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Awfully Good: Turkish Star Wars + Ewoks: The Battle for Endor (Video)

12.16.2015

 

Turkish Star Wars (1982)

 

Director: Some Turkish Guy
Stars: Other Turkish Guys

 

A group of intergalactic heroes laugh in the face of international copyright law. 

Remember last week when I accused STARCRASH of ripping off STAR WARS? TURKISH STAR WARS (formally known as "Dünyayı Kurtaran Adam," or "The Man Who Saved The World") literally steals from A NEW HOPE, not in ideas or visual influence, but in actual footage from George Lucas' 1977 film. Entire space battle sequences featuring the Death Star, Millennium Falcon and other unmistakable icons are directly lifted from from a galaxy far, far away and shown with new narration and new actors greenscreened in…all while the freaking INDIANA JONES theme song plays. I haven't seen such brash copyright infringement since Calvin pissed on all those trucks. Also, keep in mind the copy of STAR WARS they stole was presented in the wrong aspect ratio, making the Death Star look like a ludicrous space egg. 


The Death Egg didn't destroy any planets, but it could cause a nasty case of salmonella if not handled properly.

Even though it's lovingly referred to as TURKISH STAR WARS, the movie only actually features STAR WARS in the beginning and end. (Although there is a second-act sequence in what is clearly supposed to be a rundown version of the Mos Eisley Cantina.) But that doesn't mean the "filmmakers" (I use that term loosely) do anything original with the rest of the film. They also pilfer random news and nature footage as well as clips from MST3K favorite THE MAGIC SWORD to pad out scenes. And why bother coming up with an original score when you can just steal music from INDIANA JONES, FLASH GORDON, PLANET OF THE APES and THE BLACK HOLE?


Turkish Jackie Chan finds your lack of faith disturbing. 

As a fan, it's hard to actually get offended by any of this cinematic theft, because those responsible still can't even put it to good use in any kind of intelligible plot. A galaxy far, far away becomes a tribe of on the brink of nuclear annihilation and the Death Star becomes a force field made out of sheer human will. See, you just feel sorry for them that this was the best they could do. 

 
What's more amazing than that guy's costume is the fact that his henchmen are apparently a robot and a guy exercising in the 1980s. 

But to call TURKISH STAR WARS cheap is an insult to frugality. This is amateurish on an unheard of level. Creatures made out of a trash cans and sleeping bags. Monsters wear store-bought masks, even when the mask makes no sense, such as a random devil with horns and a goatee standing next to a bunch of aliens. And the editing was clearly done by a blind and deaf person given the job out of pity. The cutting is seizure-inducing  and the lack of any sort of transition between scenes and locations leads to constant confusion. And even the sound editing is horrendous. There's one scene where the audio from a crackling fireplace is louder than the spoken dialogue. 

 
That's what he said?

The main characters are two space pilots who crash land on a random desert planet after being pulled down by an unknown force. One is a horndog who constantly talks about women and is easily seduced by any females they encounter. And the other is… some Turkish guy. Their entire rapport throughout the movie is entirely comprised of the one guy really liking the ladies and the occasional bit of accidental homoeroticism. In fact, early on the pervy pilot actually tries to catcall some female aliens, only for his whistling to accidentally attract a group of skeletons riding horses nearby. And when I say "skeletons," don't think Harryhausen stop motion skeletons. These are just guys wearing dark clothes with plastic bones glued on them.

 
At least the film's commentary on female body image was ahead of its time.

Soon these skeletons lead them to meet the villain of the film, a thousand year old magician who wears a helmet that I can only describe as a Swiss army knife of metal dildos. He uses his army of random mummies and furries to kill innocent people and use their blood to stay immortal until he can conquer Earth. Thankfully his robot boner hat is useless and our heroes escape and are taken in by a group of primitive humans. One guy instantaneously falls in love with one of their women and bonds with her young son, which the film depicts by having him creepily kiss the poor boy. And while everyone hangs out and waits for the final showdown, we're treated to more than one absolutely amazing training sequence where the men karate chop giant boulders in half, pound sand, and tie giant rocks to their legs and do parkour. It's never explained exactly why these two have super powers and nobody else does, so you'll just have accept the fact that it's entirely reasonable for a normal human being to bite a sword in half during a fight scene. 

 
I am Kanye West.

I would say 90 minutes of this nonsense is pushing it in terms of audience endurance. However, the ending battle scene is truly worth the oftentimes painful wait. It turns out this story featuring aliens, magicians, mummies, and horny dudes is actually supposed to be a moral tale about Islam. And as soon as the film is done preaching, the hero dips his hands and feet in magic gold and immediately begins killing everyone in sight—ripping off heads, kicking through henchmen and straight up slicing a guy's body in half vertically. You know, all things sorely lacking in the original STAR WARS.

A collection of the great flirty banter between the two heroes, plus some blatant homoeroticism.

The most hilarious fight sequences and training montages, a bit from the Turkish Cantina, and of course the blatant STAR WARS infringement. 

No hairy Turkish women. Sorry. 


Watch this movie here! Or buy this movie here!

Take a shot or drink every time:

  • The movie rips off another movie
  • The men talk about women 
  • A child is injured or killed
  • Someone in a mask randomly appears

Double shot if:

  • Someone mentions champagne

Hold up! Just wait one parsec there, Schmoe, we've got one more Awfully Good for you to enjoy: Ewoks: The Battle for Endor! Yep, the old made-for-tv classic(?) is peeled like an onion by host Jesse Shade. Grab a bowl of oatmeal (oh, you'll get it if you don't already) and settle in for a trip back to the Forest Moon full of warrior teddy bears.

Seen a movie that should be featured on this column? Shoot Jason an email or follow him on Twitter and give him an excuse to drink.

Source: JoBlo.com

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