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06.16.2012by: Jim Law

The 10 Spot: 10 Horrible Movies My Dad Loves

I owe a lot to my dad when it comes to my film-going childhood. He'd drop me off at the theater, go drink at the nearest dive-bar, and then drive me home. Bonding. I pay him back nowadays by delivering him a weekly supply of my leftovers, the films that get me through each and every night at work. I shouldn't say I give him all the films I watch. I know his taste, if nobody dies, there are no punches thrown, nothing explodes, or there's no nudity I just spare him the nuisance. It takes a particular type of film to please my father, and some of them suck assholes. Happy Father's Day to any and all! If my dad knew how to read the internet he'd love this shit.

10. VAN HELSING

There's a lot of trickery going on in this film that messes with my dad's mind. Modern day weapons that look ancient? Rock star Wolverine killing vampires? Kate Beckinsale's chest crevice? It all seems so awesome. At the end of the day though I'm pretty sure it's the long leather jacket. Seriously.

9. SUDDEN DEATH

There are few things wrong with this film in my dad's eyes. Van Damme plays hockey. Van Damme beats up a bunch of shitheads. Van Damme saves the day. The only thing that could have made it better would have been the inclusion of the Red Wings in the Stanley Cup Finals. Then - greatest movie of all time.

8. JUDGE DREDD

There's no way he's not going to love this shit. Watching Stallone deliver the line "I AM THE LAW!" might just be the highlight of his life. I'm pretty sure he used that line in his next twelve bar fights. If you haven't got the joke yet, our last name is Law. Grow up.

7. CITY HEAT

I'll always remember how pumped he was for this film. It rubbed off on me too. "Clint AND Burt? Are you kidding me? This is going to be amazing! Go get me a beer." I was running down the aisle by the time he got through with me. Thirty minutes into the film and I hated Clint, Burt, and my dad.

6. THE OCTAGON

You ever spew those Chuck Norris jokes at somebody and they don't get it? This is my dad. If he ever figured out people were actually making fun of Chuck he would be crushed. I'm certain my dad styles his chest hair after the man. It's a virtually perfect man-mane.

5. BARB WIRE

You can't blame him here. The first 3 times I watched this film I had no idea how bad it was. I had no idea what it was even about. Why would I watch this film 3 times? Pam Anderson really missed out on the reality television boom. She would have killed. Think about this - Pam Anderson has more talent than Kim Kardashian in every aspect of entertainment. Every single one.

4. INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL

My father sat right next to me in the theater on opening night for RAIDERS OF THE LOST ARK. Our love for that film has always been a topic of conversation through the years. He had always referred to it as his "best movie" (whatever that means, for a while I thought he was an executive producer or some shit). Personally, it has never left the top 5 in my favorite films of all time. So, you can imagine the stinging sensation that attacked many areas of my brain when he told me Crystal Skull "was the best Indy yet." This is why, to this day, he's only allowed to spend time with 2 of my 3 children.

3. BALLISTIC: ECKS VS. SEVER

It only takes one great performance/movie to convince my dad of a particular actor's greatness. This has held true for years for the likes of Bruce, Arnold, Sly, Burt, and Clint. And by the time the credits rolled in DESPERADO, Antonio Bandaras had proven he could never do anything wrong for as long as he shall live. So even in a film like this, where A-Ban does absolutely nothing right, my dad refuses to call him out on his horseshittiness

2. WILD WILD WEST

My dad loves a good western. Or a pathetically horrid one. Seriously, throw a couple spurs, a tumble-weed, and some sort of horse shenanigans at him and you've got some top-shelf drama. Plot means nothing to the man. Show him a gigantic mechanical spider robot and he'll still be wondering why the black guy is wearing a cowboy hat.

1. BATMAN & ROBIN

Imagine a world where this is the single greatest representation of Mr. Freeze that could ever be created. Now look to the right. See the drunk-as-shit asshole on his Harley doing doughnuts at the Neil Diamond concert? That's my dad. This is HIS world. Arnold Schwarzenegger has dibs on any and all film roles, Marilyn Monroe is only dead when he wants her to be (Tuesdays & Thursdays - bowling nights), and bologna does, in fact, grow on trees. It's not such a bad place once you get used to it. Fonzie lives there.

