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Movie Jail: This week's defendant is...Jessica Alba!

Nov. 26, 2012by: Johnny Moreno

Welcome to Movie Jail, a facility like any other, only its inmates are Hollywood writers, directors, actors and producers. This column will serve as a Movie Jail trial. We will put one defendant on trial; lay out arguments for the Prosecution and Defense. And we leave it up to YOU, the reader, to decide whether the defendant is guilty of his or her crime. What crime? The crime of consistently being a stinking shithouse.

The Defendant


Jessica Alba

The Case

The Prosecution: Honey, The Killer Inside Me, The Love Guru, Fantastic Four, Fantastic 4: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Awake, The Eye, Good Luck Chuck, Into the Blue*

At the request of the head honcho himself, JoBlo, we've brought Ms. Jessica Alba to trial. Ladies and gentleman of the jury, it might be easier for the prosecution to list the movies that Ms. Alba was actually good in, but we'd have a better time finding Mr. Costello's Shih Tzu. We know, the audience knows, the world knows that Ms. Alba is an attractive young lady with a long filmography of dancing in her panties for no reason than to show her tooshy off, but there are plenty of hot young actresses who not only flaunt their sexuality and hotness, but also give solid performances to the roles they play as well. Jennifer Lawrence and Scarlett Johannson are examples of two working actresses who are aware of their sexual appeal but don't rely on it the way, in our opinion, Ms. Alba has. When's the last time Ms. Alba went against the grain and chose a role that didn't hinge on her hotness, and instead chose something that made her less attractive (granted, if that's possible) like Charlize Theron in MONSTER? Or even Demi Moore in GI JANE? Not to mention, she has delusions that she's a good actress. We move for a guilty verdict. And a sentence of 5 years of solitary confinement in a hole full of whipped cream.

The Defense: See below:*

Ladies and Gentleman of the jury, the defense will respond to these allegations with the following:

Need we say more? Sure, we admit she may not be the best actress, but there is a spot in Hollywood for sexy, vapid actresses who value themselves too highly. If said actresses occupy roles only to look nice and pretty, what's wrong with that?

IN CLOSING...

So, whatís to be done with Ms. Jessica Alba? Does she rely too much on her looks to get by in Hollywood? Does she really stink up a movie that bad, rendering it unwatchable? And the most important question to be asked, once all evidence is taken into consideration, we ask you The Jury, is Jessica Alba GUILTY or NOT GUILTY? Letís hear YOUR arguments, either side, by STRIKING BACK BELOW.

*The court recognizes that all movies are subjective, so relax.

WHAT SAY YOU, GUILTY OR NOT?


LAST WEEK'S VERDICT

It is the jury's decision that after reviewing last week's evidence, the court finds Kevin Costner NOT GUILTY of all charges. Apparently, you don't fuck with the man who starred in some of the greatest baseball movies of all time, not to mention his directing and producing prowess.

PREVIOUS VERDICTS
GUILTY NOT GUILTY
Adam Sandler
Eddie Murphy
Vince Vaughn
Tim Burton
The Farrelly Brothers
Michael Bay

Robert De Niro
Val Kilmer
Nic Cage
John Travolta
Oliver Stone
Ben Stiller
Jim Carrey
Wes Craven
Matthew McConaughey
Robert Rodriguez
Kristen Stewart
Roland Emmerich
Kevin Costner
Extra Tidbit: Who Should Take the Stand Next? Strike Back Below!
Source: JoBlo.com

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2:02PM on 12/17/2012

GUILTY

She's a babe no doubt, but hasn't made a good movie since Sin City and that really was a loooooong time ago. The only thing we want to see her in is Playboy.
She's a babe no doubt, but hasn't made a good movie since Sin City and that really was a loooooong time ago. The only thing we want to see her in is Playboy.
Your Reply:



1:18PM on 11/28/2012

not guilty

I'd rather look at those tits and ass than see Melissa McCarthy's fat ass
I'd rather look at those tits and ass than see Melissa McCarthy's fat ass
Your Reply:



