Awfully Good: Sharktopus

March 30th 2011, 7:35am

Sharktopus (2010)

Director: Declan O’Brien
Stars: Eric Roberts, Kerem Bursin, Sara Lane

Is there a plot?

A genetically modified creature created by the government breaks free and does what genetically modified creatures created by the government do—kills teenagers on beaches.

What’s the damage?

SHARKTOPUS laughs in the face of MEGA SHARK and scoffs at GIANT OCTOPUS! Okay, maybe not…it sort of just stands next to them.

I’ll take “Things Eric Roberts says when he takes off his pants” for $100, Alex.

SHARKTOPUS is tailor-made for this column and really should be the culmination of the all the bad Sci-Fi (I refuse to refer to it as “SyFy”) Channel original movies we’ve been subjected to throughout the years. You know, Awfully Good favorites like LAKE PLACID 2 and 3, SHARKS IN VENICE, MEGAFAULT, and ANACONDA 3. With probably the most ridiculous concept/title yet and the inclusion of producer and B-movie king Roger Corman (the only man who could truly do justice to this subject matter) you’d think this would be the bad movie to end all bad movies. However, for better or worse, it’s pretty much the same as the rest.

Seriously, are there any three words in the English language more comforting than this? (Unless you’re Julia Roberts.)

It’s hard to critique a film like this, because it delivers exactly what it promises: a killer half-shark, half-octopus creature. That’s it. Everything else is pretty average—dumb script, crappy acting and a miniscule budget. It tends to hit the same note over and over again for the majority of its running time (our heroes chase Sharktopus as it kills random people), but overall it manages to maintain a fun, carefree vibe amongst the insanity. Thankfully it doesn’t take itself seriously at all and doesn’t waste any time getting to the title character. You get a pretty clear view of Sharktopus in the first 3 minutes and it doesn’t disappoint. The character design is silly and the CGI that brings it to life is expectedly horrible (though compared to some other Sci-Fi movies it isn’t that bad). While the execution is spotty, the conception is great. Having been made smarter and more aggressive (ala DEEP BLUE SEA), Sharktopus is a vicious and spiteful creature. It holds grudges, slits throats, and murders people for fun, not to mention it seems to only go after nice 5-star resorts and target rich white people having a good time. It’s also able to “walk” on land using its tentacles, which doesn’t make sense in the best possible way.

Hey, we have something in common after all!

Even though it can barely support one storyline, the film still attempts to balance multiple subplots, including the scientists/mercenaries on the chase, an intrepid reporter and her Mexican sidekick tracking down the creature, a pirate radio DJ with a hot assistant, and other asinine characters that only add filler in between inky shark attacks. The only notable performance worth mentioning (aside from a quick shoutout to the guy who played Santos, potentially one of the worst actors ever) is none other than Eric Roberts as the villainous Dr. Sands. Roberts took what little mainstream goodwill he gained from THE DARK KNIGHT and THE EXPENDABLES and uses it to be a-hole to a CG sea creature for 90 minutes. Although he does spend most of his screentime sitting in a posh yacht talking on the phone. Not a bad gig at all.

And then, to be sure its prey were properly humiliated before being eaten, Sharktopus would mate with their seafaring vessel.

SHARKTOPUS ended up being fun and as a fan of B-movies I enjoyed watching it. But if you were expecting something epic or special given the title, hype and inclusion of Roger Corman, you might be a tad disappointed in its average execution.

A shoutout in next week’s column to the commenter below who comes up with the best definition of how to play Tequila Ball!