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The Cannes Journals #3


The Cannes Journals #1 / The Cannes Journals #2 / The Cannes Journals #3

THE CANNES JOURNALS will not be a thorough coverage of the CANNES FILM FESTIVAL, but rather, a slimy, dirty, personal and likely-to-be quite unsavory pack of misadventures and thoughts that knock up against my scrotum (i.e. head) as I scoot around the French Riviera over the next 10 days or so. JOBLO.COM DOES CANNES will be the more movie-oriented focus of my coverage, so if uninterested in my own personal bullshit, please head on over there. That said...

I was hoping to put together a lot more of the journals, but the truth is that I simply didn't have the time or energy, especially with all the stuff I put out on the actual movie-related front. I'm sure many of you aren't gonna lose any sleep over it anyway. I did manage to take over 1000 pictures during my trip (gotta love them digital cameras), so I thought I'd put together a decent melange of the bunch below, along with my two cents on the trip, my experiences, the differences in Europe and all the other fun stuff that comes along with being a tourist in another country. PART 2 should be up tomorrow. Enjoy!!

PART 1 of 2


  • Standing up 30 seconds before a plane comes to a halt in order to grab your bags only makes you have to stand up like a fool for about 10 extra minutes when that's the amount of time it takes for the plane to actually open its doors to the airport.

  • When walking on an airport terminal's walkway, stand to the right, otherwise you're blocking the way of good folks like myself who want to pass by and either way...I'm coming through and you and your baby carriage are going flying.

  • Europeans love soccer more than life. I tried to watch it one night, but when I woke up. The score was still 0-0.

  • Service in French restaurants is more of a privilege than a right. I ate in a number of different restos while in France and to the last man, every single waiter ignored me entirely and only took notice of my presence when taking my order or bringing me the meal. To ask them for anything else seemed like I was taking them away from something else-- which is what...their customers?!? I'm confused.

  • People love cellular phones. I might just be the only person left in the world who believes them to be the anti-Christ and the beginning of the downfall of our civilization, but everyone else...loves them! I don't think I saw one person during my entire trip who didn't have some sort of f*ck-ass contraption strapped to their ear, including the "latest kind" of communication device which makes it look like they're talking into mid-air, but really...they're apparently speaking to someone on the other side of the world. I saw two couples walking toward me one night and all FOUR of them were talking on their cell phones, folks. They weren't talking to each other, like regular human beings....they were on the phone (likely just saying "Yeah, I'm on the street walking with Andre. Yeah, he's walking pretty fast. Yeah, we just walked off the sidewalk and onto the street. Yeah, it's pretty warm outside, etc..." Real deep shit. Another time, while waiting in one of the million lines that I had to stand in to see a movie, I decided to look over to the other people standing around me, in order to "talk shop", you know...discuss movies and get to know them. Hand to God, 9 out of the 10 people were on the phone and I swear the 10th person was searching through her bag for one. I give up. Note the Gordon Gekko wanna-bee in the picture below...standing on the beach, talking on the phone....f*ckin' up my picture....get out of the way, asshole...it's a beach!! "Yeah, I'm on the beach now. I'm walking in the sand. Some guy is taking a picture of me from far. Yeah, it's pretty warm outside, etc..."

  • The only women who go topless on beaches are either old, fat or both. The only men who wear Speedos on beaches are losers.

  • European drinks are odd. They have soft drinks, much like they have here, but they like to mix shit in there like peach, manga, coconuts and shit. Note to self: My new favorite drink in the world: Lipton's Peach Iced Tea. Divine.

  • If you're staying at a B&B and paying B&B prices, expect the B&B owner to go to sleep at 8pm and not answer his phone anytime thereafter. If you try to call for a wake-up after that, you'll be waking him up and he'll be annoyed with you for the rest of your stay at his "hotel".

  • I liked the trees in Cannes. I liked taking pictures of the trees in Cannes. I liked taking pictures of the trees as I walked through them...to get the McDonald's on the other side! France is a great place...for McDonald's.

  • After two weeks in France, I noticed that they probably have more "visual" presentations of law enforcement than any other country that I've ever seen. There are cops, army folk, security guards, secret service schmucks, dudes with fatigues and a whole bunch of other folk, walking around, all the time, with guns/sticks in hand, ready to kick ass. You know what the problem is though? Nobody gives a shit because most of these clowns just walk around in groups, talking shit up with everyone, checking out the girls and wearing berets. I ain't scared of these clowns and better yet, I wouldn't go to these jokers if I needed anything. If you're wearing a beret and checking out girls' asses, you're basically just like Arrow (circa 1999) and that in itself, is pretty damn scary. 

