×

Latest Entertainment News Headlines

The Cannes Journals #4

05.27.2004

The Cannes Journals #1 / The Cannes Journals #2 / The Cannes Journals #3 / The Cannes Journals #4

THE CANNES JOURNALS will not be a thorough coverage of the CANNES FILM FESTIVAL, but rather, a slimy, dirty, personal and likely-to-be quite unsavory pack of misadventures and thoughts that knock up against my scrotum (i.e. head) as I scoot around the French Riviera over the next 10 days or so. JOBLO.COM DOES CANNES will be the more movie-oriented focus of my coverage, so if uninterested in my own personal bullshit, please head on over there. That said...

I was hoping to put together a lot more of the journals, but the truth is that I simply didn't have the time or energy, especially with all the stuff I put out on the actual movie-related front. I'm sure many of you aren't gonna lose any sleep over it anyway. I did manage to take over 1000 pictures during my trip (gotta love them digital cameras), so I thought I'd put together a decent melange of the bunch below, along with my two cents on the trip, my experiences, the differences in Europe and all the other fun stuff that comes along with being a tourist in another country. Enjoy!!

Read PART ONE of this final installment of THE CANNES JOURNALS here

GENERALIZATIONS, STEREOTYPES AND RANDOM THOUGHTS ABOUT MY EUROPEAN EXPERIENCE

  • If I buy a bottle of booze at the duty-free shop at the airport and then drink it in the actual terminal before arriving to my next destination, do I still need to declare it as an imported good? (if I haven't pissed it out yet?)

  • When I order pizza at a restaurant, I expect you to bring me an actual pizza pie with toppings, lots of ingredients and actual taste. Don't bring me a slab of thin dough with cheese and tomatoes slobbered all over it. That's what I usually leave on my plate back home. PS: When I ask for olives on my pizza, it would be nice if you actually took the f*ckin' pits out of them before slapping on there as well. That f*ckin' hurts, man!

  • As Vincent relayed to Jules in PULP FICTION, McDonald's is very much the same in Europe, except for a few small differences. For one, it costs and arm and a leg to purchase a Big Mac, and for two, the sauces and shit are different flavors. Le Big Mac = Le Expensive.

  • The French love their mayonnaise. Not matter you order in a restaurant, you can bet dollars to donuts that a hankering of mayo will also find itself either on your plate, next to your plate or my personal favorite...in your f*ckin' sandwich! What if I don't like mayo, man? Did you even ask me if I like it. PS: I like it.

  • I don't really like candy, but while I was in Europe, I decided to make a friggin' meal out of candy one night, buying a bag o' candy from this place and eating it all night long. It was a great night, uninterrupted by my mother or her complaints about brushing my teeth or stomach aches. PS: The next morning I had to brush my teeth for an hour in order to get all the f*ckin' licorice out of there and I could swear at least 14 of the different candies came blowing out my ass "clean" the next day....and the next....and the next.

  • A "crepe" is nothing more, or less, than a "thin pancake" with different kinds of shit all over it.

  • I like the actual Coke bottles. I wish they would bring them back in America. I like the way they look and I like drinking out of them. No joke here, folks. Just a fact.

  • The sandwich below was called the "Special Sandwich". I ate it 12 of the 15 nights that I was in France. In it, you'd find steak, lettuce, tomatoes, mayo (natch!), ketchup, mustard and a load of other stuff that I wasn't entirely sure about, but that tasted good. One night, I decided to order a different kind of sandwich called "L'Americain" (aka The American). It was the same exact sandwich, but it also contained one extra topping: french fries. That's right, french fries inside the actual sandwich. And they say the French look down on Americans. Bah!


This is where I bought my sandwiches every night. The man behind the stand was the spitting image of Vinnie Jones, save for the fact that he was French. He was a badass though...that he was.

  • The B&B at which I stayed offered a free "breakfast" along with my stay. The "breakfast" included a croissant with a morsel of chocolate squeezed into it, plenty of dry crackers and jam, Nutella spread (I'm a fan) and plenty of honey and shit. I remember eating those "breakfasts" fondly. I also remember walking out of the hotel 2 1/2 minutes later and feeling very, VERY HUNGRY!


Yeah, yeah...I hate cells but I had to "rent" one during my stay in France for "business" reasons. I wasn't happy about it, Jack!

  • Just because you drive a Lamborghini (and are an apparent owner of a small penis), doesn't mean that you are automatically cool-- particularly when you paint that sucker yellow and stand around watching other people watching your car.

  • That said, this blue Lamborghini is pretty friggin' cool.

  • When I first started noticing the amount of small cars in France, I was somewhat taken aback (apparently most French guys have big penises?) Note how the picture below showcases a car that would be considered pretty damn small in America (to the left), but note the even smaller piece of shit next to it. Pretty crazy, eh? It's all about small streets and finding decent parking wherever you can out here. But you think that's small...check out the next item up for bid, Bob!

  • That's right, that car to the right is an ACTUAL car driven by actual people (no, not midgets) to and fro their destinations in France. And it's not just 1-2 people here, it's thousands, man....tens of thousands. The car has NO BACKSEAT and is even driven by many men (who apparently have absolutely NO PENISES whatsoever) I liked this car so much that I picked a couple up, put them in my pocket and will be bringing them home to meet the folks. This is nuckin' futs!!

  • The Internet and Wi-Fi technology are alive and well in Europe (although they still cost a bundle) For those who aren't "in the know" (trust me, I knew shit about it before my trip), Wi-Fi allows anyone with a trusty laptop and a Wi-Fi card to actually connect to the Internet in various places WITHOUT the use of cables or anything of the sort. In the Cannes Palais Complex, there was a room not much unlike the Korova Milk Bar from A CLOCKWORK ORANGE, in which geeks like myself would gather to sit, drink and type up some shit. All you had to do was power up your laptop, automatically connect to their network et voila...there I was downloading emails from folks telling me how much I "sucked". Ain't technology grand?

The following pictures aren't jokes or quirky observation pieces per se, but rather, pictures of the small town in which I spent most of my two weeks, while I covered the Cannes Film Festival-- which was 2 train stations away every morning. The spot is called JUAN LES PINS and if ever you're in the friggin' neighborhood-- that is the South of France-- check it out for yourself. It's really quite quaint and even somewhat romantic. I'll even be coming back with my left hand next year.

Source: JoBlo.com
Tags: Hollywood

RECOMMENDED MOVIE NEWS

RECOMMENDED MOVIE NEWS

Latest Entertainment News Headlines


Top
Loading...

Featured Youtube Videos

Views and Counting