8:28PM on 11/27/2012
Not Guilty, it was brave of her as an actress to do The Killer Inside Me.
Not Guilty, it was brave of her as an actress to do The Killer Inside Me.
Your Reply:



5:36PM on 11/27/2012
In my opinion, being hot's not worth shit when there are plenty of men and women out there who have looks as well as talent. GUILTY. The only movies she should be in are Sin City sequels.
In my opinion, being hot's not worth shit when there are plenty of men and women out there who have looks as well as talent. GUILTY. The only movies she should be in are Sin City sequels.
Your Reply:



3:56PM on 11/27/2012
I think it says enough that her best part was a fully clothed stripper.
I think it says enough that her best part was a fully clothed stripper.
Your Reply:



11:55AM on 11/27/2012

Guilty

Pretty, but arguably the least talented "star" working in Hollywood, today.
Pretty, but arguably the least talented "star" working in Hollywood, today.
Your Reply:



11:28AM on 11/27/2012

Guilty

Sentence: Movie Jail foxy boxing ring girl
Sentence: Movie Jail foxy boxing ring girl
Your Reply:



8:36AM on 11/27/2012

Guilty As Fuck

I'll admit she's fuckin smokin hot but this is Movie Jail and she is awful in movies. I can think of just two films were she's been 'decent' (Sin City and Killer Inside Me) but that's not enough. Guilty.
I'll admit she's fuckin smokin hot but this is Movie Jail and she is awful in movies. I can think of just two films were she's been 'decent' (Sin City and Killer Inside Me) but that's not enough. Guilty.
Your Reply:



2:36AM on 11/27/2012
Guilty, because even though she's attractive, she doesn't have any screen presence, her performances always seem to lack impact of any kind. I find it quite fitting that no actual films are listed in her defense, just nice photos and gifs of her. She's not so much a "bad" actress as a really "meh" one.
Guilty, because even though she's attractive, she doesn't have any screen presence, her performances always seem to lack impact of any kind. I find it quite fitting that no actual films are listed in her defense, just nice photos and gifs of her. She's not so much a "bad" actress as a really "meh" one.
Your Reply:



1:58AM on 11/27/2012

My 1st GUILTY verdict

I do agree she has relied too much on her looks to get by in Hollywood, she was only good in minor roles like Idle Hands & Never Been Kissed. I always felt she was a bit overrated also in the looks department.
I do agree she has relied too much on her looks to get by in Hollywood, she was only good in minor roles like Idle Hands & Never Been Kissed. I always felt she was a bit overrated also in the looks department.
Your Reply:



+6
12:33AM on 11/27/2012

Guilty

Looks aside, pretty much everything she's been in has been completly forgetable. Definitely guilty.
Looks aside, pretty much everything she's been in has been completly forgetable. Definitely guilty.
Your Reply:



11:28PM on 11/26/2012

Not Guilty

While she's not the best actress, and she does choose terrible scripts, I feel she's been good in enough good movies to warrant a 'Not Guilty'. She was surprisingly good in 'The Killer Inside Me', she matched the goofy/ fun tone of 'Machete', and was the only decent thing in 'Awake'. Plus 'The Eye' remake is one of the very few J-Horror remakes I don't hate.
While she's not the best actress, and she does choose terrible scripts, I feel she's been good in enough good movies to warrant a 'Not Guilty'. She was surprisingly good in 'The Killer Inside Me', she matched the goofy/ fun tone of 'Machete', and was the only decent thing in 'Awake'. Plus 'The Eye' remake is one of the very few J-Horror remakes I don't hate.
Your Reply:



11:29PM on 11/26/2012
Also, she's not half bad in 'Sin City'. I can't believe I forgot that one earlier!
Also, she's not half bad in 'Sin City'. I can't believe I forgot that one earlier!
11:16PM on 11/26/2012

Not guilty

The prosecution is objecting to the defense's tactics but NAH NAH NAH we can't hear them.
The prosecution is objecting to the defense's tactics but NAH NAH NAH we can't hear them.
Your Reply:



10:00PM on 11/26/2012

Guilty

She is gorgeous. There is no denying that fact; however she remains guilty in my book. I move towards probation instead of conviction.
She is gorgeous. There is no denying that fact; however she remains guilty in my book. I move towards probation instead of conviction.
Your Reply:



9:42PM on 11/26/2012

Good one...

