Latest Movie News Headlines

Face-Off: Cobra Cobretti vs. Dutch Schaefer

Jan. 31, 2013by: Paul Huffman
In last weeks Face-Off, we prepared for the release of Jason Statham's new film Parker by putting together a match between Statham and fellow action star (and now once again WWE Champion) Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Statham ultimately won the verdict, with our readers agreeing for the most part. Needless to say however, The Rock was not without his supporters.

This week, to pump up for the release of Sly Stallone's latest outing Bullet to the Head, we've decided to pit one of Stallone's great characters against one of legendary Arnie's great characters in 'Cobra' Cobretti against 'Dutch' Schaefer. Both roles were vintage Sly and Arnie with their awesome one liners, and a hell of an arsenal to back up their menace. This match will come down to whose presence you already appreciated more I believe, both would be worthy of a victory.
Weaponry
For the oh so famous "You're a disease, I'm the cure" line, Cobra was packing a beautiful 9MM Gold Cup by Colt (used in the films awesome opening scene). If that hand cannon wasn't enough, the real kicker is the gun advertised on the films poster the Jatimatic SMG (used in the the films badass car chase scene and closing minutes). Cobra had a handful of very effective close up shots of said guns, to the point where they were pretty much characters all their own.
Good ol' Dutch is packing a Desert Eagle in his holster, but his real baby is the M16 Rifle, man it was one big son of a bitch. Dutch also had an M67 hand grenade on hand just for good measure. I've got to say folks in this case, bigger is better. Former Green Beret's seem to always get the best toys. That said, it's funny to me that when it came down to it Dutch's best help came from a log. Weapons don't have to be heavy artillery folks.
Badassery
When your hero is a Los Angeles police officer in a division known as the "Zombie Squad", what you have on your hands is a man not to be f*cked with. Hostage situation in a grocery store? All good Cobretti has it covered. Cobra is no slouch in a car chase either, all in a jacked up 51 Mercury too, not bad Sly not bad. What I loved most about Cobretti is the way he carried himself throughout the film, from the opening scene he gave off this aura that this stuff was just another day in the office for him, he epitomized cool. Punkin' cholo's and neo-fascist's n sh*t.
Ex Green Beret turned Major in an elite special forces unit, Dutch Schaefer..well nothing will stop him from completing a mission. Not even when that mission is to wipe out a deadly alien race of master hunters (I would have said predators but I don't like to be predictable). I've been sitting here trying to think of a moment that defines Dutch's kick-ass nature. I think it would have to be the idea that a Predator slowly and methodically takes off his mask to reveal his face, while instead of shitting bricks Dutch comments on his less than desirable features. With not fear, but disgust etched across his face. He's resourceful, he's fearless, and if you can bleed...you're f*cked.
Memorable Lines
"You're the disease, and I'm the cure!"

"This is where the law stops and I start - sucker!"

"As long as we play by these bullshit rules and the killer doesn't, we're gonna lose!"

"Hey dirtbag, you're a lousy shot. I don't like lousy shots. You wasted a kid... for nothing. Now I think it's time to waste you!"

"No! You're history!"

"I don't deal with psychos, I put em away."
"If it bleeds, we can kill it."

"You're one... *ugly* motherfucker!"

"Run! Get to the chopper!"

"I'm here! Come on! Do it now! Kill me!"

"You set us up. It was bullshit, all of it."
Overall
Cobra had so much 80's Sly Stallone goodness and it is one of my favorite roles of his. As a kid, you see these characters that you would love to grow up to be one day...if I had seen this movie at that awesome age, Cobra Cobretti would have been one of those characters. Cobra had his own flare when he did things, he took the law into his own hands but he was always on the right side of it. His action scenes are plentiful, his one-liners amazing, and his presence charismatic. What more could you want?
The Predator film that started it all, let's just say that I think it still could have been a good film without Arnie on board as Dutch...but not great! Dutch made this movie great. Arnie was a beast here, he was fearless, and damn if he didn't look awesome holding that M16! I love that this is the film in which Arnold seems the most unhinged in his performance, the situation they find themselves in will do that to you I guess. Bottom line is in my opinion next to the Terminator, Dutch Schaefer stands as one of Arnie's most iconic roles.
Dutch
There you have it ladies and gentlemen, as great and as kick ass Sly Stallone is as Cobra Cobretti, the power Arnold brings to his turn as Dutch can't be beat here in my opinion. Both were the definitive action heroes of their time and with these two characters both showed us exactly why. Question is, where do your loyalties lie? Let us know!

