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Review: Paris Hilton

Paris Hilton
11.20.2003
0 10

THE MOVIE REVIEW YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!!!

Indiana Sev here. The autumn is a pensive time of year. There is so much going on and I tend to lose interest in my "regular" job as DVD reviewer & quizmaster for JoBlo.com. It certainly doesn’t help that the man in charge is a son of a bitch. But that's neither here nor there. Once in a while though, something special happens and I get an opportunity to review a film so moving, so groundbreaking, so incredibly inspired...it hurts me just to speak of it.  Writing this now, I’m fighting back tears. In its purest form, motion pictures were meant to touch us in this exact way. I received a short film burnt on a DVD recently, from Jo himself...it came in a brown paper bag. It was an untitled independent short film to review for the site. The word genius is thrown around way too casually in this business, but this was pure brilliance. I call it THE PARIS HILTON NUDIE/SEX TAPE and I also call it genius.

PLOT: A beautiful, innocent and young hotel heiress is coerced by her beefcake boyfriend into performing sexual acts proper and improper on a special type of videotape. Unbeknownst to them both, this not-so-innocent private film will have a snowball effect and lead to a worldwide frenzy ruining some lives and enriching others.


CRITIQUE: First of all, I respect any filmmaker who takes on the duties of directing, producing, screenwriting & acting on one single film. I believe the last man to do so was named Orson Welles and the film, of course, CITIZEN KANE. You may now add Paris Hilton (heiress) and Richard Solomon (beefcake) to that list. The film starts off with a bang (one of many puns, get ready), with the shady green film filter used on the camera being a little hard to get used to, but the moaning and cooing of the lovely blonde heiress assuring us that she is, in fact, getting slammed. And slammed well. Dick Solomon is aptly named; believe me. Naturally, the couple starts off in the missionary position, teasing us for what is to come later on. The symbolism of a nearby remote control (indeed, who is the one in control here?) makes it clear that this is not just some ordinary skin flick...this is art. That being said, I started getting hot & bothered upon noticing the back & forth of Paris’ ample breasts. NICE! Time to get more comfortable…


The next minute is all about control. She doesn’t want to do “cowgirl”, he wants his manhood to be clearly seen on film (I don’t blame him) and there is some great tension built when a nearby cell phone rings (who the f*ck is Fred and why isn’t he getting laid?) Then it happens. What is to be one of the most memorable lines ever uttered on screen and a piece of dialogue that’ll be repeated and remembered for years to come: “F*ck your phone!” Yep, it’s clear now who’s in charge. Word is, that was all improvisation too-- that line wasn’t even in the script!! Like I said…genius. God she’s a fox, what a cute little ass! Oops, sorry, back to the review. After that, he nails her doggy style and they move on to reverse cowgirl screwing. I was starting to lose interest at the “reverse”, but being the brilliant filmmakers that they are, that was just a ploy to let my guard down for the finale: FELLATIO. I won’t spoil the ending but needless to say it was very satisfying for Dick, Paris and of course, me.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I don’t see Dick’s career going anywhere after this, but Paris has a bright future ahead of her (bright eyes too). With rumblings of a girl-on-girl tape floating around, it’s obvious this young sex kitten is doing her all not to get typecast in hetero-only art films. At 2 minutes and 56 seconds, THE PARIS HILTON NUDIE/SEX TAPE is one of the most powerful films you’ll ever be lucky to sit through. 10/10

Thanks to Daddiefatsacks for the suggestion

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