Awfully Good: Dirty Love
What's the worst possible movie to show your loved one this Valentine's Day?
Dirty Love (2005)
Director: John Asher
Stars: Jenny McCarthy, Carmen Electra, Eddie Kaye Thomas
Someone let Jenny McCarthy write a movie.
I'm not surprised Jenny McCarthy wrote this movie. I am surprised that someone read what she wrote and then agreed to pay money to bring her horrible, horrible words to life. Perhaps the original draft of the script opened like this:
INT. A Hollywood home - Day.
Jenny McCarthy is unzipping the pants of a wealthy movie producer
So you promise to make my movie?
That's not the first time Jenny McCarthy grabbed a large piece of wood as if it were erect male genitalia. HEY-O!
DIRTY LOVE is one of the most offensively unfunny comedies ever. There's nothing worthwhile, interesting or entertaining going on here. It's just a painful, barely coherent waste of time and an embarrassment for everyone involved and their immediate families.
Who exactly told Jenny McCarthy she was funny? Sure, I enjoyed her goofiness on MTV's "Singled Out" during the mid-90s, but to be honest I wasn't really staring at her sense of humors. So it's not surprising that DIRTY LOVE isn't so much a screenplay as it is a series of random throwaway scenes sloppily tied together with crude jokes and gross-out gags. (Fart jokes are probably the classiest humor you'll find.) There's no plot other than McCarthy's unsympathetic and unendingly annoying character finding herself in a constant stream of bad dates and embarrassing situations after getting dumped by her cheating boyfriend. Well, there is a B-story involving her nice guy best friend being in love with her, but it's so cliché, I regret even acknowledging it. The dialogue ranges from the profane ("Did you sleep with Charlie the Tuna last night or do you need to douche?") to the profound ("The hardest love to learn is that which is dark, the kind that causes the most pain. It is up to the soul to look past that dirty love and regain the beauty that illuminated so bright before... pure love.") Hold on, I need to clean the vomit from my keyboard.
While not as nutritious as milk, Ho's still do a body good.
The rest of the cast is like a who's who of people you don't care about. Great thespians like Carmen Electra, Eddie Kaye Thomas of AMERICAN PIE "fame," Guillermo Diaz from HALF BAKED, Lochlyn Munro from DEAD MAN ON CAMPUS, and a cameo from walking nightmare Kathy Griffin. And just when you thought the appearances couldn't get any sadder, Canadian pop punk band Sum 41 shows up as themselves. It really doesn't help that everyone is also uniformly terrible. McCarthy's best friend in the film is supposed to be a terrible actress trying to make it in Hollywood and the real-life performer can't even do that convincingly.
"Don't ask me what happened to Dave Chappelle. I only smoked weed with the guy."
Since there's no plot, here are some moments you can look forward to:
- Carmen Electra as an Ebonics-speaking woman who waxes men's chest hair and spite poops in their beds.
- Finch from AMERICAN PIE peeing on furniture and being sexually assaulted by a giantess.
- Jenny McCarthy and her mother taking turns farting in to the phone receiver.
- A man putting a fish in his ass and screaming, "TOUCH MY BASS!"
- Racist Jewish stereotypes who vomits on Jenny McCarthy's breasts.
- The guy from HALF BAKED as a magician who gets an unending stream of scarves pulled from his naked anus.
- Sum 41 playing a full song as Jenny McCarthy appears on stage crying and humping each member of the band.
- And one of the worst things I ever seen—on film and in life— Jenny McCarthy getting her period at a supermarket and running around the store leaving a trail of menstrual blood everywhere. Eventually it forms an inhuman pool around her. An old lady slips in it.
And then there's Jenny McCarthy's disturbing idea of a "romantic" ending. Finch puts his heart on the line and sells his most prized possession in order to buy McCarthy new camera equipment. He still gets rejected because she doesn't love him… until she notices his white shoes are Pony brand and the fortune teller at the beginning of the movie said she'd be "rescued" by a white pony. So now she loves him and they kiss as inexplicable fireworks go off in the background. Here comes that vomit again…
I know I just made a farting joke using this same face, but Jenny McCarthy really is passing gas in this scene.
The best moments of dialogue, from ghetto Carmen Electra to the guy with a fish up his butt. (NSFW)
A "greatest hits" featuring stuff coming out of people's orifices, from magic scarves to impossible menstruation. I threw in Jenny McCarthy topless as an apology. (NSFW)
Jenny McCarthy gives you a flash, but her boobs are covered in vomit.
Take a shot or drink every time:
- Jenny McCarthy says, "Oh my God"
- Jenny McCarthy exposes herself
- Something disgusting happens
- Carmen Electra waxes someone
- The guy from Half Baked says "Magic!" or does a magic trick
- Someone says the name of a Deftones album (White Pony)
Thanks to Richard for suggesting this week's movie!
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