She's hot and all, but i gotta say guilty. The whole ff4 thing was god awful, enough to land her in movie jail.

Regarding your last column comment to my post.
George Lucas
That Van Wilder guy
Stiller, on appeal from the prosecution
Tracey Morgan
Chris Klien
Segal
Swatzeneger
Stalone
Bale
Milla Jovovich
Her husband
Bryan Singer

There are many that could go on the list, and chances are many will hate em and many will agree, but you have to, as a writer, develop some tough skin
She's hot and all, but i gotta say guilty. The whole ff4 thing was god awful, enough to land her in movie jail.

Regarding your last column comment to my post.
George Lucas
That Van Wilder guy
Stiller, on appeal from the prosecution
Tracey Morgan
Chris Klien
Segal
Swatzeneger
Stalone
Bale
Milla Jovovich
Her husband
Bryan Singer

There are many that could go on the list, and chances are many will hate em and many will agree, but you have to, as a writer, develop some tough skin bro. And some of the guys on my list, whilst legends, are fucking awful performers/directors. I am sure that everyone who comments on this column can name ten folks they would like to see in movie jail. Thanks for the articles bro, respect on answering, means a lot.




Your Reply:



8:56AM on 11/27/2012
I bet everyone who comments has ten people they can name, but they don't, that's a problem. I have no problem with criticism, it's expected and part of the job. My skin is as thick as a komodo dragon's, but when someone criticizes the article for being "too soft" (look back, it's not) while not offering up suggestions of their own (one of the MAIN aspects of the column), that's a problem. Most people see the headline, and judge without reading, that's a problem too.

Thanks for the
I bet everyone who comments has ten people they can name, but they don't, that's a problem. I have no problem with criticism, it's expected and part of the job. My skin is as thick as a komodo dragon's, but when someone criticizes the article for being "too soft" (look back, it's not) while not offering up suggestions of their own (one of the MAIN aspects of the column), that's a problem. Most people see the headline, and judge without reading, that's a problem too.

Thanks for the suggestions homie, there are a couple in there I'll eventually get to.
8:16PM on 11/27/2012
No probs dude, you keep on truckin, and i don't think you soft, sorry if the "trolling" thing was harsh.
No probs dude, you keep on truckin, and i don't think you soft, sorry if the "trolling" thing was harsh.
9:39PM on 11/26/2012
Machete was perfect for her real acting "skills".
Machete was perfect for her real acting "skills".
Your Reply:



9:36PM on 11/26/2012
Machete was perfect for her real acting "skills".
Machete was perfect for her real acting "skills".
Your Reply:



+3
9:12PM on 11/26/2012

???

What were we talking about??

In all seriousness I forgot what was so appealing about her in the first place until this article. Thanks Johhny! But goddamn it I loved Machete and I thought she was the worst thing in it. As a matter of fact I wished she wasnt in it. I liked her better on that TV show she was on. When she kicked peoples ass'. I havent been impressed by her "acting" since ........I've never been impressed with her acting. Hell with it. Guilty.
What were we talking about??