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12:25PM on 06/18/2012
I believe this was voted worst movie of all time. Literally
I believe this was voted worst movie of all time. Literally
Your Reply:



12:23PM on 06/18/2012
I AM THE LAWL! .. LAWLLLLLLL. In all seriousness, I love this movie though.
I AM THE LAWL! .. LAWLLLLLLL. In all seriousness, I love this movie though.
Your Reply:



10:56AM on 06/18/2012
One good thing about this movie is Salma Hayek in a corset.
One good thing about this movie is Salma Hayek in a corset.
Your Reply:



10:55AM on 06/18/2012
The only good thing about this movie is action scene. Any scene involving dialogues is sh*t.
The only good thing about this movie is action scene. Any scene involving dialogues is sh*t.
Your Reply:



10:53AM on 06/18/2012
Conceptually the movie is amazing. Burt Reynolds and Clint Eastwood together in action/comedy movie set in 1930s-1940s. What could go wrong? Well, pretty much everything.
Conceptually the movie is amazing. Burt Reynolds and Clint Eastwood together in action/comedy movie set in 1930s-1940s. What could go wrong? Well, pretty much everything.
Your Reply:



10:50AM on 06/18/2012
Judge Dredd is also lots of fun.
Judge Dredd is also lots of fun.
Your Reply:



10:50AM on 06/18/2012
How come this movie is horrible? Sudden Death is lots of fun! My two favorite scenes: Van Damme vs. villain in a Penguin mascot costume and Van Damme vs. Helicopter Fight at the end of the movie.
How come this movie is horrible? Sudden Death is lots of fun! My two favorite scenes: Van Damme vs. villain in a Penguin mascot costume and Van Damme vs. Helicopter Fight at the end of the movie.
Your Reply:



+2
4:30PM on 06/17/2012

This sounds like my Dad's list

It's spot on...my Father (who passed away a few months ago) was also ALWAYS the biggest fan of the shittiest installment in a franchise too...X-men 3...bev hills cop 3...die hard 2 and 4...it was like the lamer it all got THE BETTER it got for him...i miss him. and he had great taste in movies overall...but some of the stuff he liked sooo much, was sooo terrible! PRIEST! we watched PRIEST 4 times when we rented it! That's saying a lot.

It's spot on...my Father (who passed away a few months ago) was also ALWAYS the biggest fan of the shittiest installment in a franchise too...X-men 3...bev hills cop 3...die hard 2 and 4...it was like the lamer it all got THE BETTER it got for him...i miss him. and he had great taste in movies overall...but some of the stuff he liked sooo much, was sooo terrible! PRIEST! we watched PRIEST 4 times when we rented it! That's saying a lot.

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1:49PM on 06/17/2012

Great Idea

My dad works for a film festival and introduced me to good cinema, yet for some inexplicable reason he likes the D-grade thriller Untraceable. He thought it was clever. I don't get it. Haha.
My dad works for a film festival and introduced me to good cinema, yet for some inexplicable reason he likes the D-grade thriller Untraceable. He thought it was clever. I don't get it. Haha.
Your Reply:



5:36PM on 06/16/2012

I'm calling Bullshit!!!

Unless we have the same father. I always thought that my dad was the only person who likes Ballistics Ecks vs. Sever and Batman & Robin. I refuse to believe that there are two like minded individuals out there... Maybe its a dad thing?
Unless we have the same father. I always thought that my dad was the only person who likes Ballistics Ecks vs. Sever and Batman & Robin. I refuse to believe that there are two like minded individuals out there... Maybe its a dad thing?
Your Reply:



4:34PM on 06/16/2012
Sudden Death is class.
Sudden Death is class.
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1:17PM on 06/16/2012

Sudden Death and The Octagon ARE Awesome!

