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Awfully Good: For Your Height Only

11.03.2010


For Your Height Only (1981)

Director: Eddie Nicart
Stars:Weng Weng, Yehlen Catral, Carmi Martin


Is there a plot?

He's got the suave demeanor of Sean Connery, the good looks of Pierce Brosnan, the raw physicality of Daniel Craig and a literal height of 007.

What's the damage?

No cute or funny introduction this week. FOR YOUR HEIGHT ONLY is a James Bond movie starring a Filipino midget named Weng Weng. That's all I should need to say.


I don't care what you do to THE ROCKETEER remake as long as you bring back buxom Jennifer Connelly.

I don't even know where to start. Amazingly enough, the film is played as a straight spy movie, except with a little person as the lead character, Agent 00. (I guess he was too short to earn the extra 7?) That fact is hardly ever acknowledged by anyone in the film. One girl says he's "petite like a potato," but other than that everyone acts as if he's a normal sized, badass secret agent. Not one character says "Holy hell, the guy we've been running from this whole time is 2 feet tall!" Or when James Bond-Lite offers to help rescue a girl from a prostitution ring, her first reaction isn't to respond with "Where are your parents? Are you lost?" At one point the little guy even manages to disguise himself and get past the bad guys before they say, "Hey, wasn't that Agent 00?" Um, yes, he's the only midget within five square miles.

"I'm sorry, ladies. It's pimping time."

Naturally the best part of FOR YOUR HEIGHT ONLY are the fight scenes. It looks like Weng Weng received about 4 days of martial arts training before the movie and the results make for some hilarious action sequences. The poor guy gets thrown around and slid across the floor like a puck, but he does use his diminutive size to his advantage, constantly running through people's legs, kicking them in the shin, hiding in holes in the wall or under shrubbery, and using umbrellas to float his tiny body. He also has a Bond-like arsenal of amazing gadgets including tiny machine guns and katanas, a mood ring that can detect poison, a remote control flying hat, legit X-ray glasses and a miniature jet pack.

When you need to stand tall, drink Coke.

The bad guys in the film are clearly the most evil the Philippines could muster. They do everything from smuggling drugs in dinner rolls to kidnapping a professor for his invention that can take over the world, except we never find out what that invention is because the writers were too lazy to come up with an answer. (The professor is being held hostage at their secret lair literally called Hidden Island, except they all carry around maps with the words "HIDDEN" pointing to it in big letters.) And who is the big villain of the piece? He goes by the name Mr. Giant and for the majority of the movie exists only as a voice speaking through a magical mirror. If you have any sense of irony or foresight you can probably guess the big final reveal: Mr. Giant actually ends up being a dwarf. Thus ensues the greatest midget vs. dwarf battle OF ALL TIME. If you wish to stop reading words now and just watch this for yourself, I understand. It's located in the Best Parts section below.

When Chester made a wish that one part of his body would remain normal sized, he wasn't talking about his nipples.

Two other things worth mentioning:

1) FOR YOUR HEIGHT ONLY has some incredible dubbing on display, and by incredible I mean the voiceover artists decided to do give each speaking character in the movie their own uniquely bad accent, from British cockney to American ghetto. (Agent 00 himself a nasally voice that’s the polar opposite of suave.) And on top of that, often times they just say things that make absolutely no sense but match the original actor's mouths. That's a great way to write a script.

Worst part of being friends with the Hollow Man: Staring contests are no longer fun.

2) Like any good movie spy, Agent 00 is a chick magnet and constantly woos and arouses many a lady throughout the course of the film. Unfortunately, Weng Weng is probably the least sexualized character since Atticus Finch and looks like a 4 year old, which leads to many creepy romantic scenes that look like they belong on Dateline's "To Catch a Predator."

 

"Best" Line

You get two: a weird/funny height comment and a scene where each henchman talks in a ridiculously bad accent.


"Best" Parts

1) A must-see compilation of some of the best fighting and action scenes.

2) What you've been waiting your whole life to witness: a midget fighting a dwarf with the fate of the world hanging in the balance.

3) Some of the hero's "sexiest" moments, including a misuse of X-ray glasses, a precursor to getting laid and a hilariously awkward scene that borders on sexual assault.


Nudity Watch

You get a clear view of Weng Weng with his shirt off and his dinner plate nipples in plain sight.


Enjoyableness
Continuum:

Best spy "comedy" since TOP SECRET? Buy this movie here!


Play Along at Home!

Take a shot or drink every time:

  • Agent 00 is a pimp
  • Agent 00 slides on the floor
  • Agent 00 is thrown or swung
  • Bond music is ripped off
  • A ridiculous gadget is used
  • There is a funny Filipino extra or henchmen


Double shot if:

  • Agen 00 pulls a Chow Yun-Fat

 

Thanks to Billy for suggesting this week’s movie!


Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email and give him an excuse to drink.

Source: Digital Dorm
Tags: awfully good

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