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Awfully Good: Blade: Trinity

02.17.2016

Everyone's still reeling from DEADPOOL's ginormous box office. But what about the first time Ryan Reynold's played a smart-ass comic book character who couldn't stop talking?

Blade: Trinity (2004)

Director: David Goyer
Stars: Wesley Snipes, Ryan Reynolds, Jessica Biel

 

Blade must team up with younger vampire hunters in order to take down OG bloodsucker Dracula.

The first BLADE set the standard for modern comic book movies, dumping the cheesy superhero model of the early 90s and paving the way for X-MEN and other higher profile properties. Guillermo Del Toro's BLADE II took that charge and ran with it, upping the action and Gothic horror elements with the vagina-mouthed Reapers. So it's only fitting that BLADE: TRINITY close out the series with the most epic entry imaginable.

No, I'm kidding. It delivers a stillborn assfart of a film that embarrasses everyone involved and their relatives.  


No, don’t mention GREEN LANTERN to Ryan Reynolds! Not this week!

Not only did BLADE: TRINITY suck the lifeblood out of the franchise, it also quashed any hopes David Goyer had of transitioning to a successful director. The third film is shockingly bland and boring, devoid of any semblance of style or visual interest—things both former movies had in spades. I don't know how you make a BLADE movie tedious, but Goyer manages to do it. However, as easy as it would be to pin this all on the writer/director, it's clear the real blame lies with someone else: Wesley Snipes. Snipes, so badass in the original film, is a wet blanket here, completely smothering every scene he's in and going through the motions in some of the laziest fight scenes of his career. You can feel the actor's utter hatred for the cast, crew and the movie itself in every frame. It makes for a truly odd and painful final product, a BLADE movie where Blade clearly does not want to be there and where everyone else feels the same.


On some days it was hard to even get Wesley Snipes to deliver his lines standing up.

Apparently Wesley Snipes was unhappy with the direction of the film and the choice of director and made the shoot a living hell. According to co-star Patton Oswalt, Snipes spent every day smoking weed in his trailer, refusing to come out and forcing them to shoot most of BLADE: TRINITY using his stand-in. (If you watch the movie knowing this, it becomes incredibly obvious.) You can blame Ryan Reynolds' non-stop barrage of one-liners and snarky comments on this as well; since all they could get from Snipes was deadpan reaction shots, Goyer just had Reynolds come up with "the worst jokes and puns" to fill in the gaps and make Blade look like an ass. Eventually, the tension between Snipes and Goyer turned physical, with the lead actor only communicating with the director through Post-it notes—Post-it notes signed "From Blade." 

I guess it's a miracle this movie was actually released at all.


Ryan Reynolds based his character's personality on Deadpool and his physical appearance on me. 

One of the things Snipes no doubt hated about BLADE: TRINITY was the inclusion of the Nightstalkers. Perhaps sensing the franchise's impending doom, the studio decided to bring in hot young actors, including Ryan Reynolds and Jessica Biel, to serve as fodder for a potential spinoff. With his unending string of smart-ass comments and meta commentary, Reynolds' Hannibal King is probably the most entertaining part of the movie and definitely feels like a precursor to Deadpool. (The actor has admitted to borrowing from the Merc With A Mouth for this movie.) His partner, Whistler's daughter Abigail (Jessica Biel), feels like the movie's desperate attempt to be hip for younger audiences—a vampire hunter who makes MP3 playlists of "dark core and trip-hop" and listens to them on her iPod while fighting. The rest of the Nighstalkers team gets so little screentime  they might as well not be there. Patton Oswalt is their nerdy tech guy and Natasha Lyonne plays a reject from THE MATRIX who has a young daughter solely so the crew has someone to rescue in the end. (Lyonne's character is also blind, which would be a fine instance of diversity if they didn't make her the one manning security cameras and obliviously walking past bad guys.) Who wouldn't want to watch a spinoff movie based on this crew?


"Hi, I'm Dracula... Stop laughing!" 

