Latest Movie News Headlines

Awfully Good: G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra

Mar. 27, 2013by: Jason Adams

In case you were considering watching the first G.I. JOE movie before RETALIATION

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Director: Stephen Sommers
Stars: Channing Tatum, Marlon Wayans, Joseph Gordon-Levitt

A really weird mix of soldiers are the only ones who can stop a really weird mix of bad guys.

In some ways, G.I. JOE: THE RISE OF COBRA is the perfect toy adaptation. It's the movie equivalent of giving a child something to play with and seeing what happens. "Okay, this guy goes here. And this goes BOOM! And this car flies over here. And then the ninja shoots the other ninja! PWEW! PWEW! PWEW!" There's not really a plot, a story or even characters in this thingjust whatever the hell Stephen Sommers feels like throwing in there, regardless of whether or not it makes sense. Occasionally it's ridiculous in a fun way, but overall, it's just dumb beyond legally permissible levels.


Who should replace Arnold in TERMINATOR 5?

I should admit that I never was a huge G.I. Joe fan growing up. (I preferred the vastly superior Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos.) So I don't particularly take fanboy offense to any changes in canon that Sommers and screenwriter Stuart Beattie made here. I do get offended, however, by lazy scripts built upon narrative convenience. For example, did you know that Duke and The Baroness used to be engaged and his best friend was Ripcord and her brother was Cobra Commander? And they hung out all the time and were BFFs? What about the fact that Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow were kids at the same ninja clan and hated each other back then too? There's this massive story taking place on an international scale and everybody just happens to have gone to the same high school together.


The production could only afford to pay half of Dennis Quaid's salary and it showed.

Other stupid things:
-Why does the movie need to have prologue set in medieval France with Destro's ancestors? Just to show that he has a genetic predisposition to being an asshole and wearing a mask?
- A solid 40 minutes of this film are pointless flashbacks, because apparently that's the easiest way to build character. When Storm Shadow first fights with Snake Eyes and he says, "Hello, brother!" we can infer that 2) they used to know each other and b) don't like each other now. We don't need five flashbacks confirming that. (Though it is fun to see that even in preschool they still called him Storm Shadow.)
- I'll give you one or two JOE catchphrases like "real American heroes" and "knowing is half the battle." But a "kung fu grip" reference is crossing the line.


This is what Brendan Fraser looks like when he wakes up in the morning.

As you can surmise, GI JOE is so bad it plays like a comedy starring people who are not funny. Channing Tatum has proven himself recently, but here he's dead weight as the most uninteresting action hero since ever. Sienna Miller and Rachel Nichols exist solely for the sake of form fitting leather and running on a treadmill. (And Marlon Wayans exists just to ogle them.) Dennis Quaid is about as dimensional as his hologram, while his field commander Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje (Mr. Eko!) gets to test out a poorly chosen southern accent. Heck, even Brendan Fraser shows up for one scene to make weird faces and then disappear forever. The only person that totally gets what movie he's in is Joseph Gordon-Levitt. His voice and mannerisms are straight out of the cartoon. Too bad they changed his Cobra Commander from this to this:


"Make something that makes Sam Raimi's Green Goblin mask seem subtle and natural."

Since Stephen Sommers clearly gives zero shits about G.I. Joe, it's most likely he just made this movie as an exercise in technology porn. There's no other excuse for the overload of gadgets and high-tech f*ckery in every frame of this flick. There are holograms galore, invisible camouflage suits, robot fish, dead person memory sticks, sonic guns andmy favoritevoice-activated jets that only responds to verbal commands in Gaelic. And of course there's the nanomites, which is scientific speak for "Yippee, we can do whatever the f*ck we want!" The nanomites can eat metal and destroy entire cities, change people's appearances, turn regular joes in to super soldiers whatever the script needs them to do. They can also control minds, which is convenient since [SPOILERS!] it turns out The Baroness isn't really evilher head is just filled with nanomites! But even the power of nanotechnology is no match for her love for Channing Tatum.


Need your hand pierced? There's an app for that.

And then there's the accelerator suits. You may remember a couple months back we featured Sommers' fun and underrated DEEP RISING. If there are any flashes of that same filmmaker here, it's with these super suits that give Tatum and Wayans impossible abilities. It's completely ridiculous and a big eff you to physics, but you can pretty much hear the director giggling off camera during the entire sequence. I'll admit it's fun seeing our heroes literally run through Parisplowing in to buildings and trains at super speed, destroying cars with a single tap and dodging missiles with ballet-like gracelike watching a live action cartoon. (Just think about how many people died in automobile accidents and collateral damage during this chase.) It's an undeniably dumb, fun sequence, and the best part of the movie, but it's still not G.I. Joe


Arnold Vosloo had a bad habit of yelling "Anck-su-Namun!" and creeping up on women.

