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Oscar Pics Fun!!!



In the spirit of fun and the season of awards, below are some of my thoughts on the men and the ladies from the Oscars 2003. I ran similar pieces for this year's GOLDEN GLOBES and last year's as well, and folks seem to dig it, so here's more jabs at those groovy rich folks. It was a little more difficult this time around since most everyone looked great, to be honest with you, and there were no major surprises or embarrassments either (unless you count Uma's dress an embarrassment-- which I do, incidentally) By the way, all pictures are courtesy of Yahoo Movies and WireImage. You can check out their very cool & complete photo galleries right here.

Best Cleavage of the Night? Jamie Lee Curtis or Keisha Castle-Hughes' mom? You bet your bottom dollar it's the stealing-her-daughter's-thunder-mom, baby! Cover yourself, lady...you're making a mockery of the awards...

Hi there. I'm Julia Roberts but without the big-ass mouth, the big-ass laugh and the big-ass annoying attitude. I'm also adorable.

Sandra Bullock in 20 years??

How come nobody told me how idiotic this dress looks on me?

"Will direct for food."

Am I the only person who thinks that not only was LOST IN TRANSLATION overrated beyond belief (a good movie, but nothing more), but that Sofia Coppolla is one of the boringest people I've ever heard speak?

I'm the guy whose film was up against RETURN OF THE KING in almost every major category (Peter Weir). Yeah...f*ck me.

Yeah, I'm cool...you got a problem with that?!?

Are you looking at my ass?

Yes....yes, I am!

Holy Iran! I don't care how one pronounces your name (Shohreh Aghdashloo), but how about you pronounce your digits my way?! The hottest MILF of the night. I wish I could SAND that FOG, if you know what I mean?!

I'm the girl whose ass is plastered all over your face during the first minute of LOST IN TRANSLATION. I'm cute too!

Max Fischer lives!! Actually, my name is Jason Schwartzman and I'm Sofia Coppolla's cousin. Actor Nicolas Cage is also my cousin, and my mom is Adrian from the ROCKY movies, Talia Shire. My uncle also goes by the name of Francis Ford Coppolla, while my niece is Dakota Fanning. My great-grandfather was Gregory Peck and my sister is Ashley Judd. I also co-own a business with Bruce Willis, dance like J-Lo and f*ck like Colin Farrell. 

I'm gorgeous. Got a problem with that?

Michael told me to smile, so I'm gonna smile. I wonder how long I have to hold this smile? What will Michael tell me to do next. Michael...Michael, where are you? I can't hold this smile much longer or bear the thought of being married to an old, over-sexed man.

I'm gorgeous and I know it, you know it, the photographers know it and the world, all over, knows it. The only person who doesn't know it? Billy Bob Thornton aka clown.

Am I the only one who thought it was out of line of Jada Pinkett-Smith to cool down her husband, one Will "dickless" Smith as he was joking around during their presentation? Yeah, that's right, Jada...you scream out what we think you are: W-H-O...

I'm delightful. Hey JoBlo....call me!

I'm rich and I want that guy in the front row killed. Now!

Yikes! What happened to this goof? He used to be good looking and now he's got zits, bags under his eyes, a big nose and a major receding hairline. Basically...he's me!!

Did I mention that I'm delightful?

And the winner of "Best Lame Duck Boyfriend Escorting a Hottie Nominated Girlfriend of the Night" goes to: Heath Ledger!! Rock on, dude...Townsend's still got something up his ass...smile, you jerk!!

Look ma...no bra!!

I couldn't decide if I should come dressed as a man or woman, so I came as both: Jamie Lee Curtis!

We're idiots and yet people keep hiring us. It's fantastic!

No joke here. Just thought Keisha Castle-Hughes looked great last night. Call me when you hit the big 1-8, girlfriend. And stay away from Woody Allen movies. Brrrrr.....

The lovely Johnny Depp decided to bring his 12-year old daughter to her first Oscars. Oops...is that his girlfriend? Nice catch! For the girlfriend...that is.

If you stare at Jennifer Garner's facial bone structure for a minute straight, you will start to see her as an ugly woman. Or...you will see her as a very good-looking woman, call me a drunk man and be correct on both counts.


Tags: Hollywood



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