30 – Oh no. The musical performances have started. Randy Newman/James Taylor and Melissa Etheridge sing their songs. Melissa just looks happy to be there. Her drummer looks REALLY happy to be there. I picture him on the red carpet – “Hi sir, who are you again?” “Oh, I’m the drummer in Melissa Etheridge’s band…”

9:33 – No DREAMGIRLS songs, which makes me uneasy. This stinks of a giant DREAMGIRLS song performance later in the show. Oh dear.

9:34 – Trailer Guy informs us of a “very special guest” after the break. Oooh, who could it be?! The wife guesses Oprah. I guess the body of Jesus that James Cameron just dug up.

9:37 – We’re both wrong. It’s Al Gore (I was sort of right as he’s Hollywood’s version of Jesus). He’s up with Leonardo DiCaprio to talk about the environ…SNOOZE. Boy the audience is eating this up. They’re about to carry Al Gore outta here on their shoulders like Rudy. Leo has love in his eyes as he stares adoringly at Al. Oh and just so that you can sleep at night, the Oscars have gone “green” this year. I know. WHEW.

9:41 – Best Animated Feature. Announced by Cameron Diaz who is trying to be funny but I just far to distracted by her increasing resemblance to Madame to be amused. And the winner is CARS, yeah we know, move on with it. No wait!! It’s HAPPY FEET. HAPPY FEET? Wow. These Hollywood folk love them some global warming. I’m sorry but that movie was damn near unwatchable. My kids were bored to tears. Surprise #2.

9:45 – Ben Affleck (He’s here at Matt Damon’s not? Has the world gone MAD?) introduces a montage all about writers from movies and somehow THROW MOMMA FROM THE TRAIN is left out. How do you not include “the night was moist” in that? Or when Jack Nicholson is bitching to Shelley Duvall in THE SHINING about how he wants some peace and quiet. “Good. Now why don’t you start right now and get the f*ck out of here?” Now that’s writing for you.

9:52 – William Monahan wins Best Adapted Screenplay THE DEPARTED. Still think it’s a sham that BORAT was nominated under Adapted. Speaking of BORAT he and Sacha Baron Cohen have been notably absent so far. Not even any mentions…

9:58 – The DEVIL WEARS PRADA girls (Anne Hathaway and Emily Blunt) come out and reprise their characters from the movie for an odd bit. It’s failing until they bring in Meryl Streep from the audience who immediately lapses into her character and stares coldly at them both on stage. It wouldn’t be funny but they kept that camera on Streep for a good thirty seconds and she didn’t break that icy stare once. She’s the best.

10:01 – I think Tom Cruise has an image problem. Says the wife when he comes out, “Eww, what a creep.” Oooookay. Hurry up with that comedy Tom. He’s here to present the Humanitarian Award. And if Oscar producers are looking for a way to cut down the award show time, how about start with the Humanitarian Award. I respect Sherry Lansing for all she’s done but c’mon.

10:15 – How the eff did CHILDREN OF MEN just lose Best Cinematography? The nomination actually got a swell of applause from the crowd and it loses to PAN’S LABYRINTH? I love Guillermo and PAN’S but this is highway robbery. Surprise #3.

10:20 – Robert Downey, Jr. and Naomi Watts are out to present the FX awards and he cracks funny about his drug days. Really funny. He takes a bow. And has Naomi Watts officially ditched her Australian accent? As nominee Eddie Murphy might say “watzupwitu“?

10:25 – Oh dear Jesus. Another montage. This time about foreign cinema… That chick from Fellini’s 8 1/2 just about made that clip watchable. OK now on with the Best Foreign Language Film award. This should be the lock of the night. PAN’S LABYRINTH is cleaning up in other categories so this one should be easy. WHAT?! THE LIVES OF OTHERS? The director leaps up out of his seat with surprise and excitement. To his credit Guillermo (sitting right in front of the guy) looks happy for him. This is the weirdest Oscars ever. Surprise #4.

10:33 – Second acting award of the night – Best Supporting Actress. Jennifer Hudson should win but given how things are going, I wouldn’t be surprised if Adriana Barraza was up there. Hell, the way things are going I wouldn’t be surprised if I won. But no surprise here, Hudson takes the prize. She’s the best story of the Academy season but sadly does little with it in her speech. Nothing memorable at all. She thanks God a record four times. Funny, God had Rinko Kikuchi in his office pool.

“I am telling you I’m not going. Seriously. I’m not going. You’re gonna have to drag my ass off the stage.”

10:36 – Wow, SNAKES ON A PLANE honored at the Academy Awards. Those naked, gyrating dancers contort to the classic SOAP logo (plane with twisted snakes around) that is amazingly cool in that a) they were able to create that and b) SNAKES ON A PLANE got an Oscar mention.

You know, I think I’ve had enough of Chris Connelly. I had enough of him back when he was doing Bon Jovi updates on MTV News. Now I’ve really had enough. Luckily Billy Bush (who makes Chris Connelly look like Edward R. Murrow) is nowhere in sight.

10:45 – Out comes Jerry Seinfeld for what reason? Oh he explains. He was in a documentary once so he’s here to hand out Best Documentary. He proceeds to try out some new material on us. “What’s with the floor of movie theaters? Why are they so dirty? I mean, what’s the deal?!”