The other wildly disappointing character inclusion is Dracula, played by Prison Break's Dominic Purcell. "Drake," as the movie sadly refers to him, is probably the lamest incarnation of the classic vampire character ever, and that includes Gerard Butler in DRACULA 2000. Ryan Reynolds gives this long-winded speech about how badass Dracula is supposed to be—then the movie immediately cuts to Dominic Purcell walking down the street, looking like a Persian nightclub owner wearing gaudy jewelry, eyeliner and a V-neck shirt so deep it should count as indecent exposure. Dracula's supposedly amazing powers are never fully explored. Apparently he's really fast and can make his fingers super long. He can also transform in to other people, although we only really see that ability one time, when he infiltrates the Nightstalker hideout and ends up hiding from a blind person who can't see him anyways. Dracula and Blade only meet one time before the end (in a hilarious scene in which he steals a baby and tosses it at our hero) and their final showdown is a total letdown. The original vampire's final form is a pretty cool makeup effect, but he disappointingly spends most of his time as a human engaged in a very generic, slow and boring swordfight. Honestly, the only memorable Dracula moment in BLADE: TRINITY is when he visits a goth store and is dismayed to see they sell Dracula vibrators. Nothing must sting more than seeing your legacy ridiculed in dildo form.

Drake also has a henchwoman in Parker Posey, who gives a great bad performance as a trashy vampire chick with big hair and even bigger penis envy. (That's a legit character trait, by the way.) There's also WWE star Triple H as the main heavy, who spends half his time with a girly Pomeranian dog and the other half making homophobic comments about assrape and people looking at his dick.


They always said Muffin's bark was worse than her bite. This time she'll show them. She'll show them all...

All these various characters and baggage makes for a terribly constructed film, and with Snipes' sporadic involvement, much of the plot makes zero sense. First, the vampires dig up Dracula, claiming his blood can make them all daywalkers, although this is never really mentioned or dealt with again. Then their big plan is to frame Blade for murder and wage a PR campaign against him. (Literally, they trick him in to killing a human and Parker Posey films it on a camcorder and sends it to TMZ.) This could've been an interesting subplot, but once Blade gets arrested, all the cops are vampires anyways and this thread is also quickly abandoned. And then there's the much hyped vampire "final solution," which ends up just being a blood farm where they keep humans and harvest their red stuff. (It's also already a deleted scene on the first BLADE's DVD, so now Goyer is just recycling his own stuff.) I think my favorite part of the movie is that the password to shut down the entire farming operation is simply "harvest." There aren't even any numbers or special characters in there! 


This is a real punch from this movie.

Perhaps worst of all, this is a comic book action movie with barely any action in it. It's truly bizarre—there's not one memorable sequence or interesting set piece, just a bunch of random scenes where people punch henchmen with no flow or excitement. And these few measly fights are executed terribly, filmed with bad blocking so no hit or kick actually looks like it connects. The only things memorable in BLADE: TRINITY are parts that are unintentionally funny. Like a super serious training montage where Jessica Biel uses a radar gun to track her bow and arrow so you can see how much deadlier her archery is. Or Ryan Reynolds getting chased by vampire dogs and tossing them out of a building.


I'm beginning to think this movie has a message for the audience… 

The end of BLADE: TRINITY is confusing and disappointing, but if you really want to see bad, watch this alternate ending where the Nightstalkers have to fight a werewolf. Man, now I wish this movie had gotten a spinoff.

Some of Ryan Reynolds many, many one-liners, plus a couple of the rare times Blade actually speaks in this movie.

Vampire dogs, the best Blade moments, and the worst fight scenes.

Ryan Reynolds' six pack and Jessica Biel taking a sad shower.


Always bet on black! Buy this movie here!

Take a shot or drink every time:
  • Ryan Reynolds has a one liner and/or Wesley Snipes looks annoyed at Ryan Reynolds
  • A punch clearly doesn't connect
  • Someone says "dick"
  • The movie confuses Syria and Iraq
  • Blade says "Use it"
  • A character just happens to record a video message the day she died 
  • Wesley Snipes uses incorrect grammar (i.e. "How do you pay for all this operation?" or "I'll just enjoy it better.")
Double shot if:
  • Vampire dogs!

