Awfully Good: Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold
This week's JACK THE GIANT SLAYER may have big spectacle and state of the art effects, but you know what it's missing? Huge knockers.
Attack of the 60 Foot Centerfold (1995)
Director: Fred Olen Ray
Stars: J.J. North, Ted Monte, Raelyn Saalman
In an attempt to subvert the natural effects of aging, a model takes a drug that inadvertently makes her taller. A lot taller.
I'm pretty sure I watched at least part of this movie through some scrambled channels back in the day. (Dad, if you're reading this, that's a joke and I definitely did not do it.)
Hollow Man waits patiently at the STD clinic.
A tongue in cheek update of 1958's ATTACK OF THE 50 FOOT WOMAN, 60 FOOT CENTERFOLD re-imagines the giant lady genre in a time where liberal nudity was more widely accepted and encouraged. Not to say this is anything close to even a softcore flick, but there's no shortage of topless ladies for the majority of this film's runtime. It's not a great movie, even by this column's standards, but it's entertaining enough and knows its strengths (boobs).
And with that, Fred got to the most epic Second Base ever.
Angel Grace is one of three models in the running for Plaything Magazine's Centerfold of the Year. (This is the plot point that allows the filmmakers to include extended photo shoot scenes of the girls in varying stages of undress.) Despite her bodaciousness, Angel is still self-conscious about her waning looks and begs her doctor to let her partake in a new experimental Beauty Enhancement program. At first the drug seems to work, as illustrated in an amusing scene where the model's breasts immediately inflate to backbreaking size.
Dr. Toboggan failed the "My eyes are up here!" test spectacularly.
However, on a weekend trip to the Plaything Mansion, Angel decides to ignore her doctor's one-a-day advice and gulps down 3 or 4 vials of Boob Elixir. The unfortunate side effect: the centerfold soon grows to titular height. Instead of being amazed at this marvel of modern science, the owner of the magazine instead just sees big boobs and bigger profits. Because of course every guy in America wants to buy the issue where the centerfold's mammaries are the size of Volkswagens, right? Hugh Hefner Lite quickly hides Angel away in a conveniently nearby circus tent and promises her that he's sent for a "specialist" who may or may not be Wayne Szalinski.
Thanks House Hunters!
Shockingly, Angel takes her newfound stature remarkably well. The first thing the horny giantess does is invite her photographer boyfriend inside for some gargantuan hanky panky. ("I may be 60 feet tall, but I'm all woman!") Eventually though, she becomes wise to her captors' plans, but not before one of the other jealous models takes the same potion so they can compete on level playing ground for best centerfold. Eventually this leads to literally the world's biggest catfight, which is quite a sight to behold. It gets even better when the two feuding women empty a passing vodka truck and take their fight to the streets of Los Angeles. Can the scientists reach them in time with a homemade shrinking ray that's clearly a leaf blower filled with smoke? Who cares! There's two busty, building-sized ladies going at it in the streets. Find some mud or Jell-O!
You know how I know you're gay? You're running away from the giant catfight.
Again, this is an incredibly dumb, goofy movie but it embraces its silliness as much as it can on a shoestring budget. Amazingly, the effects aren't too terrible for 1995. We've definitely seen worse before. The only thing that really doesn't work is the random B-plot involving the doctors trying to hunt down an escaped giant lab rat that's some poor guy in a suit. That's not what I want to see in a movie called ATTACK OF THE 60 FOOT CENTERFOLD.
Plenty of not-so-subtle innuendo.
Meet the 60-foot centerfold…and then see her catfight! Rowr! (NSFW)
Lots of boobs, but most of them are sadly fake.
Take a shot or drink every time:
- A girl takes off her top
- MAN IN SUIT!
- JURASSIC PARK is referenced
- A drunk person sees the giant woman
- Someone or something explodes
- The girls play with balls