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Awfully Good: Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers

10.26.2011

What could possibly top last year's HALLOWEEN: RESURRECTION with Busta Ryhmes?


Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers (1995)

Director: Joe Chappelle
Stars: Paul Rudd, Donald Pleasence, Marianne Hagan


Is there a plot?

Michael Myers vs. Paul Rudd!

What's the damage?

In the same year CLUELESS introduced Paul Rudd to the world (or Paul Stephen Rudd, as he’s credited here), he met a foe far scarier than valley girl Alicia Silverstone—The Shape himself, Michael Myers. In this fifth sequel (fourth if you discount SEASON OF THE WITCH), Rudd plays none other than grown up Tommy Doyle, the little boy Laurie Strode babysat in the original film. And yes, he should definitely be embarrassed by this movie.

Nobody ever wanted to hug Jenny Sharptorso.

That doesn't mean Rudd isn't the best thing in the movie, because he absolutely is. Even at such an early stage in his career you can see the budding genius of a gifted comic performer…even though the dramatic role doesn't call for it at all. Rudd is always inappropriately smiling, doing weird reaction shots, or just clearly on the verge of laughter, presumably to keep himself entertained on the set of what was obviously a terrible, terrible movie. Even when he goes up to Michael mano-a-mano, he's still sporting a shit-eating grin like he can't believe how dumb the script is. As written, Tommy Doyle is nothing more than a creepy loner/stalker, obsessed with the legend of Michael Myers and the Halloween killings. This is why, when we're first introduced to Rudd as our hero, he's using a telescope to spy on his undressing neighbor...under the pretense of protecting her, of course! Apparently all Tommy does with his free time is worry about the return of The Shape—sitting in a candlelit room staring at pictures of him, calling in to radio shows and acting like a psycho—just average teenage stuff. And considering Michael Myers doesn't seem to have surfaced for nearly a decade, we can only imagine what he's been up to on a daily basis.

"Wait, you're not the Mike Myers from SNL!"

If future Fantana is the one good thing in HALLOWEEN: THE CURSE OF MICHAEL MYERS, then you don't even want to hear about the rest. The story picks up years after the fifth movie, where Michael's niece Jamie has been kidnapped by a cult led by a mysterious Man in Black and is now about to give birth to another Myers spawn. Did I say cult? Yep, the writers decide to usher in a stupid back story to explain away what makes Michael scary in the first place. The Shape is terrifying because he's an unstoppable, inexplicably evil force (most effective when he’s slowly stalking his victims, not when he’s mowing down women in his windowless rape van like in this movie). Don't bring in a kitchen sink of garbage to explain why Michael Myers is Michael Myers, like the dumb cult or the "Curse of the Thorn," which suggests druids, constellations, and a mysterious voice that tells Michael what to do. The one true link to the old school Michael is Dr. Loomis, who shows up but literally does not do a single thing at all. Poor Donald Pleasence spends his last film performance hobbling around, clearly dissatisfied with the script and deserving better than a few meaningless scenes.

Tyler Durden's Suicide Hotline…not very helpful.

Allegedly, the film was rewritten on the fly by director Joe Chappelle, which might explain why the last act makes less sense than HALLOWEEN III. Just as the cult reveals itself to our heroes and everything is about to finally be explained, the movie falls apart within itself. The cult leaders are somehow also scientists who are trying to extract Michael's DNA in order to…. Who cares! Michael jumps in and kills everyone before we can find out. (At least we think; there are three or four major characters, like Dr. Wynn and Mrs. Blankenship, whose fate we never see.) Then there's the requisite showdown where Michael is easily defeated by teenagers…until one final scream is heard off camera. Is Michael dead (in this continuity, at least)? Or did he finally kill Dr. Loomis? We'll never know because the people behind this stupid movie were too lazy to finish it.

Haha, now you have child porn on your computer!

"Best" Line

Paul Rudd's reaction to this crazy lady is a classic.


"Best" Parts

1) Three of Michael's best kills from the film involving exploding heads, a corn thresher and a guy who must be a lawyer, because he clearly passed the bar.


2) Paul Rudd's greatest hits, including general creepiness, random yelling and smiling and plenty of bad reaction shots.


Nudity Watch

As per horror movie guidelines, the slutty girl gets naked and has sex.


Enjoyableness
Continuum:

You know how I know you're gay (and have bad taste in film)? Buy this movie here!


Play Along at Home!

Take a shot or drink every time:

  • Paul Rudd smiles or has a weird reaction shot
  • Paul Rudd is creepy
  • Michael is involved in a high speed chase
  • Someone uses "primo" as an adjective
  • Michael assists in the bathroom


Double shot if:

  • It rains red



Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email and give him an excuse to drink.

Source: Digital Dorm
Tags: awfully good

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