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Awfully Good: 2 Fast 2 Furious

05.22.2013

2 Fast 2 Furious (2003)

Director: John Singleton
Stars: Paul Walker, Tyrese Gibson, Eva Mendes

Brian O'Conner must reconnect with an old flame in order to take down a drug kingpin and get his life back.

Oh, how far we've come.

To think that this franchise eventually evolved from this movie in to FAST FIVE and FURIOUS SIX is nothing short of a miracle. Turning the focus on to action heist flicks was a brilliant decision, especially when you directly compare the result to the abject silliness of the neon-bathed street racing featured here. ("Look how cool my Nissan is, guys! It blows smoke from its mouth!") You can argue where it fits in to the FAST AND FURIOUS canon in terms of quality, but there is one thing we can all agree on: 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS is definitely the gayest movie in the series.


Invitation...


…accepted!

Granted, there's some measure of inevitable homoeroticism that comes with the head-butting masculinity of racing culture and there were definitely moments between Vin Diesel and Paul Walker in the first film that amusingly walked that line (a quarter mile at a time). But 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS takes it to a whole new level, making it clear that Brian O'Conner and Roman Pearce were at one point absolutely gay lovers. It's equal parts brave and amusing how direct and unsubtle they are about it. The pair spends most of the movie talking abnormally close to each other's face, gazing in to one another's eyes with burning intensity, randomly taking off their shirts and wrestling in ways would that make gay porn stars uncomfortable. The only suspense 2 FAST generates is the fact that the two main characters might start making out at any given moment.

Even the plot sets up the characters to be more like scorned lovers than former friends. When Walker finally gets arrested for the events of the first movie, he enlists the help of his childhood BFF Tyrese to clean his record. Oh, did I say childhood BFF? I meant jilted ex-girlfriend. At first he immediately takes his anger out on Walker by attacking him, wrapping his legs around him and rolling in the sand together. But after rekindling their romance, Tyrese then becomes the most sensitive action star ever by getting angry any time Walker looks at a woman. When he sees him checking out Eva Mendes' posterior, Tyrese gets legitimately mad. And it's not a throwaway joke either. Their argument about Walker's faithfulness carries over to the next scene, where Walker continually denies looking at hot Latin ass. And to that I say, why? What straight man would be ashamed in front of his male friend to admit that he was checking out a beautiful woman? There's definitely something going on between the two of them and if you pay attention during their reunion in the fifth and sixth installments, I think you can still see the spark.


How the producers talked Eva Mendes in to joining the cast.

Unfortunately, the rest of the 2 FAST 2 FURIOUS cast is left stranded in the wake of Walker and Tyrese's sexual chemistry. Poor Eva Mendes probably didn't realize she was signing on to be a beard to the main character. Her undercover cop ends up being a complete joke forced upon the film and her "romance" with Walker is based on the apparent rule that if two attractive people share more than one brief scene together, they have to make out at some point. You also get thankless turns from underrated "that guy" actors like James Remar and Cole Hauser, early Ludacris, and alien princess Devon Aoki. Seriously, Aoki is one of the strangest-looking humans I've ever seen. I know theoretically she's pretty, but every time she turns her head 10° she looks like a different person. (Just check out the poster. They couldn't even Photoshop a good angle for her.)


Seriously, the trash talking in this movie is just embarrassing.

As a racing movie, as opposed to a homoerotic epic, 2 FAST is honestly kind of boring. The obvious use of CGI and green screen for a lot of the driving and stunts takes the fun away. (Going 80 MPH should not look like the Millenium Falcon in Hyperdrive.) The races vary from repetitive ("Bet Walker uses NOS at the very end!") to hilarious ("Let's race a bunch of middle aged guidos!"). Even the final sequence is literally just a car being driven on to a boat; no fight or confrontation—just some "Dukes of Hazzard shit." And the script—which is comprised entirely of variations on the words "yo," "bro," "cuz," and "bruh"—is shockingly bad, even for a movie with two out-of-place 2's in the title. There are conveniences, like the Magic Electricity Gun that can somehow shut down a car, and downright stupid sequences, like the "stare and drive"—where Paul Walker flirts with Eva Mendes by driving on the streets of Miami while staring directly in to her eyes and not looking at the road. It's even more ridiculous because you know he'd rather be locking eyes with Tyrese.

This collection of the film's most homoerotic moments between Paul Walker and Tyrese is so epic that it counts as both the Best Lines and Best Parts video.

The ladies get Tyrese shirtless, while the gentlemen can enjoy a bit of Mendes cleavage.


Now you can be fabulous AND furious! Buy this movie here!

Take a shot or drink every time:
  • Someone says "bro"
Double shot if:
  • Tyrese is "hongry"

Thanks to Al and Andrew for suggesting this week's movie!

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email or follow him on Twitter and give him an excuse to drink.

Extra Tidbit: For more homoerotic Awfully Good flicks, check out Showdown in Little Tokyo, No Retreat No Surrender, Absolution, and Nightmare on Elm Street 2!
Source: JoBlo.com

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