I wonder how many takes it took for Dennis Quaid to yell "Deploy the sharks!" with a straight face. Also, a good sample of Joseph Gordon Levitt's cartoony voice.

The loud, dumb and fun accelerator suit chase.

No nudity, but there is this catfight between Sienna Miller and Rachel Nichols.

Okay, maybe this movie isn't so bad


Don't know if you should buy this movie? You've already lost half the battle!

Take a shot or drink every time:
  • There's a flashback to something
  • Someone whistles
  • Someone's face gets weird
  • The movie looks like a video game cut scene
Double shot if:
  • A car gets damaged (just kidding)

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email or follow him on Twitter and give him an excuse to drink.

Extra Tidbit: You may recognize the actor that plays Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow's ninja master as Gerald Okamura, the world's noisiest martial artist.
Source: JoBlo.com

MORE FUN FROM AROUND THE WEB

Strikeback
Not registered? Sign-up!
Or

6:20PM on 03/27/2013
I'm pretty sure Adewale was going for north London accent if I (attempted to) remember correctly.
My favourite part was when a young storm shadow was chewed out by his Abbot for being mean...And fighting.... with an INTRUDER (a young Snake eyes btw) who was rummaging through the monestary kitchen...during late hours.
That scene was so mind numbingly stupid that I actually felt sorry for storm shadow. C'MON! How was the kid suppose to react when (a)someone you don't know (b)happens to be a
I'm pretty sure Adewale was going for north London accent if I (attempted to) remember correctly.
My favourite part was when a young storm shadow was chewed out by his Abbot for being mean...And fighting.... with an INTRUDER (a young Snake eyes btw) who was rummaging through the monestary kitchen...during late hours.
That scene was so mind numbingly stupid that I actually felt sorry for storm shadow. C'MON! How was the kid suppose to react when (a)someone you don't know (b)happens to be a white-kid alone in Japan for some reason (c) is trespassing on your property??
Your Reply:



Please email me when someone replies to my comment
12:04PM on 03/27/2013
It is an enjoyably stupid movie. The acting is pretty bad, the script is lazy, the cg is shitty at best, there are miscasts galore, and it is not very faithful to the source but I enjoyed in spite of myself.
It is an enjoyably stupid movie. The acting is pretty bad, the script is lazy, the cg is shitty at best, there are miscasts galore, and it is not very faithful to the source but I enjoyed in spite of myself.
Your Reply:



Please email me when someone replies to my comment
10:52AM on 03/27/2013
Oh come on! It's pure popcorn fun. I enjoyed the heck out of it. Love that Arnold Vosloo's Anuck Su Namun joke though. That's spot on!
Oh come on! It's pure popcorn fun. I enjoyed the heck out of it. Love that Arnold Vosloo's Anuck Su Namun joke though. That's spot on!
Your Reply:



Please email me when someone replies to my comment
10:30AM on 03/27/2013

No

Usually when people say a movie is fun, that's code for this movies sucks. Let's stop celebrating movies that Stephen Sommers makes. He's a horrible director, and deserves to be pushed out. He ruined the Mummy movies and has now ruined this one. Make him stop and put him in Movie Jail!
Usually when people say a movie is fun, that's code for this movies sucks. Let's stop celebrating movies that Stephen Sommers makes. He's a horrible director, and deserves to be pushed out. He ruined the Mummy movies and has now ruined this one. Make him stop and put him in Movie Jail!
Your Reply:



Please email me when someone replies to my comment
6:20PM on 03/27/2013
Oh man I could not be more with you, this guy is my nemesis, everything he touches turns to shit. In my book he's the worst director ever. How on earth can you screw up something with the possibilities of Van Helsing...
Oh man I could not be more with you, this guy is my nemesis, everything he touches turns to shit. In my book he's the worst director ever. How on earth can you screw up something with the possibilities of Van Helsing...
9:33AM on 03/27/2013
The film's fine for what it is - I mean how serious does a movie based on an 80s toy license need to be anyway, but they didn't do themselves with some ropey CGI and an action set-piece that was done previously with puppets to hilarious effect. Hopefully the sequel will get more right than it gets wrong, but the first movie was a good laugh.
The film's fine for what it is - I mean how serious does a movie based on an 80s toy license need to be anyway, but they didn't do themselves with some ropey CGI and an action set-piece that was done previously with puppets to hilarious effect. Hopefully the sequel will get more right than it gets wrong, but the first movie was a good laugh.
Your Reply:



