Awfully Good: Judge Dredd

September 19th 2012, 1:32am

Last Updated on August 5, 2021

I’ve seen DREDD and am proud to report that it kicks enough ass to wipe the horrid memory of the 1995 Stallone version from your mind. But for old time’s sake…

JUDGE DREDD (1995)

Director: Danny Cannon
Stars: Sylvester Stallone, Rob Schneider, Diane Lane

Sylvester Stallone is THE LAAAAWH!

After CLIFFHANGER turned out to be pretty awesome and DEMOLITION MAN was enjoyably over the top (pun intended), Sylvester Stallone decided he was due for a cinematic stinker. So the Italian Stallion did the one thing that someone in this situation would do: He brought on Rob Schneider to co-star in his next movie.

Surely making a sex joke here would be beneath this film and taking things out of context for a cheap laugh…

In all honestly, you can completely see why Stallone was drawn to the R-rated comic book world of JUDGE DREDD. The idea of a badass judge, jury and executioner dispensing justice bullets in a scum-ridden dystopian future seems like a recipe for glorious violence that’s right down his alley. (He’s even got the Man Chin to fit under Dredd’s helmet.) Unfortunately, the powers that be decided it’d be a good idea to hire writer Steven E. de Souza, fresh off making baby Jesus cry with his adaptation/rape of STREET FIGHTER.

…or not.

With nearly three decades of great source material to draw from, of course de Souza’s script almost immediately takes the titular Judge out of his ass kicking environment and puts him on the run in the desert…in a horrible buddy comedy…with Rob Schneider. This makes it extremely convenient for Stallone, since he doesn’t have to wear a helmet for 90% of the film. It’s also obvious de Souza had a bet going with his friends to see how many times they could get Stallone screaming about and taking ownership of “the law.”

“No, I’m not a fan of disco. Why do you ask?”

Okay, let’s talk about Rob Schneider. He sucks so much in this movie he brings suicidal undertones to the phrase comic “relief.” His character exists for no logical reason other than to complain and irritate the audience. If it weren’t for him this might be an enjoyably mindless 90s action flick, but every time Schneider is onscreen I welcome sweet death. (And it’s not just me; you can actually watch Stallone’s annoyed eyes wanting to hatef*ck the “comedian” the entire time.) A younger, smokin’ Diane Lane also appears along with Max Von Syndow, though neither have anything to do besides try not to laugh whenever Stallone yells. The one actual brilliant bit of casting is Armand Assante as the villain Rico. Pairing Assante and Stallone together as clone-brothers is genius; they both share the same jaw and have equal penchants for overacting. Their short scenes together are awe-inspiring. One can only imagine the amount of saliva accidentally sprayed on set that day. Truly epic.

Shhhh….go to sleep Schneider. Never wake up.

I also have to call special attention to JUDGE DREDD’s opening sequence, which is a montage of random comic book covers (with James Earl Jones narration, no less!), as if the filmmakers want to remind you, “Hey, this is based on somebody else’s work. We didn’t make this shit up! Don’t blame us!”

Don’t worry. Ultimately, we don’t blame you for this movie. We blame God.

Sylvester Stallone and friends would like to tell you about The Law.

Rob Schneider makes a gay joke and Stallone fights a cyborg cannibal (who sounds a lot like him). Plus, Stallone loves The Law so much, you can watch him undress a statue of Lady Justice with his eyes.

Joan Chen shows some cleavage in a catfight with Diane Lane. But besides that the future apparently sucks for boobies.

Take a long walk in to the cursed Earth. In other words, buy this movie here!

Take a shot or drink every time: