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Face-Off: Cobra Cobretti vs. Dutch Schaefer

01.31.2013by: Paul Huffman
In last weeks Face-Off, we prepared for the release of Jason Statham's new film Parker by putting together a match between Statham and fellow action star (and now once again WWE Champion) Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Statham ultimately won the verdict, with our readers agreeing for the most part. Needless to say however, The Rock was not without his supporters.

This week, to pump up for the release of Sly Stallone's latest outing Bullet to the Head, we've decided to pit one of Stallone's great characters against one of legendary Arnie's great characters in 'Cobra' Cobretti against 'Dutch' Schaefer. Both roles were vintage Sly and Arnie with their awesome one liners, and a hell of an arsenal to back up their menace. This match will come down to whose presence you already appreciated more I believe, both would be worthy of a victory.
Weaponry
For the oh so famous "You're a disease, I'm the cure" line, Cobra was packing a beautiful 9MM Gold Cup by Colt (used in the films awesome opening scene). If that hand cannon wasn't enough, the real kicker is the gun advertised on the films poster the Jatimatic SMG (used in the the films badass car chase scene and closing minutes). Cobra had a handful of very effective close up shots of said guns, to the point where they were pretty much characters all their own.
Good ol' Dutch is packing a Desert Eagle in his holster, but his real baby is the M16 Rifle, man it was one big son of a bitch. Dutch also had an M67 hand grenade on hand just for good measure. I've got to say folks in this case, bigger is better. Former Green Beret's seem to always get the best toys. That said, it's funny to me that when it came down to it Dutch's best help came from a log. Weapons don't have to be heavy artillery folks.
Badassery
When your hero is a Los Angeles police officer in a division known as the "Zombie Squad", what you have on your hands is a man not to be f*cked with. Hostage situation in a grocery store? All good Cobretti has it covered. Cobra is no slouch in a car chase either, all in a jacked up 51 Mercury too, not bad Sly not bad. What I loved most about Cobretti is the way he carried himself throughout the film, from the opening scene he gave off this aura that this stuff was just another day in the office for him, he epitomized cool. Punkin' cholo's and neo-fascist's n sh*t.
Ex Green Beret turned Major in an elite special forces unit, Dutch Schaefer..well nothing will stop him from completing a mission. Not even when that mission is to wipe out a deadly alien race of master hunters (I would have said predators but I don't like to be predictable). I've been sitting here trying to think of a moment that defines Dutch's kick-ass nature. I think it would have to be the idea that a Predator slowly and methodically takes off his mask to reveal his face, while instead of shitting bricks Dutch comments on his less than desirable features. With not fear, but disgust etched across his face. He's resourceful, he's fearless, and if you can bleed...you're f*cked.
Memorable Lines
"You're the disease, and I'm the cure!"

"This is where the law stops and I start - sucker!"

"As long as we play by these bullshit rules and the killer doesn't, we're gonna lose!"

"Hey dirtbag, you're a lousy shot. I don't like lousy shots. You wasted a kid... for nothing. Now I think it's time to waste you!"

"No! You're history!"

"I don't deal with psychos, I put em away."
"If it bleeds, we can kill it."

"You're one... *ugly* motherfucker!"

"Run! Get to the chopper!"

"I'm here! Come on! Do it now! Kill me!"

"You set us up. It was bullshit, all of it."
Overall
Cobra had so much 80's Sly Stallone goodness and it is one of my favorite roles of his. As a kid, you see these characters that you would love to grow up to be one day...if I had seen this movie at that awesome age, Cobra Cobretti would have been one of those characters. Cobra had his own flare when he did things, he took the law into his own hands but he was always on the right side of it. His action scenes are plentiful, his one-liners amazing, and his presence charismatic. What more could you want?
The Predator film that started it all, let's just say that I think it still could have been a good film without Arnie on board as Dutch...but not great! Dutch made this movie great. Arnie was a beast here, he was fearless, and damn if he didn't look awesome holding that M16! I love that this is the film in which Arnold seems the most unhinged in his performance, the situation they find themselves in will do that to you I guess. Bottom line is in my opinion next to the Terminator, Dutch Schaefer stands as one of Arnie's most iconic roles.
Dutch
There you have it ladies and gentlemen, as great and as kick ass Sly Stallone is as Cobra Cobretti, the power Arnold brings to his turn as Dutch can't be beat here in my opinion. Both were the definitive action heroes of their time and with these two characters both showed us exactly why. Question is, where do your loyalties lie? Let us know!

If you have an idea that you'd like to see in a future FACE OFF column, feel free to shoot an email to me at paulhuffman@joblo.com with your ideas and some ideas for the critique to base your ideas off. Thank you and in the meantime...

Which character is your favorite?
POST YOUR CHOICE BELOW!

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