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Golden Globes Fun!!!

01.26.2004

I'm not gonna sit here and present you with all of my cheers/jeers about the people/movies that I thought should have won, since everybody's got a right to their opinion, but allow me to pad up the year's actual list of winners, with some of my own observations from the evening, as well as some of our own fake awards. CLICK HERE to read our 2003 version of GOLDEN GLOBES PHOTOS & FUN.

GET LOST, JACK!!!

First of all, I want to re-affirm my love and admiration for the man, Jack Nicholson, but for the love of all that is good and mighty in this world: STOP HOGGING ALL THE ATTENTION!! Is every single award show from here until the end of time going to focus everything it does around Jack?? Yes, he's charismatic, he's a great actor, he's cool, he's this, he's that...but he's also getting on my f*ckin' nerves!! When I watch an award show, I'm watching it because A) I want to see tits and ass, but even more importantly B) I want to hear what the winners are going to say-- other than "Hey look, it's Jack. How are you doing, Jack?" Al Pacino's speech was a mess and I think it had everything to do with Nicholson and the shit he was shouting out to my man. Shut up, dude!


-- get outta the way, you jerk --

TOM VS NICOLE!

Everyone and their uncle was waiting for the grandly anticipated Tom Cruise/Nicole Kidman catfight this evening. Would the claws come out? Would Tom jump up to kiss Nicole or slap her upside the Lenny Kravitz? As expected, both actors were nothing but professional, and even moreso when Kidman was chosen to present the BEST ACTOR award and read Cruise's name out loud. These two people are the greatest example of how a Hollywood couple (or any kind of couple, for that matter) CAN actually behave and respect one another...for the sake of the kids or for the sake of f*ckin' human decency. Kudos to both of them for being such strong, and obviously, composed individuals. PS: Nicole is adorable. PSS: Tom Cruise is a hunk.

JENNIFER LOPEZ LOOKED FRUMPY

My father asked me why Jennifer Lopez was wearing a "night gown" to an awards show a little earlier this evening, and I wasn't sure what he meant by that. Then...I saw her and it became very clear. I've always liked Lopez, appreciated her derriere and even thought she made a cute couple with Big Ben, but she's starting to get on my nerves as well. I don't normally listen to rumors and shit, but her head seems to be reaching the size which she actually thinks it is. Affleck always seemed like a "down to earth" kind of guy and I only hope that their break-up takes his star further and allows her to get back to her supposed "Bronx" roots and drop the diva shite already. PS: The dress was very ugly, but the horrible make-up job made it a complete package: douche-bag.


-- Ben Affleck = thanking his lucky stars he's home --

F*CK YOU COLD MOUNTAIN

I liked COLD MOUNTAIN. I recommend it to my friends and continue to, on the site and in my every day life, but the film wasn't great and it certainly wasn't worthy of 8 nominations, other than the fact that it was marketed by those dudes over at Miramax who seem to gear more of their money into Oscar fare, rather than their genre division Dimension Films or any of the Asian films that they've picked up over the years. ENOUGH ALREADY! If you're going to make films like EQUILIBRIUM, BELOW or pick up other movies like HERO and SHAOLIN SOCCER, learn to give them a little bit of your green as well, otherwise, f*ck you and the COLD MOUNTAIN you rode in on!! BTW, was I the only one who shivered it up when Peter Jackson "thanked" Harvey Weinstein for being there "at the beginning" of LOTR?? Yeah, at the beginning, Harv...right before the films made 3 BILLION DOLLARS!!! PS: F*ck up on JERSEY GIRL and every single fanboy in the world is coming for you, Weinstein... ;)

MICHAEL DOUGLAS'
CECIL B. DEMILLE AWARD

Michael Douglas is a great actor and all, but after seeing the clips of his "best films", I started thinking of the many (and I mean, MANY) greater actors out there who have yet to receive this award. Furthermore, was it me or did most of the clips they showed feature Douglas' infamous libido in action, something his current wife (and current babe) Catherine Zeta-Jones didn't seem to appreciate too much. Also, Danny DeVito's intro was too joke-filled and loose. Dude, you're presenting the guy with a lifetime achievement award, how about you drop the vaudeville act and offer some f*ckin' sincerity. A let-down.