If you have an idea that you'd like to see in a future FACE OFF column, feel free to shoot an email to me at paulhuffman@joblo.com with your ideas and some ideas for the critique to base your ideas off. Thank you and in the meantime...

Which character is your favorite?
POST YOUR CHOICE BELOW!

MORE FUN FROM AROUND THE WEB

Strikeback
Not registered? Sign-up!
Or

5:27PM on 01/31/2013
Dutch. Admittedly I'm biased because I think Predator is way better than Cobra and I'm in general a bigger Schwarzenegger fan... but I think even if I wasn't, I'd still have to go with Dutch. The dude went up against a Predator!
Dutch. Admittedly I'm biased because I think Predator is way better than Cobra and I'm in general a bigger Schwarzenegger fan... but I think even if I wasn't, I'd still have to go with Dutch. The dude went up against a Predator!
Your Reply:



5:17PM on 01/31/2013
Dutch wins of course.
Dutch wins of course.
Your Reply:



+4
3:27PM on 01/31/2013

Best One Liners= Stallone?!?!?!

Really? Some of Arnold's best and most rememberable lines come from "Predator"? "Get to the chopper!", "Your one ugly motherfucker." Hell, there was a great Youtube video, "Predator: The Musical", with the song "If if bleeds we can kill it"! Never seen it? Watch it now!
[link]
Really? Some of Arnold's best and most rememberable lines come from "Predator"? "Get to the chopper!", "Your one ugly motherfucker." Hell, there was a great Youtube video, "Predator: The Musical", with the song "If if bleeds we can kill it"! Never seen it? Watch it now!
[link]
Your Reply:



3:25PM on 01/31/2013
M16.... With a grenade launcher. How did you miss that and how do you compare a soldier to a cop?

You should have gone with Ivan Danko from Red Heat instead of Dutch.
M16.... With a grenade launcher. How did you miss that and how do you compare a soldier to a cop?

You should have gone with Ivan Danko from Red Heat instead of Dutch.
Your Reply:



3:24PM on 01/31/2013
M16.... With a grenade launcher. How did you miss that and how do you compare a soldier to a cop?

You should have gone with Ivan Danko from Red Heat instead of Dutch.
M16.... With a grenade launcher. How did you miss that and how do you compare a soldier to a cop?

You should have gone with Ivan Danko from Red Heat instead of Dutch.
Your Reply:



1:12PM on 01/31/2013
Dutch definitely should have gotten the one-liners category and I agree, it should have been Rambo vs. Dutch...and to be honest I believe Rambo would win that one.
Dutch definitely should have gotten the one-liners category and I agree, it should have been Rambo vs. Dutch...and to be honest I believe Rambo would win that one.
Your Reply:



+4
12:44PM on 01/31/2013
You should have made it Dutch vs Rambo....duhh.
You should have made it Dutch vs Rambo....duhh.
Your Reply:



11:16AM on 02/01/2013
I would have to agree with Thunderdome & dkev. This Face Off needs some help.
I could see these Face Offs instead:
Major Alan "Dutch" Schaefer VS. John J. Rambo
Major Alan "Dutch" Schaefer VS. James Braddock
heck even...
Major Alan "Dutch" Schaefer VS. John Matrix would work as an awesome Face Off

Marion 'Cobra' Cobretti VS. John Kimble
Marion 'Cobra' Cobretti VS. John McClane
Marion 'Cobra' Cobretti VS. J.J. McQuade
I would have to agree with Thunderdome & dkev. This Face Off needs some help.
I could see these Face Offs instead:
Major Alan "Dutch" Schaefer VS. John J. Rambo
Major Alan "Dutch" Schaefer VS. James Braddock
heck even...
Major Alan "Dutch" Schaefer VS. John Matrix would work as an awesome Face Off

Marion 'Cobra' Cobretti VS. John Kimble
Marion 'Cobra' Cobretti VS. John McClane
Marion 'Cobra' Cobretti VS. J.J. McQuade
+12
11:33AM on 01/31/2013

"Stick around."