Please email me when someone replies to my comment
8:09AM on 03/27/2013

Gimme a break

Just because there's good hype about the sequel it does not justify a "re-evaluation" of the first movie. Six of us got drunk, went to the movie hyped up for stupidity and came out so depressed by the mind-numbing idiocracy that we were completely sober and it ruined our entire night. So no, I don't even read most of these articles but this is just... just "NO".
Just because there's good hype about the sequel it does not justify a "re-evaluation" of the first movie. Six of us got drunk, went to the movie hyped up for stupidity and came out so depressed by the mind-numbing idiocracy that we were completely sober and it ruined our entire night. So no, I don't even read most of these articles but this is just... just "NO".
Your Reply:



Please email me when someone replies to my comment
7:46AM on 03/27/2013
GI Joe was by far the worst movie I've seen at the cinema in the last 10 years. I've never been as close to walking out of a movie as I was watching this.
There's so bad it's good, and then there's just plain bad. This was the latter for me.
GI Joe was by far the worst movie I've seen at the cinema in the last 10 years. I've never been as close to walking out of a movie as I was watching this.
There's so bad it's good, and then there's just plain bad. This was the latter for me.
Your Reply:



Please email me when someone replies to my comment
4:57AM on 03/27/2013
GI Joe was by far the worst movie I've seen at the cinema in the last 10 years. I've never been as close to walking out of a movie as I was watching this.
There's so bad it's good, and then there's just plain bad. This was the latter for me.
GI Joe was by far the worst movie I've seen at the cinema in the last 10 years. I've never been as close to walking out of a movie as I was watching this.
There's so bad it's good, and then there's just plain bad. This was the latter for me.
Your Reply:



Please email me when someone replies to my comment
2:42AM on 03/27/2013

I loved this movie

-If the bad guy loves his sister, why does he brain wash her into doing evil. Sending her on dangerous missions and selling her off to marriage. And she has no training to do any of this to begin with.
-Ice is collapsing on the secret base, because you know, ice sinks
-Was anyone else singing "America (Fuck Yeah)" during the Paris scene?
-If the bad guy loves his sister, why does he brain wash her into doing evil. Sending her on dangerous missions and selling her off to marriage. And she has no training to do any of this to begin with.
-Ice is collapsing on the secret base, because you know, ice sinks
-Was anyone else singing "America (Fuck Yeah)" during the Paris scene?
Your Reply:



Please email me when someone replies to my comment
1:54AM on 03/27/2013
"Dumb beyond legally permissible levels" is right. Stephen Sommers was aiming to make a live-action cartoon, but without staying true to the spirit of the actual animated series. Yeah, it was fun, but it had the tendency to feel overly-ridiculous and in spite of its evidently futuristic setting, was a really old-fashioned kind of cheesy. I'm happy to note that Retaliation is an improvement, as Jon Chu has moved the style away from the overt-cartooniness and actually make it even more fun, and
"Dumb beyond legally permissible levels" is right. Stephen Sommers was aiming to make a live-action cartoon, but without staying true to the spirit of the actual animated series. Yeah, it was fun, but it had the tendency to feel overly-ridiculous and in spite of its evidently futuristic setting, was a really old-fashioned kind of cheesy. I'm happy to note that Retaliation is an improvement, as Jon Chu has moved the style away from the overt-cartooniness and actually make it even more fun, and Rhett Resse and Paul Wernick's script strikes the right balance between winking self-awareness and rah rah, inner-kid escapism. It's something of a relief that Retaliation isn't the GI Joe equivalent of Revenge of the Fallen.
Your Reply:



Please email me when someone replies to my comment
12:55AM on 03/27/2013
I think we all know that this film could have been much better and I think most of us movie fans were happy with what we got. A very entertaining and enjoyable action flick. Some of it was cheesy, but the cool action sequences made up for it. Judging by the previews for the sequel, it sees like they learned from their mistakes and are delivering us a much better film.

This isn't the best movie in the world, but I would take this over any of the Transformer films. Anyway, I'm super excited
I think we all know that this film could have been much better and I think most of us movie fans were happy with what we got. A very entertaining and enjoyable action flick. Some of it was cheesy, but the cool action sequences made up for it. Judging by the previews for the sequel, it sees like they learned from their mistakes and are delivering us a much better film.

This isn't the best movie in the world, but I would take this over any of the Transformer films. Anyway, I'm super excited for Retaliation this weekend.
Your Reply:



Please email me when someone replies to my comment
View All Comments

Latest Movie News Headlines


Top
Loading...
JoBlo's T-Shirt Shoppe | support our site... Wear Our Gear!