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Crappy X-Mas movies

12.25.2003

Itís that very special time of year once again. No, not the release of the latest Michael Bay flop, but Christmastime! The time of year where everybody in the world is with their loved ones, sharing love, peace and DVDs. Iíd like to take this opportunity to wish all JoBlo.com patrons a safe and joyous holiday season and provide you with a little something that might make your "jolly time" a little brighter. You see, I have a tradition of watching movies on all religious holidays (and for this, I have a special place reserved in Satanís screening room). Almost any movie will do for me at Christmastime, but there are a few that just arenít right. Below are a couple of examples of movies that just don't work as well on the 25th as they might any other day of the year...

American History X

Yeah, the thing is, swastikas, tons of racial slurs & insults, gruesome killings and Elliot Gould might normally seem like the perfect prescription but itís not...not on the day of our Lord's birth anyway. Actually, scratch that, Gould goes down well any time of the year! Donít get me wrong, this movie delivers a powerful message (and Iím not referring to Ed Nortonís impressive abs either) about tolerance and kindness and peace and understanding. Hmm, actually that sounds perfect for the 25th. Rent this! Aha, but I forgot about the sidewalk scene. Yeah, little Tommy and Peggy Sue will most likely be forever scarred if they witness that little sequence. Hell, Iíve been walking on the street ever since! Skip this on Christmas, youíll thank me later. Screen it for the kiddies on Boxing Day instead...

Deep Throat

How far does a girl have to go to untangle her tingle?

Thatís the famous tagline from the legendary film released for all to wonder in the sweet spring of í72. It starred the lovely ingťnue Linda Lovelace (R.I.P. babe, seriously) in the role of a lifetime. Stage actor Harry Reems played Dr. Young and the incredible chemistry between both these larger than life stars was undeniable. The Delivery Boy (played by Ted Street) also deserves an honorable mention. But if you think your tots had questions with AMERICAN HISTORY X, then DEEP THROAT will take it to a whole other level. Besides the obvious queries as to why Ms. Lovelace is giving her M.D. a hummer, theyíll most likely be wondering if this is the regular protocol at most doctorís offices. This is a classic film thatís well worth the watch on any other day, be it Easter, Groundhog or Valentines, but it might not quite go down as well (pun intended!) at Christmas...

How The Grinch Stole Christmas

The 1966 TV version of HOW THE GRINCH STOLE CHRISTMAS is one the most timeless, special and important movies to watch during this time of year. Unfortunately for us, the Hollywood machine got their grubby little hands on its film rights in 2000, and turned it into one major abomination, courtesy Ron Howard and James Carrey. I heard that they originally wanted to title it "Cha-Chink", but Jerry Bruckheimer already had the rights to that name. The live-action filmís got zero magic, zero laughs and zero charm, but does deliver in great dialogue! Remember this doozie: "The sun is right, and the powder's bitchin!" Actually in the movie, folks. So unless you want your holiday spirit to evaporate faster than Bobby Brown's coke lines, avoid this movie at all costs, any time of the year, but especially...on the 25th of December. PS: THE CAT IN THE HAT also sucked!

Hope this helped. Merry Christmas, Happy Chanukah and Seasons Greetings. Hohoho!!

Source: JoBlo.com
Tags: Hollywood

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