In all seriousness I forgot what was so appealing about her in the first place until this article. Thanks Johhny! But goddamn it I loved Machete and I thought she was the worst thing in it. As a matter of fact I wished she wasnt in it. I liked her better on that TV show she was on. When she kicked peoples ass'. I havent been impressed by her "acting" since ........I've never been impressed with her acting. Hell with it. Guilty.
Your Reply:



9:12PM on 11/26/2012

Guilty

Also I think it's cool Moreno is standing up for what he writes and responding to every comment that criticizes the column.
Also I think it's cool Moreno is standing up for what he writes and responding to every comment that criticizes the column.
Your Reply:



7:03PM on 11/26/2012

Guilty

I still remember when my friend and I first saw her in Idle Hands and hoped to see her in more films. In a way we got our wish, but her acting is so bland and her films so forgettable I have to vote guilty.
I still remember when my friend and I first saw her in Idle Hands and hoped to see her in more films. In a way we got our wish, but her acting is so bland and her films so forgettable I have to vote guilty.
Your Reply:



6:48PM on 11/26/2012

Guilty

The only thing I ever liked her in was Dark Angel and Meet Bill, and even in those she wasn't excellent.
The only thing I ever liked her in was Dark Angel and Meet Bill, and even in those she wasn't excellent.
Your Reply:



6:36PM on 11/26/2012
Not guilty - given that most of her films' scripts are sh*t.
Not guilty - given that most of her films' scripts are sh*t.
Your Reply:



5:01PM on 11/26/2012

Guilty

She may be pretty but this chick can't act her way out of a paper bag.
She may be pretty but this chick can't act her way out of a paper bag.
Your Reply:



4:53PM on 11/26/2012

Guilty!

I'm sorry they couldn't mount a better defense of her, but that girl's had it coming.
I'm sorry they couldn't mount a better defense of her, but that girl's had it coming.
Your Reply:



4:36PM on 11/26/2012
Her ass in those underwater scenes are spectacular.


GUILTY.
Her ass in those underwater scenes are spectacular.


GUILTY.
Your Reply:



3:55PM on 11/26/2012

The Section should end...

If you're picking people who many would say NOT GUILTY all the time, its pretty pathetic that you're mainly picking people who will have some gulty and many not guilty or justify why its not guilty. Jessica Alba is Guilty for picking terrible roles, the only movie I enjoyed her in is Sin City. Please put better people on this forum that could be either guilty or not guilty. Dont be so soft....
If you're picking people who many would say NOT GUILTY all the time, its pretty pathetic that you're mainly picking people who will have some gulty and many not guilty or justify why its not guilty. Jessica Alba is Guilty for picking terrible roles, the only movie I enjoyed her in is Sin City. Please put better people on this forum that could be either guilty or not guilty. Dont be so soft....
Your Reply:



8:14PM on 11/26/2012
Read the previous columns, Movie Jail is by no means "soft". If I told you that I was 90% sure that DeNiro, Cage, Kristen Stewart and Roland Emmerich were gonna be found guilty, would you believe me? Probably not right? At the end of the week, IT'S NOT UP TO ME TO DECIDE. The readers decide who goes in or stays out of Movie Jail. Don't like it, don't read it.

Nice avatar with a chick sticking her asshole out by the way, I was gonna chose that.
Read the previous columns, Movie Jail is by no means "soft". If I told you that I was 90% sure that DeNiro, Cage, Kristen Stewart and Roland Emmerich were gonna be found guilty, would you believe me? Probably not right? At the end of the week, IT'S NOT UP TO ME TO DECIDE. The readers decide who goes in or stays out of Movie Jail. Don't like it, don't read it.

Nice avatar with a chick sticking her asshole out by the way, I was gonna chose that.
3:29PM on 11/26/2012

Is that your idea of a Defense?

Why ask the question if you're not gonna take it seriously? You could have found someone better to discuss for this great column.
Why ask the question if you're not gonna take it seriously? You could have found someone better to discuss for this great column.
Your Reply:



8:16PM on 11/26/2012
We have, read the previous articles. Don't like who we choose? Submit someone you feel that is "better" to discuss and we might use it. And credit you. So that when YOUR choice turns out to be shite according to the readers, the readers will know who to blame.
We have, read the previous articles. Don't like who we choose? Submit someone you feel that is "better" to discuss and we might use it. And credit you. So that when YOUR choice turns out to be shite according to the readers, the readers will know who to blame.
3:13PM on 11/26/2012

Guilty...but!

