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C'mon Hollywood #71

11.02.2005

...animate us some original ideas!
by Dan Palmer

So last week bore witness to the announcement of yet another CG animated kiddie-fest seemingly orchestrated to become McDonald’s façade décor and insert free toxic plastic invaders in my future bowls of breakfast cereal.

This latest exercise in pixelploitation is entitled FOODFIGHT! will feature the pleasurable velvet vocals of flavor of the month Eva Longoria. Hollywood, after beating us to the ground with the blunt instrument that was SHARK TALE, will now take the opportunity to kick us when we’re down with this product placement fuelled baby-sitter.

You see the concept of FOODFIGHT! is basically TOY STORY in a supermarket.

When the strip lights switch off, the baby puke’s mopped up and the OPEN sign is flipped to CLOSED the crazy characters emblazoned across the cans, boxes, bottles and packets of all our favorite corporate products magically spring to life! Y’know Tony the Tiger savages the Sun-Maid Raisin chick whilst Mr.Peanut video tapes Snap, Crackle and Pop in a homo-erotic three way. That kind of thing.

Instead of despairing at the increasingly lame cookie-cutter premises that these Tex Avery buggering endeavors are stooping to I’ve decided to subscribe to the ‘if you can’t beat ‘em, join up’ credo! So, for all you desperate Hollywood execs out there who are after some of that sweet, sweet MADAGASCAR moolah, hows about..

SHOES!

SHOES is a hilarious (yet heart-warming) adventure set in a, wait for it.. SHOE-STORE!

When a crusty old shoe salesman (voice talent: ED O’NEILL) learns that his store is to be bought up by the evil corporate slimeballs THE SHOES BROTHERS, it’s down to the store’s SHOES to prove that they really do have SOLE by magically coming to life to help save the store!

Our plucky hero is SNEAKY an Adidas sneaker (voice talent: USHER RAYMOND) who with the help of his surf-dude flip-flop buddy; FLIPPY (voice talent: ZACH BRAFF) have to enlist the help of the rest of the shoe gang including elderly curmudgeon SLIPPER (MORGAN FREEMAN), militant army boot SRGNT STOMPY (R. LEE ERMEY) and sassy clear heels CLEA (LIL KIM).

But of course this isn’t the end of SNEAKY’s problems, oh no, FLIPPY has fallen for HELEN the high maintenance high heel hottie (CATHERINE ZETA-JONES) whereas every shoe in the store can see that he really should be with the sweet and adorable CONNIE, the pink Converse All-Star (BRITANNY MURPHY).

But then again as SNEAKY says; ‘SHOE love never runs smooth!’

Throw in a couple of pop culture based word puns (Slipper reads ‘The SHOE Yorker’, Flippy’s fave TV drama is ‘Without A LACE’, Connie likes chick flicks like ‘SHOE Weeks Notice’ with SANDAL Bullock and SHOE Grant) get Kelly Clarkson to do a cover of Jessica Simpleton’s cover of Geri Haliwell’s cover of ‘These BOOTS Are Made For Walking’ and it’s a holiday hit!!!

Boy, that shoe was easy.

The author of this column, Dan Palmer, co-wrote and starred in last year's FREAK OUT.

Tags: Hollywood

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