Awfully Good: Killer Condom
Killer Condom (1996)
Director: Martin Walz
Stars: Udo Samel, Peter Lohmeyer, Marc Richter
"The rubber that rubs you out!"
KILLER CONDOM is a strange beast. Despite every instinct your brain would suggest, it's not your average high-concept horror movie. It's not even typical for a braindead, no-budget Troma film. This is a movie about a psychotic prophylactic where the filmmakers actually tried.
I know; it's weird.
Probably the most interesting thing about KILLER CONDOM (to me at least) is that Swiss surrealist and ALIEN designer H.R. Giger worked on the film as a "creative consultant." Allegedly, Giger came up with the look of the title character and also conceived some of the film's more bizarre set pieces (i.e. the Penis Dartboard). The carnivorous contraceptive, which admittedly shares some similarities to Giger's work on the Sandworm from DUNE, has teeth like a lamprey and makes cartoon sound effects as it squirms around. (Keep an eye out for the Condom POV shot throughout the movie.) There's actually a rather in-depth scientific explanation explaining the sheath's biological composition and how it functions.
But what really makes this movie special is that it plays everything straight with what seems like a decent budget. Based on a German comic book, KILLER CONDOM is a fairly serious hard boiled detective story, just one where the cops are chasing a rampaging rubber. The hero is an introspective upholder of the law, spouting off TAXI DRIVER-style narration about the seediness of New York City and its corrupt culture. The film also offers a frank reflection on homosexuality in society (and perhaps a metaphor for the AIDS epidemic), as the main character deals with his public and private identity, coming to terms with what it means to feel love for the first time.
Did I mention this is a movie about sentient sexual protection that bites off penises?
After four johnsons are dismembered in one night at the Hotel Quickie (bet you can't guess what goes on there…), ace detective Luigi Macaroni is sent in to find the culprit. Despite having the most stereotypical Italian name since Chef Boyardee, Macaroni is actually a Sicilian cop living in New York City that only speaks German. Since the film was made in Germany, technically everyone speaks German, which is awesome because it's probably the most entertaining language to hear people angrily yell about wieners. Anyways, Macaroni goes to the hotel to investigate but instead picks up a young gigolo named Billy. The two go to a room and are about to hook up (providing a magical moment where the shadow of our hero's gigantic phallus covers the entire face of his transfixed lover), but then Killer Condom shows up and chomps off one of the detective's testicles.
As it's revealed that Macaroni comes from an "ancient Sicilian family" who always seek vengeance whenever someone partially castrates them, the police officer becomes obsessed with tracking down the condom culprit. None of his fellow cops believe him, until he comes up with an ingenious plan to pretend a gas tank hose is his penis, so when the condom latches on he can blow it up. Unfortunately, Macaroni quickly learns that there is more than one angry rubber on the loose. One prophylactic attacks a lady in Central Park with an regrettably phallic nose. Another—in a JAWS homage using a rubber duckie—goes after a conservative Presidential candidate as he gets busy with his mistress in a hotel bathtub (minutes after giving a speech about protecting the country's moral center).
Eventually Macaroni stumbles upon the source of the killer jimmy hats— [SPOILERS] a crazy scientist lady who is preparing for the second coming of Christ by ridding the world of sexual degenerates. Before she can kill our beloved protagonist with the Mega Killer Condom she made specifically for his giant-sized dong, Macaroni preaches a sermon about equality and freedom that's so powerful ("There aren't any condoms in heaven, doctor.") that he actually changes the villain's entire mindset, forcing her to throw herself in to a lake of flesh (flute) eating contraceptives.
KILLER CONDOM is not your average B-movie, but if you're looking for something a bit different, it definitely is awfully good. (If not, might I suggest ONE EYED MONSTER, a slasher film where porn legend Ron Jeremy's detached alien penis goes on a murder spree.)
You can find the most ridiculous lines in the screenshots above. But here's some of the angry police captain and a "sinful Babel penis."
Obviously the best Killer Condom moments. (Bonus: Penis shadow puppets!) (NSFW)
Since most of the characters in this movie are gay, expect lots and lots of "firm male ass."
Take a shot or drink every time:
- Someone gets their penis bitten off
- There's a condom POV shot
- Macaroni mentions Sicily or the fact that he's Sicilian
- There's gratuitous male ass
- Someone says a funny German word
- The stereotypically angry police captain yells
- PSYCHO is reenacted
Thanks to Eric for suggesting this week's movie!