"The Killer Inside Me" despite Alba, was a GREAT film! It has nothing to do in the prosecution!
"The Killer Inside Me" despite Alba, was a GREAT film! It has nothing to do in the prosecution!
Your Reply:



3:01PM on 11/26/2012

NOT GUILTY

I don't have one solid argument, and can't dispute pretty much everything that has already been said...

But she is sooooo HOT!!!!

I got your back you minxxx!!!

(I deserve every thumbs down I'm about to get)
I don't have one solid argument, and can't dispute pretty much everything that has already been said...

But she is sooooo HOT!!!!

I got your back you minxxx!!!

(I deserve every thumbs down I'm about to get)
Your Reply:



2:30PM on 11/26/2012

Guilty

However, 'Into the Blue' is a solid guilty pleasure.
However, 'Into the Blue' is a solid guilty pleasure.
Your Reply:



2:28PM on 11/26/2012

Guilty.

Sentence:
Death
...
by Snu Snu
Sentence:
Death
...
by Snu Snu
Your Reply:



2:24PM on 11/26/2012

Guilty!!

Guilty for bringing down and being the low point for 90% of every movie she is in. She is just a bad actress and tries to get by on her looks, just Megan Fox.
Guilty for bringing down and being the low point for 90% of every movie she is in. She is just a bad actress and tries to get by on her looks, just Megan Fox.
Your Reply:



+4
2:21PM on 11/26/2012

guilty

I thought this column was about people who once did great things but haven't done much lately? 'Cause this chick has yet to do anything note worthy. So while I say guilty, I think irrelevant and disposable are better answers.
I thought this column was about people who once did great things but haven't done much lately? 'Cause this chick has yet to do anything note worthy. So while I say guilty, I think irrelevant and disposable are better answers.
Your Reply:



8:21PM on 11/26/2012
You're right, that's one aspect of it.
You're right, that's one aspect of it.
2:14PM on 11/26/2012

Guilty - NSFW next time, please

Alba hasn't been great since her days on television.
In unrelated banter, can you put some sort of a warning in the title for sexy pictures- for us office cubicle dwellers, next time?
Alba hasn't been great since her days on television.
In unrelated banter, can you put some sort of a warning in the title for sexy pictures- for us office cubicle dwellers, next time?
Your Reply:



8:22PM on 11/26/2012
I hear ya, but it's an article about Jessica Alba yanno? We wouldn't exactly put up images of her SAT scores.
I hear ya, but it's an article about Jessica Alba yanno? We wouldn't exactly put up images of her SAT scores.
9:49AM on 11/27/2012
When you're right, you're right
When you're right, you're right
+1
2:11PM on 11/26/2012

GUILTY

There are levels of hotness that allow me to excuse poor talent. Alba may be hot in a general sense, but I personally do not find her nearly hot enough to put up with what is not just her poor talent, but her soul-sucking void of awfulnosity that instantly degrades any film she is involved with. Get rid of 'er!
There are levels of hotness that allow me to excuse poor talent. Alba may be hot in a general sense, but I personally do not find her nearly hot enough to put up with what is not just her poor talent, but her soul-sucking void of awfulnosity that instantly degrades any film she is involved with. Get rid of 'er!
Your Reply:



2:05PM on 11/26/2012

Not Guilty

If GUILTY means she doesn't make more movies I cannot in good conscience convict Jessica Alba. I want to see her in several movies every year for the rest of my adult life, whether the movies are good or not. I'm not saying she is a good actress. I am not saying her movies are good. I am saying I ENJOY all her movies more because she is in them and she takes my breath away. No way she gets sentenced to movie jail unless I am in there sharing a cell with her. Period.
If GUILTY means she doesn't make more movies I cannot in good conscience convict Jessica Alba. I want to see her in several movies every year for the rest of my adult life, whether the movies are good or not. I'm not saying she is a good actress. I am not saying her movies are good. I am saying I ENJOY all her movies more because she is in them and she takes my breath away. No way she gets sentenced to movie jail unless I am in there sharing a cell with her. Period.
Your Reply:



-1
2:02PM on 11/26/2012

Fry her!

