Awfully Good: The Oogieloves
The Oogieloves in the Big Balloon Adventure (2012)
The Teletubbies have sex with Pee Wee's Playhouse and then go on a bad acid trip.
I know it's not really fair for a discerning adult to cast judgment upon a film that's made purely for kids, but THE OOGIELOVES exists in its own dimension. A strange land where the rules of humanity and the laws of reason are continually set on fire and thrown out a window. This movie is so soul-achingly weird and awful that it's mesmerizing—like a kiddie version of THE ROOM. Never before has a film been so genetically built for drug use, with its bright colors, offbeat characters, bizarre humor and complete randomness. Just, for the love of God, do not let any impressionable young people near this thing. It's celluloid child abuse.
THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!
In case you're one of the 7 billion humans who've never heard of THE OOGIELOVES franchise, it's because there isn't one. No big following, no clamoring child fans—they were literally made up for this movie. And who should we blame for THE OOGIELOVES? That would be Kenn Viselman, the man who brought the Teletubbies and Thomas the Tank Engine to the United States. He literally came up with the idea when he paid to see MADEA GOES TO JAIL in theaters (Warning Sign #1…) and was amazed at how the primarily, um, urban audience enjoyed talking back to the characters onscreen. Thinking this would be a fun experience for kids, Viselman spent the next 3 years attempting to patent his interactive "yelling at the movie" idea and fellating the Devil in exchange for a $20 million production budget and some actual Hollywood stars. All that perceived audience participation is particularly ironic considering that THE OOGIELOVES is one of the biggest box office bombs ever, barely making $100,000 in 2000+ theaters during its opening weekend. That equates to about 2 people per showing, or one poor parent and one disappointed, scarred child.
THAT'S WHAT SHE... oh.
Okay, enough with the history lesson—just what the hell is an Oogielove? Best I can tell, apart from sounding like some weird sexual fetish, the Oogieloves are a trio of mildly retarded mutant kids who live in a tree. Goobie is the nerd of the group, Zoozie can talk to animals, and Toofie is "all about having fun," which means he has a fauxhawk and his pants fall down constantly. With their expressionless faces and oversized, poorly made costumes, the Oogieloves look just human enough to be completely terrifying. In their treehouse, the "kids" live with a window named Windy, a talking vacuum cleaner named J. Edgar (Get it? GET IT??) and a goldfish named Ruffy who's always grumpy—probably because nobody ever put water in his bowl. If this set up makes zero sense to you, you can once again thank Mr. Viselman, who completely ripped off the characters from a lesser known TV show called "My Bedbugs" that taught children about cleaning up before bedtime. In that program it makes sense to have characters that are a vacuum cleaner and a pillow. In this movie, not so much.
Doc Brown was just biding his time until he could find the Delorean, go back and kills his agent.
The plot revolves around the Oogieloves trying to throw a surprise birthday party for their pillow Schluufy, the world's only anthropomorphic bedding with Down's Syndrome. But when the wind blows their magic golden balloons away, the gang must utilize their "homemade GPS-enabled walkie talkies" to go find them. This is all an excuse for the kids to meet the most random group of singing and dancing B-list celebrities imaginable, whose only connection to this project seems to be their ability to be blackmailed:
- Cloris Leachman as a grandmother who loves polka dots and has orgasms when things are in circles.
- Chaz Palminteri as the racist-sounding Milky Marvin who runs a milkshake restaurant and is married to a cow.
- Toni Braxton as a famous singer who sneezes a lot and spreads bacteria.
- Jaime Pressley and Christopher Lloyd as Lola and Lero Sombrero, a Spanish couple who live in a giant flying Mexican hat that's powered by dancing. (Lloyd doesn't speak; he just plays the bongos and dances like an Egyptian.)
- And saving the most amazing for last: Cary Elwes as Bobby Wobbly, a cowboy who's obsessed with bubbles and walks likes he just got out of a drunken prison rape. There are no words to describe the degree to which THE PRINCESS BRIDE star overacts, suffice to say that his performance here deserves a lifetime achievement Razzie. Also, his pet bird is lactose intolerant and gassy.
Now please enjoy these .gifs as a taste of the glory that is Bobby Wobbly:
In case you couldn't tell THE OOGIELOVES might be the most manic and random kids' movie of all time, something that will give a child with ADHD nightmares. "Our balloon is lost! His pants are falling down! It's time to sing a song about pancakes!" You might as well call it WTF: THE MOVIE. And the songs—oh God, the songs. They're all horribly written, sloppily thrown together and make no sense. One tells kids to rub their tummies and stick their fingers in their ear; another teaches them to drink gallon-sized milkshakes without fear of brain freeze; and then Toni Braxton a sings a sexy R&B ballad about getting the flu.
I don't want to promote heavy drug use, but with the characters constantly talking to you and asking you to interact, the random turtles and butterflies walking across the screen, and other nonsensical madness, THE OOGIELOVES is just begging for it. But whether you get super baked or not, if you need a laughable dose of "What the hell did I just watch?" in your life, this will be the funniest, scariest and most amazing thing you see for a while.
That part of the movie where the talking balloons declare "The only thing stronger than wind is love!" and then demand that you blow them kisses.
1) If you watch one video on the Internet today, please let it be this life-changing introduction in to the world of Cary Elwes' bubbly Bobby Wobbly.
Take a shot or drink every time:
- Just never stop