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Awfully Good: Dirty Love

02.12.2014

What's the worst possible movie to show your loved one this Valentine's Day?

Dirty Love (2005)

Director: John Asher
Stars: Jenny McCarthy, Carmen Electra, Eddie Kaye Thomas

Someone let Jenny McCarthy write a movie.

I'm not surprised Jenny McCarthy wrote this movie. I am surprised that someone read what she wrote and then agreed to pay money to bring her horrible, horrible words to life. Perhaps the original draft of the script opened like this:

INT. A Hollywood home - Day.
Jenny McCarthy is unzipping the pants of a wealthy movie producer

JENNY
So you promise to make my movie?

PRODUCER
Ummm…


That's not the first time Jenny McCarthy grabbed a large piece of wood as if it were erect male genitalia. HEY-O!

DIRTY LOVE is one of the most offensively unfunny comedies ever. There's nothing worthwhile, interesting or entertaining going on here. It's just a painful, barely coherent waste of time and an embarrassment for everyone involved and their immediate families.

Who exactly told Jenny McCarthy she was funny? Sure, I enjoyed her goofiness on MTV's "Singled Out" during the mid-90s, but to be honest I wasn't really staring at her sense of humors. So it's not surprising that DIRTY LOVE isn't so much a screenplay as it is a series of random throwaway scenes sloppily tied together with crude jokes and gross-out gags. (Fart jokes are probably the classiest humor you'll find.) There's no plot other than McCarthy's unsympathetic and unendingly annoying character finding herself in a constant stream of bad dates and embarrassing situations after getting dumped by her cheating boyfriend. Well, there is a B-story involving her nice guy best friend being in love with her, but it's so cliché, I regret even acknowledging it. The dialogue ranges from the profane ("Did you sleep with Charlie the Tuna last night or do you need to douche?") to the profound ("The hardest love to learn is that which is dark, the kind that causes the most pain. It is up to the soul to look past that dirty love and regain the beauty that illuminated so bright before... pure love.") Hold on, I need to clean the vomit from my keyboard.


While not as nutritious as milk, Ho's still do a body good.

The rest of the cast is like a who's who of people you don't care about. Great thespians like Carmen Electra, Eddie Kaye Thomas of AMERICAN PIE "fame," Guillermo Diaz from HALF BAKED, Lochlyn Munro from DEAD MAN ON CAMPUS, and a cameo from walking nightmare Kathy Griffin. And just when you thought the appearances couldn't get any sadder, Canadian pop punk band Sum 41 shows up as themselves. It really doesn't help that everyone is also uniformly terrible. McCarthy's best friend in the film is supposed to be a terrible actress trying to make it in Hollywood and the real-life performer can't even do that convincingly.


"Don't ask me what happened to Dave Chappelle. I only smoked weed with the guy."

Since there's no plot, here are some moments you can look forward to:
- Carmen Electra as an Ebonics-speaking woman who waxes men's chest hair and spite poops in their beds.
- Finch from AMERICAN PIE peeing on furniture and being sexually assaulted by a giantess.
- Jenny McCarthy and her mother taking turns farting in to the phone receiver.
- A man putting a fish in his ass and screaming, "TOUCH MY BASS!"
- Racist Jewish stereotypes who vomits on Jenny McCarthy's breasts.
- The guy from HALF BAKED as a magician who gets an unending stream of scarves pulled from his naked anus.
- Sum 41 playing a full song as Jenny McCarthy appears on stage crying and humping each member of the band.
- And one of the worst things I ever seen—on film and in life— Jenny McCarthy getting her period at a supermarket and running around the store leaving a trail of menstrual blood everywhere. Eventually it forms an inhuman pool around her. An old lady slips in it.


"I'm farting!"

And then there's Jenny McCarthy's disturbing idea of a "romantic" ending. Finch puts his heart on the line and sells his most prized possession in order to buy McCarthy new camera equipment. He still gets rejected because she doesn't love him… until she notices his white shoes are Pony brand and the fortune teller at the beginning of the movie said she'd be "rescued" by a white pony. So now she loves him and they kiss as inexplicable fireworks go off in the background. Here comes that vomit again…


I know I just made a farting joke using this same face, but Jenny McCarthy really is passing gas in this scene.

The best moments of dialogue, from ghetto Carmen Electra to the guy with a fish up his butt. (NSFW)

A "greatest hits" featuring stuff coming out of people's orifices, from magic scarves to impossible menstruation. I threw in Jenny McCarthy topless as an apology. (NSFW)

Jenny McCarthy gives you a flash, but her boobs are covered in vomit.


