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Awfully Good: Spy Kids 4D: All the Time in the World

06.03.2015

In searching for the worst spy movies, I was tempted to cover SPY KIDS 3D: GAME OVER this week solely because of Sylvester Stallone's amazing performance, but that movie looks like THE GODFATHER compared to…

Spy Kids 4D: All the Time in the World (2011)

Director: Robert Rodriguez
Stars: Jessica Alba, Joel McHale, Jeremy Piven

 

A retired spy mom must protect her spy kids from a former spy-turned-villain while evading her spy hunter husband before time literally runs out. Spy.

There's the Robert Rodriguez that made DESPERADO, SIN CITY and PLANET TERROR… and then there's the Robert Rodriguez that made SPY KIDS, SHORTS and SHARKBOY AND LAVAGIRL.  As strangely lopsided as that track record may be, it’s hard to fault Rodriqguez for wanting to make movies for his kids, or even with his kids, as they’ve often been the ones coming up with these stories. At the end of the day I can accept that these are not films for me (though I did appreciate all the Harryhausen influences of SPY KIDS 2).


Seth Rogen's Preacher TV show took some creative license with the character of Assface. 

That being said, holy hell, SPY KIDS: ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD is god-awful, next-level garbage. I don't understand how Robert Rodriguez isn't still cowering in a corner in embarrassment over this. This sequel/reboot is so bad it's bordering on being a parody of itself, filled with wisecracking robot dogs, juvenile jokes (there's a literal "butthead" visual gag), and an almost unending supply of bathroom humor. Trust me, I’m all for a well-placed fart joke, but here there are "butt bombs" and pee traps, a baby that constantly sharts, kids using bags full of barf as aerial weapons, and diaper bombs (somehow different from "butt bombs") that explode human excrement on bad guys. That's horrifying enough, until you remember that Rodriguez presented this movie in 4D “Aromascope,” which forced audiences to smell everything that was happening. This just went from a bad kids movie to a full-on human rights violation. 


No one ever leaves a Smurf orgy without a least a little regret.

And let it be official: SPY KIDS 4 marks the end of Jessica Alba as a sex symbol. In the film, Alba plays a secret agent moonlighting as an interior decorator trying to juggle a new baby with her new step kids. I don’t know if I can look at Nancy the same way in SIN CITY after seeing Alba chase down bad guys while going in to labor or saying the line "She made two poopies today!" And I definitely will have a hard time taking Alba serious as an actress after watching her spout off a bad one-liner as she slowly puts little sunglasses on the infant strapped to her chest. Dammit, Rodriguez…

 
I use this spoon to eat…

 
…The Soup.

Community's Joel McHale plays the children’s father and Alba's new husband—perhaps one of the most ludicrous characters ever. McHale works as a wannabe reality star trying to film a show called Spy Hunter, where he tracks down and exposes spies on live TV… all the while not knowing he's married to one! I shit you not, at one point in the movie, McHale pulls out a device called a Spy Tracker that uses GPS to point him in the direction of nearby undercover operatives. This really happens and is the plot device used to expose Alba as a spy. That's how lazy this movie is. 

 
This frame represents the entirety of Danny Trejo's role in this film.

Original spy kids Alexa Vega and Daryl Sabara return to help train the newbies and showcase clips from the original trilogy. (Danny Trejo returns as well for literally one random shot of the movie.) There's also ENTOURAGE star Jeremy Piven playing double duty as the squeaky-voiced villain Tick Tock and the head of the main spy organization. (Gee, I wonder if that's a coincidence…) However, you'll be most excited to know that British comic Ricky Gervais provides the voice of Argonaut the robotic dog. Yes, David Brent plays a robot dog who farts when you pull his paw and shits explosives when you pull his tail. Gervais is clearly adlibbing most of his dialogue, which can lead to the occasional funny bit of sarcasm, but is still mostly painful. (Such as the dog beating up bad guys and then quipping, "Someone put that on YouTube!")

 
Ironically, the Timekeeper didn't have time to make a better costume.

I'm hesitant to even touch on the overall plot because it's so nonsensical, but basically there's a villain that wears a clock on his head who is speeding up time in order to teach the world a valuable lesson about taking every moment for granted. (You can imagine the heavy-handed message about family and togetherness that results.) But basically this is a movie where the hero continually brings her infant daughter on dangerous missions and straps her to her chest like an adorable human shield. Keep your kids far away.

 
According to federal law, every copy of the Blu-Ray comes with this.

Bad one-liners and the best from Ricky Gervais' robot dog.

From butt bombs to baby fu, a collection of the most amazingly bad action scenes.

None. Though it's a little disturbing how much Alexa Vega has grown up.


Hate children? Buy this movie here!

Take a shot or drink every time:
  • A time-related pun is made
  • A kid pulls a prank
  • A baby farts
  • Ricky Gervais makes a dog joke
  • Scatological humor is employed
Double shot if:
  • Someone solves an anagram

Thanks to Kevin and MK for suggesting this week's movie!

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email or follow him on Twitter and give him an excuse to drink.

Extra Tidbit: I once got food poisoning from Robert Rodriguez’s taco truck at Comic Con. And that was still a more pleasant experience than this movie.
Source: JoBlo.com

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