  • Meeting Johnny Depp turned out to be harder than I had anticipated (he lives "somewhere" in the South of France), but finding his cigarettes wasn't a problem. I found this Depp leftover at a train station in Marseilles. I know it was his because I tasted it and it said "Johnny" to me. It also said AIDS and "You're a sad, pathetic man" to me.

My big toe is pretty big. I never realized I had hair on it too. Hmmm.

  • Girls in Europe love to wear jeans and specifically, tight jeans. The girls, in question, don't need to have nice asses per se. Some have skinny asses, and yet their jeans are still very tight. Some have bigger asses, but the jeans...tight as a drum. In the end, I've decided that I like European women, in general, because...they like to wear tight jeans and I like to look at women's asses in tight jeans. None of this has anything to do with the picture below, but then again, those are some great European asses-- sans jeans.

  • People love to smoke in Europe and nobody seems to mind. I can't remember the number of times smoke was blown into my face (don't go there), but it was a lot and it was everywhere. They smoke in trains, automobiles and anywhere they feel like. Airports have "smoking sections" in them, but they don't have any enclosures around them, which to me, doesn't really make much sense. That was my "Jack Handy" thought of the day, incidentally.

  • And speaking of smoking, do they still really need to remind everyone before every flight that this is a "non-smoking" flight? I mean, when was the last time an actual "smoking" flight took to the air? 1962?? C'mon man...if you don't know that you can't smoke on an airplane by now, you're a f*ckin' asshole.

  • While on the Croisette in Cannes, I noticed that there was a swarm of young ladies, wearing very short skirts and pushing a product they referred to as "beer" and called "Stella Artois". Unaware of this beverage type, I tried a swig or two and quickly realized, that these girls were wearing very short skirts. I spent the rest of the week drinking Stella Artois beers and staring at the girls in short skirts. It was a good week, yes...it was.

  • If you're a man and planning on wearing a skirt in public, make sure to do it in a foreign country where people will think it's "eccentric' and make sure that no one takes a picture of it either.

  • Am I the only one who thinks that my plane is the one that's gonna go down in the ocean whenever they show that f*ckin' video at the beginning of every flight, explaining what everyone should do in any such emergency? Stop showing me that shit, man....I'm already nervous enough as it is!!

  • While in Cannes, I noticed that every now and again, folks would stroll out into the streets and have photographers following them around, taking pictures (see my second installment of the Cannes Journals, for more fun on that front). Most of the time, I had no idea who these people were or what they did, but I took pictures anyway. I guess you could say that I was doing my "job" as a journalist, but mostly, I think you could say that I was doing my "job" as a loser. Below are a couple of pictures of a seemingly random couple being photog'd like crazy. I'm not sure if this guy is "anybody", but if that's really his girlfriend...he's "somebody" in my book. A "somebody" with a hot girlfriend!

  • People spend waaaaaaaaaaaaay too much time "on strike" in France. During my first 5 days in the country, there were no less than 3 different union strikes that affected me directly including the "actors" on strike causing a ruckus in Cannes, the "train workers" on strike causing me to have to take a friggin' taxi to Cannes and pay through the nose (assholes!) and the "hotel workers" at one of the major hotels in Cannes (The Carlton), who decided to take the opportunity to tell their bosses that they were fed up. But let's call these strikes what they really are, folks: blackmail, plain and simple! And I for one....thinks it stinks! I'm all for "workers rights" and all that jazz, but these f*cks love that shit and don't mind if they screw anybody else up in the meantime. Here's a piece of advice that I give to anyone who ever thinks of striking (and that includes me): if you want my support, don't do it! Just because you're standing in my face, holding a sign and holding back on your work, isn't gonna make me see your value or arguments. In fact, I'm not gonna like you because of it. I'm gonna resent you and not want to support your cause. How about you try to negotiate a bit more or look at the unemployment lines and consider yourself lucky to even have a gig! Drop the bullshit strikes, Frenchmen...you're making a mockery of the system and yourselves.

"We want more fries, we want more fries.....!"

  • As it turns out, one can visit Europe without making a "love connection", but one cannot visit Europe without making a "handjob connection". Sorry, that was an easy one.

The SECOND PART of this final installment of THE CANNES JOURNALS will be posted tomorrow. Stay tuned for that....


Source: JoBlo.com
Tags: Hollywood



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