In last week’s article
, we celebrated the two best astronaut movies ever made by facing-off THE RIGHT STUFF
versus APOLLO 13
with the former just edging out Ron Howard’s 1995 effort.
MACHETE KILLS open this Friday (the sequel to Robert Rodriguez’ 2010 action cheeser MACHETE ) starring badass Danny Trejo, madman Mel Gibson, sexbomb Sofia Vergara and idiot Lady Gaga. As a tribute to its title character, we decided to have this week’s Face-off feature the character of Machete Cortez against blaxpoitation hero, Black Dynamite (played brilliantly by Michael Jai White), the title character from 2009’s BLACK DYNAMITE.
In the world of blaxpoitation flicks, we’ve been blessed with some of the coolest and funniest names in cinema with Shaft, Cleopatra Jones and Blacula. Still, it’s the movie that pays homage to all those films, BLACK DYNAMITE that features one of the coolest names of them all! I know if I were black I would want to be called Black Dynamite. Scratch that, I’m white and I want to be called Black Dynamite, yo!
The last thing you want in a man after you for revenge is for his name to be Machete. This either means he is very handy with the blade or he’s Italian. It’s a hell of a scary name and the Spanish pronunciation of the name in the film makes it even more badass. But he’s up against Black Dynamite so he was never really in the race in this category.
Black kung-fu outfit.
Long leather jacket.
Long greasy, dirty hair.
Leather vest with knife and machete holders.
Lots ‘o’ tattoos.
Cool mystical/spiritual necklace.
1) Black Dynamite: Ain't nothin' in the world get Black Dynamite more mad than some jive ass sucka dealin' smack to the kids!
2) Afroditey: Ooh, Black Dynamite, you came to see me!
Black Dynamite: Bitch, nah, I need to rap a piece with my man 'Horn. Tell you what, maybe when I'm done I'll throw you a piece right quick.
Afroditey: Out of sight! I get off in fifteen minutes.
Black Dynamite: You right about that, girl. You right about that.
3) Black Dynamite: Tiny. Get Pimpin Jake out of my trunk. Tell him the rest of my money by Wednesday or I'll make him stick himself.
4) Black Dynamite: I'm gonna fight. The only way I know how. Ever since I was a boy, all I knew was how to fight. Fight, fight, fight. And when I got tired, I would fight some more. And now that the Man has got our backs to the wall, I ain't gonna let him hurt the kids. I'm gonna take him down. I'm gonna take them all down.
1) Machete: Machete don't text.
2) Booth: Machete sent me a text.
Osiris Ampanpour: What did it say?
Booth: "You just fucked with the wrong Mexican."
3) Sartana: I called in a few favors. Look at this. Got you all the right papers. You can start over now, be a real person.
Machete: [hands back the papers] Why do I want to be a real person when I'm already a myth?
4) Padre Benito del Toro: [offers Machete a cigar] Cuban?
Guns, guns, guns.
Various guns, rifles, etc.
Black Dynamite starts the film off with a sixsome (!!) and continues the sexy throughout the film up to and including an animated sequence where we see Dynamite and his lady friend get down and dirty using every sexual position under the sun.
Can anything really beat a sixsome? Well, Machete has a threesome with a mother and daughter (Lindsay Lohan being the daughter) which is the one and only thing that can match a sixsome! If that wasn’t enough, the ladies are the wife and daughter of his enemy...natch! Our hero also messes around with superbabes Michelle Rodriguez and Jessica Alba during the film. You bet your ass Machete wins this category!
If you’re bored this weekend and your lady is talking smack to you, tell her to scram, grab yourself a bottle of Anaconda Malt Liquor and watch two of the cheesiest, funniest and bloodiest movies in years! Black Dynamite wins this Face-Off but the real winner is me who used this article as an excuse to look up photos of Sofia Vergara online to “research” this article and got paid to do it. Thank you JoBlo.com!