Awfully Good: The Ridiculous 6
Let's kick off 2016 with easily one of the worst movies of last year…
The Ridiculous 6 (2015)
Director: Frank Coraci
Stars: Adam Sandler, Sad Friends of Adam Sandler
Adam Sandler must track down his five humorously improbable half-brothers to help rescue their kidnapped father.
I don't think anyone was expecting THE RIDICULOUS 6 to be good, but nobody could've predicted something this bad. Any notion that the studios were somehow hampering Adam Sandler's creative vision with his decade-long run of cinematic atrocities can now be laid to rest, since Netflix gave the
funnyman free reign with this baffling passion project and we still ended up with something on par with JACK AND JILL.
This is the sound of millions of TWILIGHT fans' ovaries shriveling up.
A lot was made during production about Native American extras taking offense at the script, and while there are still elements of that controversy (Indian women are referred to as "prairie meat" and "Poca-hot-tits" within the first couple minutes), it's a very minor part of the story. Especially in comparison to the most offensive part of RIDICULOUS 6—the sheer laziness of everyone involved. To call this lowest common denominator entertainment is being generous. It's like writers Sandler and Tim Herlihy sat down and just went with their first idea for every scene without giving it any further time or thought:
"Hmmm, we need a recurring gag."
"How about a donkey that constantly has CGI explosive diarrhea?"
This is SNL star Chris Parnell being shat upon by a donkey.
"Okay, now the characters need a distraction during the robbery scene."
"What if the donkey—"
"The one with unending liquid shits?"
"Yes, that one. What if that donkey gave oral sex to a mentally challenged boy?"
"So it is written."
This is Rob Schneider riding a donkey who is orally pleasuring Taylor Lautner.
As for everything else—well, it's not often I can relate how terrible a film is simply by describing the characters, but that's all I need for RIDICULOUS 6. Take a look at what you're working with here:
Adam Sandler as White Knife: A Caucasian man raised by Native Americans, which somehow imbues him with superpowers like super speed and the ability to…hide inside a tumbleweed? (Again, that's the best the writers could come up with.)
Rob Schneider as Ramon: Sandler's Mexican half brother who travels with Burro, his trusted donkey with explosive diarrhea. Because he's Hispanic, Ramon is constantly talking about how much he loves tacos.
This is Terry Crews playing the piano with his penis.
Terry Crews as Chico: Sandler's black half-brother who's sole purpose in the film is playing the piano with his penis.
Taylor Lautner as Lil Pete: Sandler's mentally retarded half-brother who is solely defined by his stupidity, three nipples, and penchant for having sex with cantaloupes. I can't believe this is something that is real.
This is Lost star Jorge Garcia exposing himself to Steve Buscemi.
Jorge Garcia as Herm: Sandler's mute half-brother who can only communicate through grunts and hand signals due to being born with severe fetal alcohol syndrome. Hilarious!
Luke Wilson as Danny: Sandler's white half-brother who was the Secret Service agent that let Abraham Lincoln get assassinated because he had to take a dump.
Nick Nolte and Harvey Keitel as WHAT ARE THEY DOING IN THIS MOVIE?!: Seriously, what are Nick Nolte and Harvey Keitel doing in this movie?
This is Harvey Keitel's disembodied head, representative of his dignity after appearing in this film.
Danny Trejo, Will Forte, Steve Zahn, and Nick Swardson as Various Bad Guys: The only one that stands out is Steve Zahn because he has a lazy eye and somehow gets stabbed with a carrot. (Note: It should be a federal offense to waste Will Forte.)
Steve Buscemi as Doc Griffin: A doctor who gives Jorge Garcia a tugjob, then wipes his hand on Rob Schneider's face. He also sticks his hand up the donkey's ass before putting it inside Taylor Lautner's mouth. (I'd like to see whatever blackmail Sandler must have on Buscemi.)
This is Emmy-nominee Steve Buscemi putting his entire hand inside a donkey.
John Turturro as Abner Doubleday: The inventor of baseball who forces the Ridiculous 6 to play the first ever game of baseball against his team of Asian indentured servants.
Various SNL Alum in Embarrassing Cameos: Chris Parnell plays a guy who gets shit on by a donkey. David Spade plays General Custer. Chris Kattan plays John Wilkes Booth. And Jon Lovitz plays Jon Lovitz.
This is beloved funnyman Norm MacDonald asking two prostitutes to punch him in the face.
Vanilla Ice as Mark Twain: Rapper Robert Van Winkle plays the famed author but speaks in his normal voice using modern slang. It's "hilarious."
This is David Spade and Vanilla Ice as two historical figures currently drilling through their graves.
I honestly don't understand how the people that made BILLY MADISON and HAPPY GILMORE have gotten to this point. And Sandler still has three movies left on his contract with Netflix. Pray for us all.
Will Patch: What are you gonna do about it, beaver breath?
Beaver Breath: How he know my name?
Vanilla Ice as Mark Twain: Make it rain like Twain!
Ramon: Do you have any special skills that could help us out here tonight?
Chico: Like what?
Ramon: Tommy's good with knives. Lil' Pete's got a bonus nipple. I got a burro. And Herm is good at strangling.
Danny: I can hold my breath for six minutes.
Chico: I can play the piano with my dick.
Tommy: Well, we're unstoppable then.
- Rob Schneider's burro has a giant projectile bowel movement all over poor Chris Parnell.
- The same donkey goes down on the wolf from TWILIGHT.
- Taylor Lautner and Oscar-nominee Nick Nolte discuss how they like to play with their third nipples.
- A character gets decapitated and his headless body continues walking around and firing both pistols for another minute.
- Adam Sandler hides inside a rolling CGI tumbleweed.
- Vanilla Ice dances to old timey piano music as Mark Twain.
- Norm MacDonald's literal one-second cameo.
Jorge Garcia goes topless.
Take a shot or drink every time:
- Something offensive happens
- Adam Sandler does something supernatural
- Adam Sandler discovers he has a brother
- Taylor Lautner says, "Gall dang"
- Steve Buscemi puts his hand somewhere
Double shot if:
- The donkey evacuates his bowels
|Extra Tidbit:||Worst Sandler movie? This is bad, but JACK AND JILL is still the low point for me.|