Otherwise, great list. However, I love Van Helsing. I know it sucks but still love it.
Otherwise, great list. However, I love Van Helsing. I know it sucks but still love it.
Your Reply:



10:13AM on 06/16/2012

lol

Great list, although BATMAN & ROBIN is freaking awesome.
Great list, although BATMAN & ROBIN is freaking awesome.
Your Reply:



+1
9:58AM on 06/16/2012
HA HA !! Well done once again Mr. Law . This is an Epic list .
HA HA !! Well done once again Mr. Law . This is an Epic list .
Your Reply:



-4
6:04AM on 06/16/2012

Great List

The only movie truly missing from this list is The Expendables. That movie was the time machine that brought back the amazing 80s action flick. Just put guns and explosions in a film and it doesn't matter what the plot is, it's going to be awesome.
The only movie truly missing from this list is The Expendables. That movie was the time machine that brought back the amazing 80s action flick. Just put guns and explosions in a film and it doesn't matter what the plot is, it's going to be awesome.
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2:26AM on 06/16/2012
My friend swears by this damn movie; so I severed all ties and now we are ecks-friends
My friend swears by this damn movie; so I severed all ties and now we are ecks-friends
Your Reply:



12:08AM on 06/16/2012

Flimmaker1473

I disagree on 4. Indiana Jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull may not be as good as the first three films. But it is a good film. Other then that good list.
I disagree on 4. Indiana Jones and the kingdom of the crystal skull may not be as good as the first three films. But it is a good film. Other then that good list.
Your Reply:



7:01PM on 06/15/2012
The first movie my Dad bought on iTunes was "Don't Mess With The Zohan". Because he thinks it's hilarious. I'll never understand that.
The first movie my Dad bought on iTunes was "Don't Mess With The Zohan". Because he thinks it's hilarious. I'll never understand that.
Your Reply:



6:59PM on 06/15/2012

Personally...

I thought this film was a breath of fresh ass.

(Also a definite guilty pleasure)
I thought this film was a breath of fresh ass.

(Also a definite guilty pleasure)
Your Reply:



5:25PM on 06/15/2012

Same here

My dad loves Van Helsing too !
My dad loves Van Helsing too !
Your Reply:



4:50PM on 06/15/2012
Funny list and smart idea. I think this is a concept we all can relate to.
Funny list and smart idea. I think this is a concept we all can relate to.
Your Reply:



3:57PM on 06/15/2012
My Dad likes the dumbest comedies ever made. Anything with slapstick. You've never seen a grown man laugh so hard as he does when Daniel Stern gets hit in the head with a brick in Home Alone 2 or Joe Montegna's crotch on fire in Baby's Day Out.
My Dad likes the dumbest comedies ever made. Anything with slapstick. You've never seen a grown man laugh so hard as he does when Daniel Stern gets hit in the head with a brick in Home Alone 2 or Joe Montegna's crotch on fire in Baby's Day Out.
Your Reply:



2:57PM on 06/17/2012
Yes I have. My dad lost his mind when we saw Home Alone 2 and that brick scene happened. I used to watch it all the time as a kid and we would laugh everytime. Cool to see someone else has a similar experience.
Yes I have. My dad lost his mind when we saw Home Alone 2 and that brick scene happened. I used to watch it all the time as a kid and we would laugh everytime. Cool to see someone else has a similar experience.
2:18PM on 06/15/2012

test

test
test
Your Reply:



1:32PM on 06/15/2012
Fuck you're a good writer, Jim, but this list is breakin' my heart
Fuck you're a good writer, Jim, but this list is breakin' my heart
Your Reply:



1:09PM on 06/15/2012
This is actually one of Van Damme's best movies. "Die Hard meets hockey." For all of the "Die Hard meets" movies made during the 90's this was one of the better ones. Bonus: Van Damme actually acts a little as well.
This is actually one of Van Damme's best movies. "Die Hard meets hockey." For all of the "Die Hard meets" movies made during the 90's this was one of the better ones. Bonus: Van Damme actually acts a little as well.
Your Reply:



+17
11:04AM on 06/15/2012
My dad likes Battlefield Earth, nuff said.
My dad likes Battlefield Earth, nuff said.
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10:31AM on 06/15/2012

In your father's defense

It did feature Lee van Cleef as the bad guy, a slightly different Norris look(no beard, just the stache) and the cheesiest echo voiceover ever!
It did feature Lee van Cleef as the bad guy, a slightly different Norris look(no beard, just the stache) and the cheesiest echo voiceover ever!
Your Reply:



+8
10:28AM on 06/15/2012
Your dad has a friend on this one. Wild Wild West is a guilty favourite of mine, although it's possibly 99% for Kenneth Branagh's insane beard.
Your dad has a friend on this one. Wild Wild West is a guilty favourite of mine, although it's possibly 99% for Kenneth Branagh's insane beard.
Your Reply:



