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Awfully Good: The Brothers Grimsby

7 days ago

Let's kick off the new year by looking back at one of the worst movies of 2016. Also, Donald Trump's Presidential Inauguration is next week, so it seems fitting to feature a film where he gets AIDS.

 

The Brothers Grimsby (2016)

 

Director: Sam Firstenberg
Stars: Sacha Baron Cohen, Mark Strong, Mark Strong's Fleeting Dignity

British comedian Sacha Baron Cohen discovers some horrible blackmail on respected actor Mark Strong and uses it to destroy his career.

It's hard to accurately describe THE BROTHERS GRIMSBY. It's not great film; a tired spy parody with a plot that's essentially the same as the much superior KINGSMEN (also starring Mark Strong). But on another level, it feels like Sacha Baron Cohen’s FREDDY GOT FINGERED—and I mean that in the best way possible. It’s constantly outrageous and disgusting and goes above and beyond the boundaries of good taste just for the sake of a cheap laugh. There are seriously things in this movie that make the nude fight scene from BORAT seem tame by comparison. One in particular, a graphic sequence involving an elephant penis (just like FREDDY), is probably one of the worst things I've ever seen on film. You may think, "Oh I can see where this is going." No, you cannot. And you cannot unsee where it has gone.


Not everyone liked the movie RACING STRIPES.

It's not easy to shock and surprise audiences nowadays, but Cohen is more than up to the challenge. Perhaps a bit too much, as there are definitely parts of THE BROTHERS GRIMSBY where you will find yourself asking "What in God's name am I watching?" and later "What am I even doing with my life?" The British comedian is fearless in GRIMSBY, constantly putting things up his ass or having male and female private parts shoved in his face, both in ways that no stuntman could replicate. And that's just the tipping point. Here are a few examples of what Cohen has in store:


Daniel Radcliffe was willing to play a farting corpse in SWISS ARMY MAN, but not cameo in this movie. Understandable.

  • He shares a passionate sex scene with Rebel Wilson set to R. Kelly's "Bump n' Grind" that is revealed post-climax to have taken place entirely in a mattress store.
  • He accidentally shoots a wheelchair-bound kid whose AIDS-tainted blood flies in to HARRY POTTER star Daniel Radcliffe's open mouth, giving him HIV. Later, he accidentally shoots Radcliffe, this time transferring his blood in to Donald Trump's mouth, giving the President-Elect AIDS.
  • He and his family later use the handicapped kid as a weapon, tossing him and his wheelchair off the top of a stadium in order to stop a hitman.
  • He pretends to jerk off a cardboard cutout of an impoverished African child.
  • He attacks a man in a spa and in the course of their fight, has his face dipped in hot wax and immediately attached to the man's crotch, ripping it off to give himself a pubic hair goatee.
  • There's a Three's Company-style mix up where a beautiful woman shows up to seduce Cohen, but he thinks she's there to unclog the toilet. Many scatological misunderstandings ensue.
  • He says the line "Get off him! A man can only take so much jizz!" in completely serious fashion.
  • MI-6 activates Cohen's spy glasses, just in time to get video of a close up of PRECIOUS star Gabourey Sidibe's vagina as the spy performs oral sex on her.


A successful Tuesday!

There's a surprisingly decent supporting cast that joins Cohen, including Ian McShane, Isla Fisher and Penelope Cruz, but everyone is completely wasted, spending their entire screentime looking at monitors or talking on the phone. And then there's Mark Strong—poor Mark Strong—who's subjected to the absolute worst, most embarrassing stuff in GRIMSBY as Cohen's super spy brother. I have no idea what the respected British actor was thinking when he agreed to do this movie. I imagine Strong reading the script and getting to his line, "You can suck my scrotum or you can let me die. SUCK MY BALLS!" and calling his agent and saying "Yes, sign me up!" Or calling the authorities and agreeing to do the movie in exchange for Cohen releasing his family unharmed.


When you know you're going to be a target for critics.

If you're curious about the context of that line, Strong gets shot in the junk with a poison dart. He has 40 seconds to get the toxin out before he dies, so he whips out his balls, grabs his brother's head and forces him to suck them. When that's not effective enough, he pushes Cohen down on the ground and essentially teabags him so that gravity can do the work. He may or may not also have to say the line, "It was a trickle of pre-ejaculate at most. Grow up."


Sacha's ACE VENTURA: WHEN NATURE CALLS cosplay was on point.

Still don't feel bad for Mark Strong? Alright, let me spoil the big elephant scene for you so you can truly understand his pain. Strong and Cohen climb inside an elephant vagina in order to hide from some bad guys. (Don't ask.) The plan works, but not before a bunch of horny male elephants begin to have sex with the female elephant with the men still inside. In order to get it to stop, Olivier Award-winner Mark Strong has to stroke the elephant dong to completion. Let me put this in layman's terms: Mark Strong has to rub a giant fake elephant penis while inside a giant fake elephant vagina until it sprays gallons and gallons of fake elephant semen all over his face and body. Mark Strong, why are you in this movie?!


TLC really isn't The Learning Channel anymore, is it?

Okay, surely that one crazy scene is it and Mark Strong gets to spend the rest of the film playing a cool, suave spy, right? Nope! The final climactic scene, a touching moment where the two brothers finally reunite as a family, involves the pair emotionally connecting while being rectally penetrated. You see, there are two rockets filled with poisonous gas about to be launched and Mark Strong and Sacha Baron Cohen decide the best solution is for the two of them to sit on the rockets with the tips shoved up their asses so their anuses can absorb the poison. This actually happens and director Louis Leterrier shoots it with the visual style of any climactic action moment—spinning the camera around the two men, underwear pulled down around their ankles, holding hands while they use an active missile as a butt plug.


