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C'mon Hollywood #46

02.18.2005

...enough with movies about coaches!
by Indiana Sev

Coach Norman Dale: “Welcome to Indiana basketball.

-- Hoosiers (1986)

When I was in high school, the only things I could be sure of was failing math, turning to Jell-O when approaching females and counting on my gym teacher or hockey coach to consistently be an asshole. I mean...that was their job, right?

Sure there are coaches out there who inspire and change people’s lives and all that bunk, but we all know that most of the time, in real life, if a smart-ass coach like Sam Jackson’s coach Carter humiliated you in front of your fellow students, be it for good reason or not, chances are he’d get stabbed in the parking lot and end up in the loony bin till the end of his days…

The way Hollywood has been shoving these cookie-cutter, inspirational coach movies down our throats for the last few years (REMEMBERING THE TITANS, RADIO, COACH CARTER, FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS, THE REPLACEMENTS, HARDBALL, MIRACLE...), you’d think every high school coach out there is a goddamn saint, when in reality there are just as many pricks out there like Jon Voight’s brilliant portrayal of coach Bud Kilmer in VARSITY BLUES.

And isn’t it more fun seeing a true-blue asshole like that onscreen than it is seeing a self-righteous know-it-all motivational speaker asshead like Ken Carter? Hollywood has to either balance out these ‘saintly coach’ movies with ‘asshole coach’ movies or just knock off the coach movies altogether for about a decade or two. Maybe make a feature film about that out-of-control, violent, jerk of a basketball coach Bobby Knight (a TV-movie was made about that monster in 2002 called SEASON ON THE BRINK). They can maybe cast real-life asshole Val Kilmer in the lead role.

Oddly enough, I liked MIRACLE and FRIDAY NIGHT LIGHTS a lot, but I’ve just about had my fill already of these "real-life" tales of fish-out-of-water coaches brought in out of the freakin’ blue to change the face of the local hick team overnight. Christ, the only thing my coach ever did was screw me out of my deserved position of starting goalie on my high school floor hockey team (what me, bitter?) and give me detention for speaking English in the hallway. My math teacher was also a gorgeous cock-tease who slept with every guy in my class but me, but that’s a whole other article, for a whole other day…

Try as they might, Hollywood will never beat the mother of all real-life God-like coach movies: HOOSIERS. Every ‘coach’ based movie before and after it will always pale in comparison, so it’s of no use saturating us with endless amounts of new coach movies because we will never forget what Gene Hackman’s coach Norman Dale did for those great kids in the small-town Indiana basketball team in ’52. The blueprint for this type of film was forever set in 1986, period. They even threw in the “town drunk done good” formula in the form of Dennis Hopper for added flavoring...nice! God, I love that movie (expect a bad-ass 2-disc Special Edition of the brilliant HOOSIERS on a DVD shelf near you this coming March).

To sum up, my plea to the good folks of Hollywood this week is to either pony up on some good old-fashioned asshole coach movies to balance the scales a bit or give the “holier than thou” coach movies a rest for about 30 years. And if you can get me my babe math teacher’s phone number as a bonus, I’d be forever grateful. Her name was Sylvie and she had the most perfectly heart-shaped ass a 17-year old teen stuck in a shitty French private school could ask for…

PREVIOUSLY:

...all you need is love! (February 14, 2005)
...Why are 'The Honeymooners' black?! (February 10, 2005)
...give Bacon some bacon already! (February 2, 2005)
...I wanna see 'The Brown Bunny' already! (January 19, 2005)
...the Golden Globes are overrated! (January 14, 2005)
...where the f*ck is Bridget Fonda?! (January 7, 2005)
...my year-end roundup (2/2) (January 1, 2005)
...my year-end roundup (1/2) (December 30, 2004)
...your X-mas spirit sucks! (December 24, 2004)
...Norm MacDonald = box office gold! (December 15, 2004)

C'mon Hollywood... archives here

Source: Indiana Sev
Tags: Hollywood

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