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08.26.2011by: Jim Law

Top 10 Awesome Limo Drivers

Welcome to the new Ten Spot. Cleaner, slicker, faster, hotter. I have no idea what any of that means. Just sit back and enjoy the pretty pictures and stuff. For our first new and improved column I decided to go with limo drivers, the oft-forgotten white-collared working man's man who drives around a giant car all day and looks up skirts through the rear view mirror. It's not always a rewarding job filled with douche-bags, puke piles, and bad tippers so I thought I'd shift the spotlight their way for once. Close the privacy window when your done.

10. Sammy - THE WEDDING SINGER

I've found it's time to re-evaluate all of Adam Sandler's earlier work after watching that wretched trailer for JACK & JILL. This didn't work out to well for him after revisiting ANGER MANAGEMENT last week. So, sorry Sammy, until I get the time to watch this film again, you get one slot better than honorable mention. Just feel lucky I don't throw your ass in Movie Jail too.

9. Jack - JACK GOES BOATING

Jack is a guy who is always trying to better himself for a piece of ass. I can relate, when I met my future wife I taught myself how to not clog the toilet. The secret? Flush after every individual poop. And don't use toilet paper, just wash your bum in the sink.

8. Jimmy - MADE

I like to imagine Vinny Pastore is always playing Big Pussy (prior to his death on The Sopranos, of course). You'd be surprised at how well it works out. Not a lot of range here. Ohhhhhh!

7. Ed - IDENTITY

For some reason I can really picture John Cusak driving a limo in his spare time (appearing on this list twice doesn't hurt). Here's what I imagine his day to be like: Wake up, shoot a scene for a shitty movie, shower, shit, shave, chauffeur some washed up divas around Hollywood, drunk call Jeremy Piven, be a dick to random fans of SAY ANYTHING, line up a job for his sister, and go to bed.

6. Alfie - ALFIE

Now here's a dude that knows how to make the best out of his job. As much as he has to put up with wealthy assholes running their fat face holes, there's probably a tremendous amount of pimped-out pussy sliding in and out of the backseat. Alfie has slammed more women than I've actually met in real life.

5. Argyle - DIE HARD

If I was a limo driver I would be Argyle. Drop off my client, bang out some RUN-DMC, calls me some bitches, get fucked up, and maybe save the day by messing with some terrorists. In reality, I would take a nap. I'm so tired.

4. Jackson Curtis - 2012

He might very well be the greatest limo driver of all time after that getaway scene. But then there's the rest of this movie, which deals less with his limo driving abilities and more about ridiculous bullshitties. If the whole movie took place in the limo - #1.

3. Mace - STRANGE DAYS

Before Stella got her groove back she was a bodyguard/limo driver. It's a weird connection. What's not weird is how lucky Lenny Nero is to have Mace watching his ass every time he does something stupid. Need a couple cops to get their ass beat? Call Mace.

2. Lou - BACK TO SCHOOL

If you're going to be an obnoxious rich asshole for the better part of your life you better have a tough guy hanging around to fight your battles. If he can also drive your car - BONUS! That's Lou in a nut-shell, he just wants to get paid and roll some heads once in a while. Good for him.

Lloyd Christmas - DUMB & DUMBER

It's okay, he's a limo driver. Thank God too, or else this list would end up making no sense at all. I would hope all limo drivers have the passion for lost luggage that Lloyd does. If I leave my Nintendo DS in the back of your car you better travel cross country to get it back to me. Even if my ass doesn't look like Lauren Holly's. It does though..... like a delicious baby apple.
Tags: The Ten Spot

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