Thanks to Patrick for suggesting this week's movie!

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email or follow him on Twitter and give him an excuse to drink.

CLICK IMAGE TO OPEN GALLERY & SEE MORE PICS...

Source: JoBlo.com

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+0
5:09PM on 02/21/2016
This movie fucking stinks! It sucks ass.
This movie fucking stinks! It sucks ass.
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-1
8:24AM on 02/18/2016

3/10.

THE NIGHTSTALKERS are so boring. The exception is HANNIBAL KING, who's unfunny. This is more obvious when I compare him to SCUD from the 2nd movie. No, I'm not a Ryan Reynolds hater. His performance is fine. If he had played SCUD and Norman Reedus had played KING, my opinion would be the same. I know Patton Oswalt wasn't a big star in 2004, but he was a recognizable stand-up comedian and character actor. When those are cast in an action movie it's usually to be the comic relief. It would've
THE NIGHTSTALKERS are so boring. The exception is HANNIBAL KING, who's unfunny. This is more obvious when I compare him to SCUD from the 2nd movie. No, I'm not a Ryan Reynolds hater. His performance is fine. If he had played SCUD and Norman Reedus had played KING, my opinion would be the same. I know Patton Oswalt wasn't a big star in 2004, but he was a recognizable stand-up comedian and character actor. When those are cast in an action movie it's usually to be the comic relief. It would've made more sense for him to play KING (even if he wouldn't have made him funny). Instead, he gets a role where he does basically nothing. Meanwhile, it's hard to judge Wesley Snipes' performance because he barely has any lines here. Dominic Purcell is good, and DRACULA is as good a villain as DEACON FROST. An improvement over the forgettable NOMAK. The main problem is surprisingly a small detail: Most of the movie takes place during the day. And the scenes that take place during the night are not dark enough. And since the cinematographer Gabriel Beristain also worked in the previous movie, I blame script David S Goyer. You see, these movies don't have deep plots. And that's fine because they're genre movies. But that only works when the filmmakers embrace the roots of the genre. The other installments, while different in tone, had the dark atmosphere necessary for a movie about a vampire hunter. But this one looks and feels like... well,a regular action movie. This is more clear during the climaxes.

Spoilers ahead!

The final fights in the other installments happened in underground locations. The one here happens in the top floor of a building.See what I'm saying?
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6:24AM on 02/18/2016

Missed the best line

How do you compile a video of Reynold's best lines and leave out "cock-juggling thunder-cunt"? That might be the best insult ever recorded on film.
How do you compile a video of Reynold's best lines and leave out "cock-juggling thunder-cunt"? That might be the best insult ever recorded on film.
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11:36PM on 02/17/2016

Not as bad as......

