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C'mon Hollywood: Board Games do not make good movies!

May. 22, 2012by: Paul Shirey

After the rather crappy box office performance of BATTLESHIP, we decided to present you with a possible scenario that led to its creation and shine the spotlight on a trend we'd like to see die a quick death...

FADE FROM BLACK.

TITLE CARD: 2011

EXT. TOYS R’ US PARKING LOT – DAY

A bus comes to a stop in front of a run of the mill TOYS R’ US store. Nothing significant about it. The bus door opens and a group of people in SUITS shuffle out, led by DICKY MACK, Hollywood Studio Exec extraordinaire.

DICKEY: So, listen up, kids. We’re going to go inside the store here and I’m going to show you where ideas are simply waiting on f*cking shelves for you. Every step you take is a Hollywood landmine ready to explode onto the big screen. You just have to pay-the-f*ck-attention. Take notes. Each of you owes me a script on something you see here today by the end of the motherf*cking week!

CUT TO:

INT. TOYS R’ US - DAY

The SUITS stand nervously, some holding notepads, others taking photos with their smartphones. DICKEY stands before them, facing the boardgame aisle of the store. He opens his arms wide, eyes closed, taking in a deep breath and exhaling with a big, toothy grin on his face.

DICKEY: You smell that? That’s goddamn box office magic entering your lungs right there, kids. That cheap plastic smell of a Toys R’ Us is like a car freshener scent of untapped Hollywood gold.

DICKEY turns around to face them, making eye contact, his brow furrowing. He’s a kettle about to blow. The SUITS brace for impact.

DICKEY: No one wants fresh and original anymore, people. They want what they know. They want the things that remind them of a time before their lives got shitty and their dreams went down the toilet. They want movies that emulate the one time in their lives when the world was open to them; childhood.

(beat)

That’s right, people. The world doesn’t want to be challenged, they want to be coddled. And this is how we do it. Look at these games. This is where they grew up, where their dreams were born, where their countless hours were spent. Candyland, Connect Four, Scrabble, Sorry, Monopoly, Battleship, Uno, Yahtzee, Risk…motherf*cking Play Doh! That’s right, Play Doh the movie.

He makes his hands into a rectangle and emulates “watching a movie” as he talks.

DICKEY: “Kids discover a substance that allows them to make whatever the hell they want. They use it to defeat an alien invasion or some such shit.” Will Smith and one of his kids play the lead. (matter-of-factly) That’s a f*cking franchise, people.

DICKEY starts pointing out games:

DICKEY: Just look there! Hungry, Hungry Hippos! I can see it now, the hippos are mutated from some space alien shit and attack Africa where we have Digimon Hinsou and Gerry Butler working as a big game hunting team. They’re the only ones who can stop the wild beasts! We cast Nicki Minaj as some stereotypical tribeswoman wearing nothing but a bone in her nose and some pasties. Perfection!

DICKEY points to another:

DICKEY: Uno. Every kid loves Uno. It’s a freakin' card game. You cast Matt Damon and Tobey Maguire as opponents. Get that USUAL SUSPECTS guy to write it. Shit, they can just play the game for 90 minutes and call it Uno and they’ll come in droves!

Another:

DICKEY: Connect Four! It’s a strategic mindfuck of a game to outwit your opponent. Think TRON as directed by Robert Rodriguez. Put some fucking no name kids in it with some overblown cheap special effects, Ben f*cking Kingsley as the villain and Jessica Alba in a bikini and it’s a $40 million opening weekend!

DICKEY moves to BATTLESHIP.

DICKEY: Look at this. Naval warships. Explosions. The box sells itself! You get Liam Neeson and some up-and-coming sexpot stars to sweeten the deal, make it look like the f*cking Transformers and we’re swimming in money like Scrooge McDuck!  I'll get Peter Berg on that shit, he owes me one anyway.

A hand suddenly, hesitantly goes in the air. It’s Jonathan, the newest member of the SUITS, freshly promoted from being an intern.