Never liked her.

Also, she's got too much vagina meat. Seriously, look at some close-ups of her in a bikini. Yikes.
Never liked her.

Also, she's got too much vagina meat. Seriously, look at some close-ups of her in a bikini. Yikes.
Your Reply:



2:08PM on 11/26/2012
Now I like her even more.
Now I like her even more.
8:24PM on 11/26/2012
I agree with TD
I agree with TD
1:51PM on 11/26/2012

Never noticed it before

but guilty

I never really thought of her as a terrible actress, and she's not. She's just not a good actress. And here movies always have things about them worse than the cast. So even though she is incredibly easy on the eyes, for here career she is guilty. Sentence: reduced to supporting character and give up sex symbol status. Force to play less glamorous characters until she redeems herself.

Next Defendant: Ivan Reitman
but guilty

I never really thought of her as a terrible actress, and she's not. She's just not a good actress. And here movies always have things about them worse than the cast. So even though she is incredibly easy on the eyes, for here career she is guilty. Sentence: reduced to supporting character and give up sex symbol status. Force to play less glamorous characters until she redeems herself.

Next Defendant: Ivan Reitman
Your Reply:



+0
1:46PM on 11/26/2012

Guilty

She is hot but Guilty of being a hack actor and taking away a real actresses opportunities. Hope she does Playboy soon as that is the only reason we ever watch her for anyway.
She is hot but Guilty of being a hack actor and taking away a real actresses opportunities. Hope she does Playboy soon as that is the only reason we ever watch her for anyway.
Your Reply:



+0
1:41PM on 11/26/2012

GUILTY

Double Post, sorry
Double Post, sorry
Your Reply:



+0
1:41PM on 11/26/2012

GUILTY

She's guilty, even though I enjoyed The Killer inside Me
She's guilty, even though I enjoyed The Killer inside Me
Your Reply:



+0
1:35PM on 11/26/2012

So sexy.....but so guilty

I think the only thing I've liked her in was "Sin City" and that is it. Guilty!
I think the only thing I've liked her in was "Sin City" and that is it. Guilty!
Your Reply:



1:29PM on 11/26/2012

Pretty Guilty...

See what I did there???
See what I did there???
Your Reply:



1:28PM on 11/26/2012

Guilty

Couldn't play a stripper well in Sin City. Fantastic 4 was ass as well as the sequel. De-railed Machete.
Couldn't play a stripper well in Sin City. Fantastic 4 was ass as well as the sequel. De-railed Machete.
Your Reply:



1:24PM on 11/26/2012

Guilty without a doubt.

I honestly don't think I've ever seen her in a role that's not based on just sex appeal. If I have, she was so boring I don't remember it.
I honestly don't think I've ever seen her in a role that's not based on just sex appeal. If I have, she was so boring I don't remember it.
Your Reply:



1:16PM on 11/26/2012
As much as it pains me....guilty.

As an actress she peaked with Dark Angel. Til James Cameron can give her a role that reignites that spark I say she's barred from making any more rom coms, family comedies, or PG-13 supernatural thrillers.

Still though...smoking hot.
As much as it pains me....guilty.

As an actress she peaked with Dark Angel. Til James Cameron can give her a role that reignites that spark I say she's barred from making any more rom coms, family comedies, or PG-13 supernatural thrillers.

Still though...smoking hot.
Your Reply:



12:56PM on 11/26/2012
She's actually such a boring actress with so little talent that her sex appeal in movies has diminished over the years. She's only ever been given big roles like F4 and the rest for her looks and that's pretty damn obvious. Sure she's hot and probably a nice person but she can't act, simple as that. Lock her up.
She's actually such a boring actress with so little talent that her sex appeal in movies has diminished over the years. She's only ever been given big roles like F4 and the rest for her looks and that's pretty damn obvious. Sure she's hot and probably a nice person but she can't act, simple as that. Lock her up.
Your Reply: