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Globes pics 1/2

01.16.2007


-- click here to check out the winners --
-- click here to read our wrap-up --

PART 1 / 2

Seeing as none of these stars take themselves all too seriously (harumph) and even those who do need to be taken down a peg or two or three, every year we basically try and knock some sense into them by...well, making fun of their red carpet pictures as best we can. Of course, it's not a "nice thing" to do, but apparently it's one of the down-sides to being a multi-millionaire for pretending to be other people. We skipped this tradition last year, but you can check our previous years' jabs here: 2004 / 2003 / 2002. Enjoy!


Does anyone know why Cameron Diaz decided to put make-up on her face like my 92-year old grandma does? You know, all over the friggin' place! No more "Dick in the Box" for you, honey!


I used to be Thelma from "Thelma & Louise", but
you can just call me by my first name now: fat.


I'm so good-looking, charming and talented that I must have something wrong with me. Hmmmm, let me think. Okay, I got it...Leo DiCaprio has a tiny penis...I said it!! It might not be true, but I gotta sleep at nights, folks. The man is a gem.


On the "street", these types of lips are referred to as, well...I don't want to be crude, but let's just say lollipop-sucking lips. That's right, lollipop-sucking and between me and you, I've got a lollipop that needs sucking right now!!! PS: Alright, it's crude, sue me.


Honestly, there are no "jokes" that I can make here. These people are the greatest human beings on the face of this planet, and by "greatest", I mean "best looking", and by 'best looking", I mean "my life sucks", and by "my life sucks", I mean....aawwww, just forget all that and adopt me already! Take me away from all of this...death!!!


Jack Nicholson apparently seriously maimed a cameraman with this "look" alone. The photog sustained grave injuries and had to be taken to the hospital, but even he admitted, "It was great to be acknowledged by 'Jack'. If I die, tell my wife that I was cheating on her with her sister, although she was a better lay."


"Hey everybody! I'm apparently the next 'big thing' and yet I haven't been in any movies that you've seen, Jude Law cheated on me with our chunky babysitter and I'm pretty sure that I'm a junkie." The name: Sienna Miller. The getting-cheated-on-by-your-nanny joke: priceless!


Honestly, who's the bigger tool, me or Kanye? And the winner is...both of you!!!


Sheryl Crowe or Sarah Jessica Parker? Sarah Jessica Parker or Sheryl Crowe? Hmmmm, not sure, but either way, this is reminding me of a horse. "Mole. Bloody mole. We aren't supposed to talk about the bloody mole, but there's a bloody mole winking me in the face. I want to c-u-u-t it off, ch-o-o-p it off, and make guacamole."


I realize that Reese Witherspoon dropped some dead weight when she 86'd her cheating husband Ryan Phillippe a few months back, but did she also have to lose weight herself? Girlfriend, we like you with some meat on them bones...come back!!


Honestly folks, I did not tamper with this picture. This is the "lovely" Annette Bening proving to the world that she definitely does not participate in the Hollywood-ian ritual of Botox. Then again, if you look at that picture for a few seconds straight, you sorta wonder WHY she doesn't use that shit. Yipes, cover up, honey...you're killing my Hayek buzz!


The man, the balls, the hilarity!!!


Be afraid, be very afraid.


Adorable.


Even more adorable!!


The adorablest!!!


If Ali Larter's neckline plunged down any further, we might actually be able to see her wigwam in all of its glory. C'mooooon, wigwam!!


"I bang out kids like they're going out of style and yet I still manage to maintain an awesome figure and attitude, so f*ck you to all them preggo-hatas out there. Peace!"


Beauty and the ugly skeleton junkie dude.
Makes perfect sense to me!!


Ben Affleck from yesteryear - cocaine + Jennifer Garner - drinking / baby = Ben Affleck today. Subdued and happy?


Renee Zellweger looks like this because she's prepping for her next role as a lemon-sucker. Wha--, what's that you say, she's NOT prepping for a role as a lemon-sucker? She just looks that way, you say? Hmmmm. Wow.


Jennifer Garner or Hilary Swank? YOU DECIDE!


Sometimes it's better not to say anything....and simply let the picture, do the talking...


...I can't take it, sorry!! This lady is gorgeous and apparently, damn smart and savvy as well...why aren't we married yet though, it's very odd. She seems to really like me...in my dreams. So odd that she pretends to "not know me" whenever I wake up and call her agency.

More pics and captions here!

Source: JoBlo.com

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