10:47 – Surprise #5 will not be here. Hollywood Jesus Al Gore and INCONVENIENT TRUTH wins. The audience gives a standing ovation. Al is trying his best to stay humble but they really are kissing his ass tonight. Hilariously they cut to Larry David in the audience who has a very Larry David look on his face. Most random reaction shot all night.

10:51 – Clint Eastwood is struggling mightily with the teleprompter while announcing the Lifetime Achievement Award. “I should’ve worn my glasses.” He’s Clint so we forgive. After a brief montage we get…NOOOO!!! Celine Dion!! Terror Level has been raised to RED. Evacuate! Place the oxygen mask over your face and then help children!

10:52 – I just left the room so if anything should happen in the next three minutes JoBlo readers, you’re gonna miss it. I just can’t stand it.

10:55 – Back. Clint is translating for Ennio Morricone and I’m not entirely sure if Clint is really translating Italian or just making stuff up in his head. The thought of the latter has me chuckling.

10:56 – Hey was that just Rashida Jones from “The Office” in the audience? I think it was…

11:10 – In an amusing bit, Academy prez Sid Ganis does his thing but the tape is sped up to make it fit under 60 seconds. Sid is talking like a chipmunk. Why not do this with everything!

11:14 – Michael Arndt wins Best Original Screenplay for LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE. Kirsten Dunst, there to hand him the award, cannot be bothered to smile. Trailer Guy tells us Arndt quit his job as Matthew Broderick’s personal assistant to write this screenplay. Bueller!

11:17 – Aside from Celine Dion, this is the moment I was dreading. The DREAMGIRLS medley. First is Jennifer Hudson who God bless her is singing with everything she got. Sadly everything she got includes her boobs, which look like they’re just about ready to jump out of her dress. If we go to static any second now we’ll know why.

11:19 – Now Beyonce is here and she’s determine to let this Oscar winning “American Idol” reject know who’s boss. She really starts belting out the tune. Almost in the face of Hudson. She’s smiling but that smile but it’s almost an evil smile like, “I’m gonna blow you off the stage with the sheer force of my voice.” A catfight may ensue and then, THEN, we’ll have an Academy Awards folks.

11:23 – No catfight.

11:26 – Best Song. I’m going with something DREAMGIRLS here since they’ve got three of the five noms. But no! Melissa Etheridge and her INCONVENIENT TRUTH song! Hollywood Jesus owns your ass Beyonce. Blee dat.

11:31 – Another montage. This one about America or something like that. Yet I’m not sure what it says about America. It’s slightly derogatory in a weird way. There was definitely a shot of Lucy Liu from KILL BILL and I have no idea what that means. And Tony Montana shooting people up from SCARFACE? Huh?

11:40 – Best Editing and Martin Scorsese mainstay Thelma Schoonmaker better win or I’m kicking in my TV and pooping on the charred remains. Thankfully my wife is spared the trauma of seeing me drop a duece on our broken TV and Schoonmaker takes the prize. Awww Marty’s getting all choked up in the audience.

11:45 – An abnormally choked up Jodie Foster introduces the “People Who Died” clip. I always forget that half these people died. The biggest applause for me comes for Darren McGavin. “It’s a major award!” Yes it is Darren, yes it is.

11:51 – Philip Seymour Hoffman (who doesn’t look hungover at all…) is here to hand out the Helen Mirren Award time and the winner is…Helen Mirren. She uses her Best Acting skills to act surprised when she wins and despite having about four months to prepare for this, her acceptance speech is a little clumsy. She seems to want to crown herself the actual queen of something. The Oscars? Hollywood? The World? Not sure.

12:00 – Forest Whitaker should run away with this Best Actor trophy but an upset is possible given what’s gone down tonight. No upset, Forest wins. He kisses his hot wife and trots up on stage. Oh jeez, he busts out a card to read from. C’mon Forest! Surprisingly though he doesn’t pull a Robot Arkin and actually puts some conviction in what he’s saying. It’s not exactly Halle Berry or Adrien Brody, but it’ll do pig. It’ll do.

Forest Whitaker skipped an acceptance speech and stood statuesque in this defiant pose for his allotted sixty seconds.

12:01 – It’s officially past midnight. The show has officially gone past four hours. I’m officially really flippin tired.

12:05 – Back with “the original Three Amigos” and I don’t mean Steve Martin, Chevy Chase and Martin Short. It’s Steven Spielberg, George Lucas and Francis Ford Coppola to announce Best Director. Given their connection with Martin Scorsese it’s almost as if Oscar producers knew he’d finally win. And he does. Thank goodness. He gets a big hug from each of his buds and a standing ovation from the crowd. Better late than never.

12:10 – Usually you get a big showstopper for the Best Picture reveal but this year it’s Bald Nicholson and Diane Keaton? Weird. Bald Jack is happy just to chill in the background while Diane reads the nominees. Who will it be? Can LITTLE MISS SUNSHINE pull off an upset? Will I fall asleep first? Well in backwards order it’s no, no and THE DEPARTED. Producer Graham King comes to accept the award and it looks like he wants Marty out there but he’s already backstage and they can’t seem to work it logistically. Oddly no one involved thanks Brad Pitt who is one of the producers. Where was Brad Pitt tonight, BTW. Maybe he was hanging with Borat.

12:14 – ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