Considering everything they'd been through, the wrap party for this movie was a somber affair.

Mark Strong, if you or your family are not safe or in need of assistance, my email is at the bottom of this article. Please reach out and let me know that you're okay.

People were paid to say these things.

a.k.a. the Worst of Mark Strong.

It's not pleasant.


Better than BRUNO! Buy this movie here!

Take a shot or drink every time:

  • Mark Strong must be embarrassed
  • Sacha Baron Cohen's butt is exposed
  • A Grimsby brother is penetrated rectally
  • There's a POV action scene

Double shot if:

  • One of Sacha Baron Cohen's kids drops something

Thanks to Rich for suggesting this week's movie!

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email or follow him on Twitter and give him an excuse to drink.

CLICK IMAGE TO OPEN GALLERY & SEE MORE PICS...

Extra Tidbit: According Cohen, the special effects department created 14 tons of sperm for the movie.
Source: JoBlo.com

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2:41PM on 01/11/2017
I thoroughly enjoyed this movie, and was shocked when I saw it turning up on "worst of" lists. I"d assumed it had bombed when it was released in the US, for many reasons (Cohen's not much of a draw these days, it felt a little too British to have broad appeal over here, to name two), but I'd figured the people who saw it enjoyed it.

It might be nice to see Cohen stretch himself, though, as I don' t see how much farther he can go down this path.
I thoroughly enjoyed this movie, and was shocked when I saw it turning up on "worst of" lists. I"d assumed it had bombed when it was released in the US, for many reasons (Cohen's not much of a draw these days, it felt a little too British to have broad appeal over here, to name two), but I'd figured the people who saw it enjoyed it.

It might be nice to see Cohen stretch himself, though, as I don' t see how much farther he can go down this path.
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1:36PM on 01/11/2017
Love this movie. Probably the hardest I've laughed in the theater in years. Everyone I've recommended this movie to has told me they thought it would be stupid but laughed their asses off over and over again. I think this has the juice to become a cult comedy classic in the near future. It's too over the top, ridiculous and disgusting to be forgotten.
Love this movie. Probably the hardest I've laughed in the theater in years. Everyone I've recommended this movie to has told me they thought it would be stupid but laughed their asses off over and over again. I think this has the juice to become a cult comedy classic in the near future. It's too over the top, ridiculous and disgusting to be forgotten.
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1:33PM on 01/11/2017
This isnt a good movie, but god damn did I laugh in a few parts.
-Trump gets aids
- The running wheel chair being thrown off the balcony.
This isnt a good movie, but god damn did I laugh in a few parts.
-Trump gets aids
- The running wheel chair being thrown off the balcony.
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1:43PM on 01/11/2017
That makes no sense. If you laughed, then it IS a good comedy.
That makes no sense. If you laughed, then it IS a good comedy.
12:15PM on 01/11/2017
It's definitely raunchy, but it's also one of the funnier raunchier films to come out last year as well; much better than something like Dirty Grandpa, Bad Santa 2, or Sausage Party in my opinion. And I thought it was much better than Cohen's last film Bruno.
It's definitely raunchy, but it's also one of the funnier raunchier films to come out last year as well; much better than something like Dirty Grandpa, Bad Santa 2, or Sausage Party in my opinion. And I thought it was much better than Cohen's last film Bruno.
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1:39PM on 01/11/2017
His last film was THE DICTATOR.
His last film was THE DICTATOR.
11:54AM on 01/11/2017

This was where I lost all faith in Cohen

A few years ago I would have told you he was one of the funniest people in the world, but with his films steadily declining in quality this was the nadir. Poorley paced, and just a series of gross out shock value scenes. I'm fine with both of those but that's all this movie is. It's so far from anything even remotley clever and really just hard to sit through.

The only times Cohen lived up to his previouse heights were the opening five minutes and when Trump got AIDS, something that was
A few years ago I would have told you he was one of the funniest people in the world, but with his films steadily declining in quality this was the nadir. Poorley paced, and just a series of gross out shock value scenes. I'm fine with both of those but that's all this movie is. It's so far from anything even remotley clever and really just hard to sit through.

The only times Cohen lived up to his previouse heights were the opening five minutes and when Trump got AIDS, something that was legitimatley Cohen at his best.
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11:10AM on 01/11/2017
It's a raunchy comedy that works. I laughed my a** off the entire movie. It's not a great or even good movie by any mean. It's just an action / raunchy comedy that somehow works. And miraculously Mark Strong was the star in it. I do wonder what made him decided to be in this movie but he gave a performance of his lifetime here.
It's a raunchy comedy that works. I laughed my a** off the entire movie. It's not a great or even good movie by any mean. It's just an action / raunchy comedy that somehow works. And miraculously Mark Strong was the star in it. I do wonder what made him decided to be in this movie but he gave a performance of his lifetime here.
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1:38PM on 01/11/2017
1) That makes no sense. If you laughed your ass off, then it IS a good comedy.
2) Mark has been in R-rated comedies before, like KINGSMAN and KICK-ASS.
1) That makes no sense. If you laughed your ass off, then it IS a good comedy.
2) Mark has been in R-rated comedies before, like KINGSMAN and KICK-ASS.
10:20AM on 01/11/2017

Terrible movie

But I would be lying if I said I didn't laugh my ass off many times during it
But I would be lying if I said I didn't laugh my ass off many times during it
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1:36PM on 01/11/2017
That makes no sense. If you laughed, then it can't be a terrible comedy.
That makes no sense. If you laughed, then it can't be a terrible comedy.
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