Terminator Genysis, Die Hard 4 or 5, any Saw movie, Paranormal Activity, or as annoying as my girlfriend trying to convince me Magic Mike or Pitch Perfect aren't chick flicks. They are....I'll see them just don't say they've not chick flicks. No dudes lined up for those movies. Not even gay ones....
Terminator Genysis, Die Hard 4 or 5, any Saw movie, Paranormal Activity, or as annoying as my girlfriend trying to convince me Magic Mike or Pitch Perfect aren't chick flicks. They are....I'll see them just don't say they've not chick flicks. No dudes lined up for those movies. Not even gay ones....
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6:37PM on 02/17/2016
In terms of casting though - Snipes was a perfect Blade. I know we say about Jackman and Wolverine, Stewart for Xavier, RDJ for Iron Man this was the first example of the actor being the perfect fit. I still rate Blade as one of the best comic Book movies done although the scale slides dramatically to this shit fest, on another point I'd like to wager given the GOTG article posted today I believe the first Blade to have one of the best Movie soundtracks
In terms of casting though - Snipes was a perfect Blade. I know we say about Jackman and Wolverine, Stewart for Xavier, RDJ for Iron Man this was the first example of the actor being the perfect fit. I still rate Blade as one of the best comic Book movies done although the scale slides dramatically to this shit fest, on another point I'd like to wager given the GOTG article posted today I believe the first Blade to have one of the best Movie soundtracks
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7:21PM on 02/17/2016
I had that soundtrack. And listen to most of the songs on there, even that crappy one with Bizzy Bone
I had that soundtrack. And listen to most of the songs on there, even that crappy one with Bizzy Bone
7:53AM on 02/18/2016
Snipes is a very very good Blade.
Snipes is a very very good Blade.
-1
12:25PM on 02/17/2016
What a shitty movie. Seriously I can´t blame Snipes for not getting out of his Trailer for this. With such a crappy half assed script full of horrible lines and bland characters...and that crap throwing monkey of a director...jeez.
What a shitty movie. Seriously I can´t blame Snipes for not getting out of his Trailer for this. With such a crappy half assed script full of horrible lines and bland characters...and that crap throwing monkey of a director...jeez.
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+1
12:21PM on 02/17/2016
The fight scene in the second film gave Blade more of a challenge than this movie did. I had to wait three month after the release to see this movie because I was living in Turkey at the time and I was really disappointed when I saw it. The only review I saw for it was from Ebert & Roper, but I didn't always agree with them. Wish I did that time.
The fight scene in the second film gave Blade more of a challenge than this movie did. I had to wait three month after the release to see this movie because I was living in Turkey at the time and I was really disappointed when I saw it. The only review I saw for it was from Ebert & Roper, but I didn't always agree with them. Wish I did that time.
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11:36AM on 02/17/2016
while I semi enjoy this movie. The success of Deadpool is going to bring us more Blade 3's unfortunately where they think putting f you on a doll is gonna be hip and clever and the audience will eat it up.
while I semi enjoy this movie. The success of Deadpool is going to bring us more Blade 3's unfortunately where they think putting f you on a doll is gonna be hip and clever and the audience will eat it up.
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11:07AM on 02/17/2016
Blade 1 and 2 are awesome but Blade 3 is just plain bad.
Blade 1 and 2 are awesome but Blade 3 is just plain bad.
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10:42AM on 02/17/2016
Obviously this isn't the best entry in the franchise, but I absolutely love this film with Reynolds easily being the best part. The only thing I disliked really was that they killed off Whistler.
Obviously this isn't the best entry in the franchise, but I absolutely love this film with Reynolds easily being the best part. The only thing I disliked really was that they killed off Whistler.
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12:20PM on 02/17/2016
I like most of your comments but your obsession with Reynolds is quite scary at times.
I like most of your comments but your obsession with Reynolds is quite scary at times.
1:08PM on 02/17/2016
But this time it's legit, Reynolds is the best thing about Blade 3.
But this time it's legit, Reynolds is the best thing about Blade 3.
3:33PM on 02/17/2016
@Herald: Well, if you look at it as a sort of Comedy, than yep, you´re right.
@Herald: Well, if you look at it as a sort of Comedy, than yep, you´re right.
3:54PM on 02/17/2016
Agreed! Reynolds REALLY is the only good thing about this god awful movie. I remember being really excited to see Hannibal King on the big screen, and I thought Reynolds nailed it in his own way, too bad the movie sucked balls!
Agreed! Reynolds REALLY is the only good thing about this god awful movie. I remember being really excited to see Hannibal King on the big screen, and I thought Reynolds nailed it in his own way, too bad the movie sucked balls!
8:35PM on 02/17/2016
The end fight was abysmal to say the least. Blade had a tougher fight against Frost in Blade 1.
The end fight was abysmal to say the least. Blade had a tougher fight against Frost in Blade 1.
10:39AM on 02/17/2016
This movie was just awful... David Goyer should be ashamed of himself
This movie was just awful... David Goyer should be ashamed of himself
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