You forgot that little Arnie ad-lib genius.
You forgot that little Arnie ad-lib genius.
Your Reply:



10:39AM on 01/31/2013
No contest. Cobra is like Stallone's weird attempt at creating an ultra-violent Dirty Harry series for himself. It tries way, way too hard. Predator & Dutch = action movie heaven.
No contest. Cobra is like Stallone's weird attempt at creating an ultra-violent Dirty Harry series for himself. It tries way, way too hard. Predator & Dutch = action movie heaven.
Your Reply:



8:09AM on 01/31/2013
Blain > Dutch
Just sayin...
Blain > Dutch
Just sayin...
Your Reply:



8:01AM on 01/31/2013
Dutch would put his stogie out on Cobra's eyeball.
Dutch would put his stogie out on Cobra's eyeball.
Your Reply:



7:12AM on 01/31/2013

Dutch

Dutch 100% but Cobra is no slouch as stated plus he cuts his pizza with scissors - I always loved that.
Dutch 100% but Cobra is no slouch as stated plus he cuts his pizza with scissors - I always loved that.
Your Reply:



3:33AM on 01/31/2013

WHAT THE FUNK?

dutch is the hands down winner, tho this is a terrible, terrible face off. how anyone can compare cobra to dutch is baffling. get it together!!!
dutch is the hands down winner, tho this is a terrible, terrible face off. how anyone can compare cobra to dutch is baffling. get it together!!!
Your Reply:



2:09AM on 01/31/2013

Major Alan "Dutch" Shaeffer

It's not even close. You must have made a grievous error when you awarded the memorable lines category to Cobretti. Because who the hell quotes Cobra? Predator is arguably Arnold's most frequently quoted film. Maybe John Rambo could have a go at Dutch, but he'd be better suited for a face-off with John Matrix. Cobretti's Joseph P. Brenner league.
It's not even close. You must have made a grievous error when you awarded the memorable lines category to Cobretti. Because who the hell quotes Cobra? Predator is arguably Arnold's most frequently quoted film. Maybe John Rambo could have a go at Dutch, but he'd be better suited for a face-off with John Matrix. Cobretti's Joseph P. Brenner league.
Your Reply:



+13
1:59AM on 01/31/2013
Hold the phone, Cobra had more memorable lines than friggin' Dutch? The hell? No one could just quote Cobra unless they were a huge fan, heck, Judge Dredd is more memorable. Lame? Maybe. More "one liner-ish", sure. But memorable? Dutch's lines are part of movie history, Cobra's are just part of Stallone's and no where else.
Hold the phone, Cobra had more memorable lines than friggin' Dutch? The hell? No one could just quote Cobra unless they were a huge fan, heck, Judge Dredd is more memorable. Lame? Maybe. More "one liner-ish", sure. But memorable? Dutch's lines are part of movie history, Cobra's are just part of Stallone's and no where else.
Your Reply:



+16
1:23AM on 01/31/2013

His name isn't Cobra Cobretti...

It's MARION Cobretti...come on, guys. That's a pretty important detail, and it's not that easy to miss.
It's MARION Cobretti...come on, guys. That's a pretty important detail, and it's not that easy to miss.
Your Reply:



1:42AM on 01/31/2013
Granted, but it was his 'codename' in the film.
Granted, but it was his 'codename' in the film.
+1
1:18AM on 01/31/2013
Dutch vs. Royce
Dutch vs. Royce
Your Reply:



12:54AM on 01/31/2013
I'd say Dutch. However, it's not fair to face off Cobra and Dutch. Dutch took care of Predator. It should be Dutch vs. Lt. Harrigan of Predator 2. Cobra is a cop so he should be compared to fellow cops such as Martin Riggs or Dirty Harry. Just a thought though.
I'd say Dutch. However, it's not fair to face off Cobra and Dutch. Dutch took care of Predator. It should be Dutch vs. Lt. Harrigan of Predator 2. Cobra is a cop so he should be compared to fellow cops such as Martin Riggs or Dirty Harry. Just a thought though.
Your Reply:



JoBlo's T-Shirt Shoppe | support our site... Wear Our Gear!