Like it dirty? Buy this movie here!

Take a shot or drink every time:
  • Jenny McCarthy says, "Oh my God"
  • Jenny McCarthy exposes herself
  • Something disgusting happens
  • Carmen Electra waxes someone
  • The guy from Half Baked says "Magic!" or does a magic trick
Double shot if:
  • Someone says the name of a Deftones album (White Pony)

Thanks to Richard for suggesting this week's movie!

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email or follow him on Twitter and give him an excuse to drink.

CLICK IMAGE TO OPEN GALLERY & SEE MORE PICS...

Source: JoBlo.com

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10:13AM on 02/12/2014
Who thinks to themselves "you know, I'm going to write myself a movie that will ensure nobody ever perceives me as attractive ever again!" ?
Who thinks to themselves "you know, I'm going to write myself a movie that will ensure nobody ever perceives me as attractive ever again!" ?
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10:20AM on 02/12/2014

Yes !

I rented this movie a few years ago just for the hotness of JMC and the curiosity the poster provided to me and... I have to admit, I enjoyed the film. Of course, it's dirty, offensive, everithing you want, but the movie assumes this postulate and delivers a quite fun movie, a story you want to follow and some guilty pleasure laugh !
Turn your brain off, do not expect an intelligent movie and just enjoy !
I rented this movie a few years ago just for the hotness of JMC and the curiosity the poster provided to me and... I have to admit, I enjoyed the film. Of course, it's dirty, offensive, everithing you want, but the movie assumes this postulate and delivers a quite fun movie, a story you want to follow and some guilty pleasure laugh !
Turn your brain off, do not expect an intelligent movie and just enjoy !
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+1
6:05PM on 02/12/2014
I have heard of this movie, but I had no idea it was this atrocious. Yikes!
I have heard of this movie, but I had no idea it was this atrocious. Yikes!
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10:11AM on 02/12/2014
What inspired her to make this movie? It looks awfully bad. And that fish stuck in a guy's butt is probably a predecessor of The Human Centipede, hehe.
What inspired her to make this movie? It looks awfully bad. And that fish stuck in a guy's butt is probably a predecessor of The Human Centipede, hehe.
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1:58PM on 02/13/2014
Love this movie! Guaranteed you will get a decent amount of laughs out of this movie. Especially good for what the movie is... a cheap, straight to video movie. Acting isn't the best but you wouldn't expect it would be if it is starring Jenny and Carmen.
Love this movie! Guaranteed you will get a decent amount of laughs out of this movie. Especially good for what the movie is... a cheap, straight to video movie. Acting isn't the best but you wouldn't expect it would be if it is starring Jenny and Carmen.
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11:43PM on 02/12/2014

Roger Ebert said it best in his review (FYI, he gave it zero stars)

"This movie wasn't written and directed, it was committed. Here is a film so pitiful it doesn't rise to the level of badness. It is hopelessly incompetent. It stars and was scripted by Jenny McCarthy, the cheerfully sexy model who, judging by this film, is fearless, plucky and completely lacking in common sense or any instinct for self-preservation."
"This movie wasn't written and directed, it was committed. Here is a film so pitiful it doesn't rise to the level of badness. It is hopelessly incompetent. It stars and was scripted by Jenny McCarthy, the cheerfully sexy model who, judging by this film, is fearless, plucky and completely lacking in common sense or any instinct for self-preservation."
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+0
11:51AM on 02/12/2014

WHAT'S WRONG ABOUT SUM 41?

Anyway, I gave this a 3/10. I got the messages it was trying to convey, which were true, but it just wasn't funny.

Jenny McCarthy was terrible. Eddie Kaye Thomas was passable. Carmen Electra said funny things but she herself wasn't funny. Director John Asher didn't even know where he was. And like you said, Kam Heskin was so bad that her audition scenes didn't seem different from the rest of the movie.

I'm against the Razzies nominating "Worst Couple" to "Anyone on screen". But this
Anyway, I gave this a 3/10. I got the messages it was trying to convey, which were true, but it just wasn't funny.

Jenny McCarthy was terrible. Eddie Kaye Thomas was passable. Carmen Electra said funny things but she herself wasn't funny. Director John Asher didn't even know where he was. And like you said, Kam Heskin was so bad that her audition scenes didn't seem different from the rest of the movie.

I'm against the Razzies nominating "Worst Couple" to "Anyone on screen". But this time I agreed with "REBECCA and anyone dumb enough to date or befriend her". She's an annoying woman with no reason for us to root for her.
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