Awfully Good: Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas
'Tis the season…
Kirk Cameron's Saving Christmas (2014)
Director: Darren Doane
Stars: Kirk Cameron, Darren Doane, Kirk Cameron's Sister
Kirk Cameron wants you to believe everything he believes about the holidays. Otherwise, you can go to hell.
SAVING CHRISTMAS is so bad I doubt it even qualifies as a movie. It's more like an infomercial for Kirk Cameron where Kirk Cameron shoves Kirk Cameron's views down the audience's collective esophagi, filmed entirely in what I can only assume is Kirk Cameron's own house.
"I wonder why that DiCaprio kid doesn't return my calls anymore…"
Every second of this pandering, close-minded movie is painful. Not just for the subject matter or the message, but for how its all presented. When you break down SAVING CHRISTMAS you're left with 45 minutes of actual movie flanked by an introductory rant/sermon, a wholly unnecessary hip hop dance sequence, another sermon, and 10 minutes of unfunny outtakes. That's it. Even people who agree with Kirk Cameron's views shouldn't waste their money on this.
SAVING CHRISTMAS opens with Cameron sipping hot chocolate and smugly talking to the camera about how much he loves Christmas and how evil people are trying to suppress it. ("What are they going to tell us next—that hot chocolate is bad for us because the druids invented it?) Then, to escalate the pain to another level, the credits roll against a ska version of "Silent Night."
Set Decorator: "Put anything remotely Christmas-related in the shot. I don't care if it looks good!"
The main plot concerns Kirk Cameron trying to convince his Scrooge of a brother-in-law (named Christian…get it?!) to understand that the true meaning of Christmas is all around him. Cameron heavy-handedly paints Christian as a villain, saying he "sees perverted symbols" when he looks at candy canes and suggests that he engages in "elf worship." (I don't know what that is, but if it involves Evangeline Lily's character in THE HOBBIT, count me in.) However, it's apparent that the poor guy clearly has serious emotional issues. Christian leaves their holiday party to go sit alone in his car outside and has a multi-minute nervous breakdown about struggling with the holidays. Of course the former GROWING PAINS star listens to his bro's problems and helps him cope with his obvious depression. Just kidding! Cameron sits there silently judging him before finally blurting out, "You're all wrong!" Then he preaches at him/you for the next half hour.
Since no one is willing to hug Kirk Cameron, sometimes he has to pretend.
Cameron tackles a variety of topics in his long-winded yuletide rants and the worst part is that he's such a bad actor he can't even convincingly play himself while doing so. Here are some of the subjects he will enlighten you on:
- The Nativity: Do you feel joy and comfort when you see the traditional manger scene? Too bad; it actually is supposed to be symbolic of a baby funeral. This is a real line in this holiday movie: "You need to think of soldiers moving through the streets, finding babies and murdering them."
- Christmas Trees: Did you know the Garden of Eden was God's own private Christmas tree lot? And the cross is like a tree, so imagine that Jesus was crucified on the decorated spruce in your living room.
- Santa Claus: He sees you when you're sleeping and knows when you're awake. He punishes the bad and rewards the good. Santa IS Jesus! Cameron also tells the totally historically accurate story of the real St. Nicholas, who was a bishop that defended Jesus by beating up disbelievers. In the middle of his tale, Cameron says, "I want you to imagine this a little more… LORD OF THE RINGS-y." And then it cuts to an overdramatic reenactment set to dubstep music. I am not kidding about any of this.
Santa Claus may be great at presents, but he's terrible at sign language.
And with that, Christian somehow learns the true meaning of Christmas, goes back to the party to apologize to everyone, and then shows his new change of heart by…diving headfirst in to the Christmas presents in slow motion. He also leads everyone in a hip hop dance version of "Angels We Have Heard On High." It's exactly as horrifying as you imagine, especially since it involves a bunch of uncoordinated white people dancing. And not just any white people, but white people who hang out with Kirk Cameron. (And don't get me started on the racist treatment of the film's token black guy DeAndre.)
Someone's excited for a Kirk Cameron spanking!
The only salvation in this cinematic lake of hellfire is that it's mercifully short. Not long enough for your major organs to shut down, but still a length appropriate to make you question your decisions in life. Even if you're a devout Christian who believes there is a war on Christmas, there is still nothing for you to get out of this sin against humanity. Unless you have a Mike Seaver fetish.
These are things that are really said in this movie.
The climactic ending where the Scrooge discovers the true meaning of Christmas. And by that I mean he slides headfirst in to presents and then throws a hip hop dance party for Jesus. YOU CANNOT UNSEE THIS.
What's the opposite of "nudity?" That's what this movie has.
Take a shot or drink every time:
- Kirk Cameron looks smug
- Kirk Cameron mentions hot chocolate
- Kirk Cameron talks about baby murder
- Kirk Cameron calls someone "bro"
- The movie is racist
Double shot if:
- Elf Worship!
Thanks to Scott and Nate for suggesting this week's movie!
|Extra Tidbit:||This movie currently sits at #4 on IMDB's Bottom 100 Movies list.|