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03.25.2009by: Jim Law

Jessica Biel's 10 Hottest Moments

I seemed to be having some sort of Jessica Biel overload the last couple weeks. Everywhere I turned, there she was. I took this as a sign and set myself on a mission to uncover everything that she's ever done to make herself such a dominating force in my life. I was just going to mail this column in - take ten scenes out of her films and post a picture for each - but I decided to go the extra mile and really dig deep for some quality pics and any video we had on her. And because I'm sick of hearing my own thoughts telling me what to write - less talky, more Biely.

Honourable Mention: Being Jessica Rabbit on SNL

This wasn't all that great to tell the truth. Hardly funny, minimal angles, but there's something about having my inner child collide with the perverted thirty-something in me. Funny thing is though, the character is still hotter as a cartoon.


Other than a fantastic performance by Jason Statham, LONDON features some great sexiness, a lot of side boob, impressive pussy-whipping abilities, and flashback sex all courtesy of our heroine. She plays the hot ex-girlfriend better than anyone in the world.


If I ever tell you that I don't mind THE TEXAS CHAINSAW MASSACRE remake, it's because of Jessica Biel. Her skin tight jeans and white tank top set up a sub-plot for me all on their own. When will she get wet? Bingo. I'd love to see her from behind. Bingo. Does she love me? ..........


I have to stick with the trailer here since the DVD does go straight to shelves until June. Whatever - this could have been a laundry detergent commercial, as long as Ms. Biel is a stripper it'll be on this list.


How come the real life slutty girls you meet in life don't ever look like this? The easy girls that went to my collage could have been on the men's wrestling team. So big and aggressive they were. Jessica Biel comes walking down the hall in front of my basketball team in '94 shit-faced, wearing her underwear and she's probably scarred for life the next morning.

6. The Gear Magazine Shoot

After four years on '7th Heaven' Jess decided it was time to spice up her career. Posing semi-nude on the cover of a magazine at the age of 17 will do just that. God bless her. This was the moment that made her career and even though she says she regrets it now, I'm sure she doesn't mind being a millionaire and rubbing privates with Timberlake every night.

5. The GQ Magazine Shoot

Seven years after the Gear shoot Jessica proves she's still got it (all of it) by setting our eyes on fire again with this layout in GQ. There's not much going wrong in these pictures. Pokies, the perfect tan, a tiny little tat, the hint of a camel toe. I need a time-out.


This one of those movies you sit through because you heard about this scene. I was slightly disappointed at first. Sure she's in a bikini and she's wet but all these fades are fucking with my concentration and shirtless dude keeps getting in the frame. Then it happened..... that shot of her ass just might be the closest thing I've ever had to proof of a God.


I was told there was a pool scene in this movie that rivals Phoebe Cates' in FAST TIMES. After laughing at the messenger and schooling him in the details of gratuitous nudity perfection (and slapping him across the face eight times) I popped it in and waited. Fuck me. Mind you, the lack of bare breasts is a big factor when it comes to Phoebe's continued superiority but I'll be the first to admit I wish I was Freddie Prinze Jr.


A couple guys act gay so they can get some benefits. I have no interest in a film with a synopsis like that, yet, I've watched this film five times. Like I said earlier, anything this woman appears in is becoming like a religion to me. I will donate to her career as long as it gives me something to pray about whenever I get frisky.

1. Just Being Jessica Biel

What else can be said? I'll be the first guy in line at a paparazzi sacrifice if the world ever smartens up and such things start popping up around the world, but sometimes I can't deny the genius of their work. Sure, she makes their job pretty easy by living in a bikini and bending over all the time but just the fact that they can look at those images above and keep their camera steady makes them a better man than me.



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