+3
10:25AM on 06/15/2012
You forgot to mention the greatest scene in the movie, when he fights the penguins mascot. Might be the most awesome death scene in a Van Damme film.
You forgot to mention the greatest scene in the movie, when he fights the penguins mascot. Might be the most awesome death scene in a Van Damme film.
Your Reply:



+5
9:01AM on 06/15/2012
Easily one of the stupidest movies ever made. Easily.
Easily one of the stupidest movies ever made. Easily.
Your Reply:



8:27AM on 06/15/2012
Nice top 10 list. My dad he... had a thing for chick flicks, like Lifetime movies. His mindset was if I can get into the mindset of what women think then I can better understand women and comprehend how they think.
Nice top 10 list. My dad he... had a thing for chick flicks, like Lifetime movies. His mindset was if I can get into the mindset of what women think then I can better understand women and comprehend how they think.
Your Reply:



7:55AM on 06/15/2012
I remember picking this up at the video store when I was going through a phase of watching any '30s or '40s set gangster/detective movies. And yeah, I hated it.
I remember picking this up at the video store when I was going through a phase of watching any '30s or '40s set gangster/detective movies. And yeah, I hated it.
Your Reply:



+19
7:02AM on 06/15/2012

Lol

Bravo! Best 10 Spot in a while. Loved it.
Bravo! Best 10 Spot in a while. Loved it.
Your Reply:



6:56AM on 06/15/2012
Agreed. At least Pam could marginally act. What can Kim Karashian do? Sleeping with NBA players doesn't count as a talent in my book.
Agreed. At least Pam could marginally act. What can Kim Karashian do? Sleeping with NBA players doesn't count as a talent in my book.
Your Reply:



6:54AM on 06/15/2012
This is a great list. Many of those movies are personal guilty pleasures of mine. My Dad's criteria for movie night is "it must contain an aircraft carrier". He's also a connoisseur of sorts of Steven Seagal movies. I keep trying to steer him towards slightly "smarter" action flicks but we usually end up watching Pearl Harbour.
This is a great list. Many of those movies are personal guilty pleasures of mine. My Dad's criteria for movie night is "it must contain an aircraft carrier". He's also a connoisseur of sorts of Steven Seagal movies. I keep trying to steer him towards slightly "smarter" action flicks but we usually end up watching Pearl Harbour.
Your Reply:



6:53AM on 06/15/2012
I agree with your dad about the Wings in the Stanley Cup! Fellow Detroiter here! However, I've never seen this movie. JCVD on Ice sounds like I'll need to check it out!
I agree with your dad about the Wings in the Stanley Cup! Fellow Detroiter here! However, I've never seen this movie. JCVD on Ice sounds like I'll need to check it out!
Your Reply:



+0
6:22AM on 06/15/2012

NIce list & great list idea!

My dad's favorite comedy to this day is Cabin Boy.
My dad's favorite comedy to this day is Cabin Boy.
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4:42AM on 06/15/2012
Haha! I feel you on this because I don't know what it was about this movie, I mean it had Chuck kicking-ass and everything but.. It was still BORING.
Haha! I feel you on this because I don't know what it was about this movie, I mean it had Chuck kicking-ass and everything but.. It was still BORING.
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4:33AM on 06/15/2012
Strangely I though this movie was ok because at least I got see a 'human' side to JCVD unlike the predicatble-badass he normally plays.
Strangely I though this movie was ok because at least I got see a 'human' side to JCVD unlike the predicatble-badass he normally plays.
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3:21AM on 06/15/2012
I had a similar experience, although it was when my Dad recorded it off TV - lucky for me I was able to curl up and fall asleep on the floor.
I had a similar experience, although it was when my Dad recorded it off TV - lucky for me I was able to curl up and fall asleep on the floor.
Your Reply:



3:16AM on 06/15/2012
The production design on this is amazing - I'm sure your Dad appreciated it big time!
The production design on this is amazing - I'm sure your Dad appreciated it big time!
Your Reply:



3:14AM on 06/15/2012

Die Hard on Ice

I liked Van Damme in this. However I thought the violence in the first 20 mins or so was particularly nasty, it kind of stopped me from enjoying the rest of the film as much as I might have done.
I liked Van Damme in this. However I thought the violence in the first 20 mins or so was particularly nasty, it kind of stopped me from enjoying the rest of the film as much as I might have done.
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