Awfully Good: Christmas Caper
It's here! Awfully Good Christmas Month is here!
Christmas Caper (2007)
Director: David Winkler
Stars:Shannen Doherty, Ty Olsson, Sonya Salomaa
Is there a plot?
After a heist gone wrong, the world's greatest thief (Shannen Doherty?) must lay low and babysit her sister's kids for Christmas.
What's the damage?
I can't think of anyone better to star in a heartwarming ABC Family holiday movie than perpetual “bad girl” Shannen Doherty. Was Courtney Love not available?
Doherty plays the world's greatest thief in CHRISTMAS CAPER, which is laughable in its own right. She's so good at her profession that she literally runs in to the family she's stealing from as they walk in the front door. But she wears a tight leather jumpsuit though, so we'll call it a draw.
Screw Charlize Theron and Julia Roberts. Shannen Doherty's SNOW WHITE is the one I want to see!
Actually that might be true 10 years ago, but now…not so much. There are parts of CHRISTMAS CAPER where Doherty looks like she could be in her mid-fifities (and keep in mind this came out in 2007). The actress also clearly does not want to have anything to do with this movie—always a plus. She constantly looks bored and delivers her lines with all the enthusiasm of a Kevorkian patient, which works okay when she's playing the Grinchy thief, but not so much when she supposedly transforms in to a loving aunt who isn't a completely reprehensible human being.
"Do you think Luke Perry still finds me attractive?"
But let's not get ahead of ourselves. When we meet Doherty's character Kate, she's stealing a priceless diamond, which for some reason is kept inside the house of a middle-class family. Her partner (because this job clearly required two people) announces his intent to betray her, but she doesn't really listen and is left to be caught. After making a daring escape (opening a window and jumping out of it), Kate runs to her fence, a fat man who lives with his grandmother and works at a furniture store hitting on MILFs who want to buy bunk beds. Fat Fence suggests that she lay low in a small town for a while, and in the middle of their conversation Kate's sister calls asking that she come to their small town to watch her kids while they're out of town. Convenience!
This sign hangs over my bed, ladies.
So Kate goes to Comfort, Connecticut and looks after her predictably nightmarish niece and nephew. The girl is a goody two shoes whose only gift this year should be a smack to her precious face. The boy is a pansy teenager whose attempts at acting out make Macauly Culking from HOME ALONE look like Macauly Culkin from THE GOOD SON. But Kate knows her gene pool is shallow and that's why she doesn't care about their well-being whatsoever, making the littlest one cook for her in an unsupervised kitchen and letting the older one leave the house at night to do whatever he wants. Heck, she even teaches him better ways to sneak out unnoticed and steal from people. Kate's so wacky and untraditional an authority figure that she also uses her thief techniques as parenting advice. (Never flip on a partner!)
GRUMPY OLD MEN 3 took some surprising turns without Jack Lemmon or Walter Matthau.
Eventually she agrees to host a neighborhood Christmas party so she can steal everyone's stuff while they're out of their house. This leads to an homage to How the Grinch Stole Christmas, except featuring Shannen Doherty. (That might be a bigger affront to the holiday than having Goldberg play Santa.) But—complication!—Kate's former boyfriend is now the town's sheriff and they're falling back in love! Unfortunately we are then subjected to the worst stuff imaginable—a music montage as the family decorates the house together, a Christmas choir, and a scene where the boyfriend gives Kate the prom she never had—and suddenly her heart (not her boobs, sadly) grow three sizes bigger. Enough so that she and her estranged former partner sneak back in to people's houses to return their presents.
Wow, it's pretty bad when even the people paid to caption your movie don't care about it.
In the end, Kate gets caught and in the true spirit of Christmas, there's absolutely no consequences. Her sheriff boyfriend lets her escape, but she refuses and stays to face the music—only for the police to say “Hey, instead of sending you to prison for all the millions of dollars worth of stuff you've stolen, why don't you come work for us to help prevent future robberies!” It's like CATCH ME IF YOU CAN but with much more horribleness. And Shannen Doherty.
Nothing says ABC Family like pulling Santa's pants down in the middle of a mall full of children. (What if he had gone commando that day?)
1) I'm not exactly sure what's going on here but I'm almost positive that guy shouldn't be allowed near children.
2) Picture every bad holiday music montage you've ever seen. This one's worse.
None, but I'm sure you can find Shannen Doherty's Playboy spread online if you really want to.
Play Along at Home!
Take a shot or drink every time:
- Shannen Doherty is a terrible parent
- Bad pop rock plays
- Someone sings
- Someone has a weird staring contest
Double shot if:
- Shannen Doherty can't pour coffee
Need some more Christmas cheer? Grab some spiked eggnog and get in the spirit of the season with the rest of our Awfully Good holiday movies:
Bikini Bloodbath Christmas: 'Tis the season for some pleasin'!
Christmas Vacation 2: Cousin Eddie destroys a classic.
Reindeer Games: Ben Affleck bones Charlize Theron in the spirit of the season.
Fred Claus: Vince Vaughn is a dick to Christmas.
Santa Paws: St. Nick's dog scars children.
Puppetmaster vs. Demonic Toys: Corey Feldman vs. Farting Christmas Baby.
Ernest Saves Christmas: Jim Varney plays with Santa's sack.
Deck The Halls: Danny DeVito naked and incest jokes.
Christmas Evil: Mommy does more than kiss Santa Claus.
Santa Clause 3: Martin Short terrifies children.
Santa Claus Conquers The Martians: Santa battles cheap production values.
Jack Frost (1998): Michael Keaton is a dead snowman.
Jack Frost (1996): Frosty rapes Shannon Elizabeth.
Jingle All The Way: Arnold punches reindeer for toys.
Santa's Slay: St. Nick murders Fran Drescher.