JONATHAN: Uh, sir…W-what if…y’know…we just had an original screenplay made about Naval warfare without the board game…o-or…out of a historical novel…wouldn’t that be a more…(he gulps) original…concept?

DICKEY literally turns red. His fists clench.

DICKEY: You’ve completely missed the f*cking point. You’re beyond fired, you’re f*cking incinerated. Take your corpse away from this place and never be seen again.

Jonathan steps back, disappearing into the background of the store. DICKEY looks around at everyone else.

DICKEY: Now, who else has an original idea? (long beat)

Nobody moves an eyelid.

DICKEY: Good. Now get out your notepads and start tearing this place apart. We’ve got franchises to build and billions to make.

CUT TO BLACK.

Extra Tidbit: Just messin' with ya, Hollywood, so don't get your panties in a bunch. But, seriously...step away...from the board games.
Source: JoBlo.com

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+1
10:23PM on 05/29/2012
I think Hungry Hungry Hippos could work as a horror/comedy.

Also, Clue was pretty good.
I think Hungry Hungry Hippos could work as a horror/comedy.

Also, Clue was pretty good.
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2:31AM on 05/24/2012
Very funny but too late .... Candyland in the work with Adam Sandler aaaaarrrgh !!
Very funny but too late .... Candyland in the work with Adam Sandler aaaaarrrgh !!
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7:45AM on 05/23/2012
That ass on the CONNECT FOUR poster...
That ass on the CONNECT FOUR poster...
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3:58PM on 05/22/2012
Very funny! 99% of the time, you are correct. But I love "Clue".
Very funny! 99% of the time, you are correct. But I love "Clue".
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3:41PM on 05/22/2012
How about a Guess Who? movie:

Mack (Colin Farrell) is an alcoholic P.I investigating a serial-killer and the only clues he has are artist-impressions from witnesses and blurry security camera footage and begins a process of elimination to determine the killer's identity.

Rachel Evan Wood stars as his on-off girlfriend and Steve Buscemi as a resident weirdo who thinks he's a psychic (or is he?)

Directed by Martin Campbell and screenplay by William Broyles Jr.
How about a Guess Who? movie:

Mack (Colin Farrell) is an alcoholic P.I investigating a serial-killer and the only clues he has are artist-impressions from witnesses and blurry security camera footage and begins a process of elimination to determine the killer's identity.

Rachel Evan Wood stars as his on-off girlfriend and Steve Buscemi as a resident weirdo who thinks he's a psychic (or is he?)

Directed by Martin Campbell and screenplay by William Broyles Jr.
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+1
3:29PM on 05/22/2012
Worked for Jumanji..
Worked for Jumanji..
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3:53PM on 05/22/2012
That is based on a book about a boardgame,very different (same thing for Zathura)
That is based on a book about a boardgame,very different (same thing for Zathura)
+0
12:33PM on 05/22/2012

I'd watch

I'd watch a Hungry Hippos movie with Nicki Minaj... Provided a hippo ate her in the opening credits.
I'd watch a Hungry Hippos movie with Nicki Minaj... Provided a hippo ate her in the opening credits.
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11:48AM on 05/22/2012

this is not that far off from the truth

you forgot Monopoly, which crazily enough, has been in development for a few years and studios have already invested millions in getting scripts finalized for. I know for a fact there are two drafts ready to go: the Jumanji-esque, comedic star gets trapped in green-screen Monopoly world with hilarious results and life lessons. Then there's the Boardwalk Empire, gritty, forging of power in 1920's Atlantic City. Both would feature Mr. Monopoly as the villain though.

Side note: will they
you forgot Monopoly, which crazily enough, has been in development for a few years and studios have already invested millions in getting scripts finalized for. I know for a fact there are two drafts ready to go: the Jumanji-esque, comedic star gets trapped in green-screen Monopoly world with hilarious results and life lessons. Then there's the Boardwalk Empire, gritty, forging of power in 1920's Atlantic City. Both would feature Mr. Monopoly as the villain though.