-- I want that one...she looks younger than my current wife --

RETURN OF THE KING

Peter Jackson's a great guy and a brilliant director. He deserved to receive the award for Best Director and furthermore, deserves to receive that same award at the Oscars. I didn't care much for the LORD OF THE RINGS movies (although having watched the first one again, it was actually pretty solid and my favorite), but I did appreciate the effort, talent, perseverance and success of the movies and am glad to see the foreign press acknowledging that as well, especially since fantasy/comedy/sci-fi/horror films are RARELY given their moments to shine among the more "serious" movies. Kudos to Peter for the award and for seeming like such a down-to-earth dude. No jokes here, folks...the man's a mensch.

THE JOBLO.COM EXTRA AWARDS

Creepiest looking guy of the night: Frodo

Most likely to play a grandma in her next film: Sharon Stone

Hottie of the night: Charlize Theron

Non-acting Hottie of the night: Nancy O'Dell (Access Hollywood)

Greatest ass of the night: Jennifer Garner

Greatest ass of the night (part deux): Charlize Theron

Greatest ass of the night (part trois): James Brolin (look who he's married to)

Scariest look of the night: Harvey Weinstein (after Peter Jackson "thanked" him)

Best dad of the night: Antonio Banderas

Best son of the night: Tom Cruise (brought mom with him)

Best Cleavage of the night: Cate Blanchett

Best imitation of an orange: Jennifer Lopez

Biggest winner because of said orange imitation: Ben Affleck

Best imitation of an orange (part deux): Ellen Burstyn

Best bald head of the night: Jim Carrey (closely followed by director Anthony Minghella)

Funnest reference to myself: Michael Douglas thanked some dude named Garabedian...my uncle?

Biggest tits of the night! Scarlett Johansson

Biggest tits of the night! (part deux): Jessica Simpson

Cleanest gloves of the night: Diane Keaton

Biggest moron of the night: Barbra Streisand (just because)

Best gay actor of the night: Too many to name

Coolest guy of the night: (tie) Johnny Depp/Tom Cruise

Cutest girl "who got caught smoking c*ck on video which ended up on the Internet" of the night: Paris Hilton

Coolest couple of the night: Johnny Depp/Vanessa Paradis

Lamest "no shows": Master & Commander (Peter Weir and Russell Crowe)

Most sincere "sharing" of prize: Charlize Theron with director of MONSTER

Best looking man of the night: Jude Law

Best looking "fattie" of the night: Renee Zellweger

Most shots during show: Sting's bare chest

Best speech of the night: Bill Murray

Best Madonna/Britney Spears imitation of night: Michael Douglas & Danny DeVito

Worst speech of the night: Osama director (for such a topical movie, how about writing down something inspirational?)

Most uncomfortable speech of the night: Clint Eastwood

Best looking "old guy": Al Pacino

Biggest assholes of the night: The producers of the show who kept putting music when Charlize Theron was trying to thank people, but allowed earlier winners to ramble on incoherently. Here's a big F& U for you guys!

What the f*ck was she doing there award: Fergie!

Who's the hottie next to Alec Baldwin award: ???

Awards given to them because of "they are who they are" and not necessarily because of their acting (tie): Meryl Streep and Al Pacino

Worst looking hottie of the night: Gwen Stefani

The man with "whom I would love to switch places with for a couple of hours after the show" of the night: Josh Duhamel

Lamest boyfriend of the night: Stuart Townsend (lighten up, a-hole)

My greatest disappointment of the night: No Brad Pitt

My second greatest disappointment of the night: Nobody thanked JoBlo.com for its humorous and fair reporting over the years.

My third greatest disappointment of the night: I didn't get laid.

DISCUSS THE REAL WINNERS/LOSERS HERE

Source: Yahoo Movies
Tags: Hollywood

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