Side note: will they remake Clue with a bunch of Apatow/Wain regulars? I bet that happens
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11:10AM on 05/22/2012
I would watch a Warhammer 40k movie.
I would watch a Warhammer 40k movie.
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8:37AM on 05/22/2012

As bad as these movies sound

I might rather sit through them, then have to play them again as an adult. Trust me, when you have kids, you'll get it.
I might rather sit through them, then have to play them again as an adult. Trust me, when you have kids, you'll get it.
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8:37AM on 05/22/2012
If they'd made that the pre credits sequence for Battleship they could've made billions.
If they'd made that the pre credits sequence for Battleship they could've made billions.
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8:14AM on 05/22/2012

Huh?

I have no idea why that posted twice.
I have no idea why that posted twice.
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8:14AM on 05/22/2012

Connect Four the Movie

That looks like a rental!
That looks like a rental!
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8:03AM on 05/22/2012
Hahaha, the UNO made me laughed out very loud.
Hahaha, the UNO made me laughed out very loud.
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7:11AM on 05/22/2012

The Hungrey Hippos tag line is priceless!

i skipped the article (was turned off by the script format) but when i saw that mock poster it had me in stiches, props to ya sir!
i skipped the article (was turned off by the script format) but when i saw that mock poster it had me in stiches, props to ya sir!
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5:54AM on 05/22/2012

...

I'm probably alone on this, but I figured I'd give my two cents. I don't understand why people made such a big deal out of the fact that they took the title of the board game. It worked for Clue in the 80s and that's a great movie. Why did people get so upset at just the very idea? Aside from one sequence resembling the game and the peg like missiles, it's ID4 meets Hunt For Red October. I don't know, I thought it was okay for what it was (cheap, loud fun). The film flopped here (kind of
I'm probably alone on this, but I figured I'd give my two cents. I don't understand why people made such a big deal out of the fact that they took the title of the board game. It worked for Clue in the 80s and that's a great movie. Why did people get so upset at just the very idea? Aside from one sequence resembling the game and the peg like missiles, it's ID4 meets Hunt For Red October. I don't know, I thought it was okay for what it was (cheap, loud fun). The film flopped here (kind of expected that) but it was a big hit overseas. I saw this in Bangkok and the crowd went nuts for it.
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7:19AM on 05/22/2012
At least Clue was somewhat true to the source material.
At least Clue was somewhat true to the source material.
1:42PM on 05/22/2012
you aren't alone on this. The general population is getting dumber and dumber, so why not make movies even more stupid.

These types of movies are a insult, or a slap in the face to people with half a brain. And when they make money of these things, it just makes Hollywood make even more of these to appease the dolts of society.
you aren't alone on this. The general population is getting dumber and dumber, so why not make movies even more stupid.

These types of movies are a insult, or a slap in the face to people with half a brain. And when they make money of these things, it just makes Hollywood make even more of these to appease the dolts of society.
3:01AM on 05/22/2012

Don't give them ideas!

But seriously, hilarious article! Did anyone else read Dicky Mack's lines in an Irish accent?
But seriously, hilarious article! Did anyone else read Dicky Mack's lines in an Irish accent?
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2:23AM on 05/22/2012

CLUE

The exception to the rlue . . . er, rule.
The exception to the rlue . . . er, rule.
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2:46AM on 05/22/2012
I will give you Clue.
I will give you Clue.
3:39AM on 05/22/2012
they already did Clue in 1985.. which would mean it's ripe for a remake... a remake of a boardgame?
they already did Clue in 1985.. which would mean it's ripe for a remake... a remake of a boardgame?
8:50AM on 05/22/2012
Clue isn't exactly a good movie, but it's an entertaining as fuck movie. It's the only movie with the balls to repeat the entire movie at the end.
Clue isn't exactly a good movie, but it's an entertaining as fuck movie. It's the only movie with the balls to repeat the entire movie at the end.
1:33AM on 05/22/2012
"Thanks for making that Uno poster. I just love having coffee spit all over me." -Schaef's Computer Screen, esq.
"Thanks for making that Uno poster. I just love having coffee spit all over me." -Schaef's Computer Screen, esq.
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