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02.08.2012by: Jim Law
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TEN SPOT: 10 Awesome Movie Classes

Before anybody gets confused here, I'm not talking about academic courses such as 'Bangs & Booms: An Introduction to the Films of Michael Bay'. I'm talking about the actual students that made up the class. Like my grade 6 music class which was made up of retards and low-lifes that couldn't tell the difference between a tuba and a triangle. I once fell asleep while playing the drums and chipped a girl's tooth because I fell off my seat and landed on her face while she was trying to play the trombone. Who the fuck plays the trombone? Bitch. That class isn't on the list. These guys are.

Honorable Mention: Toddlers & Tumors - Kindergarten Cop

Isn't it funny that I love this movie yet, if somebody like Statham or The Rock made this film today I would shit all over it without even watching? Because I can? I might even Tweet about it if it amps up the coolness factor. I just learned that I'm hypocritical douche, and learning is what today is all about, folks. And being a douche.

10. Learning Your AC/DCs - School of Rock

I had a grade 5 teacher just like Jack Black. But instead of focussing on our freakishly good musical talents and helping us absorb life lessons through the power of song, dude was obsessed with dodgeball. 90% of our day was spent out on the court we painted just outside our classroom (seriously). It was awesome. I'm pretty sure he got fired after some little pussy had his testicle ruptured during economics.

9. Calculus & Comb-Overs - Stand and Deliver

I somehow found the only picture of him wearing a hat but you have to believe me when I say that E.J. Olmos sports the worst hair in the history of cinema for this role. It's incredible. Anyhoo, just hearing the word "calculus" makes me feel stupid. I already have this movie queued up for when my kids start asking for help with their math homework. "If Gangster La Bamba can learn it, Son, so can you. Now, leave me the fuck alone."

8. Remedial English with The Shoop! - Summer School

I had to go to summer school between grades 6 and 7. It was the most depressing bullshit I have had to endure. My friends would stand outside and press their ass cheeks against the windows. They'd point and laugh while slamming their faces into slushies and build ramps just outside the door so I had to listen to all their outrageous stunts. Two weeks into it I threatened my Mom's life and dropped out. If I had a teacher like Shoop though, the joke would be on them. And I wouldn't have had to repeat grade 6. Again.

7. The Sidekicks - Sky High

A recent re-visit to this film taught me it wasn't as great as I thought it was. Out of the hands of Disney though, and into the hands of a serious director backed by any rating higher than a G and this film is gold. We can even keep Mary Elizabeth Winstead and add some side-boob. I get grumpier by the day.

6. Captain's Guide to Carpe Diem (English) - Dead Poets Society

Great movie and all but if I was in this class, or in anything called a prep-school for that matter, I would have hung myself. Oh..... too soon? Did they just edit out all the parts where these kids get their asses handed to them in the smoking area? Do prep-schools even have tough kids or is it just a bunch of slap fights and poem battles?

5. Music, Meth, and Malevolence - Class of 1984

This is more like it - Oh, Chaos, my Chaos. Even the prisons need feeder schools, yo. Do they offer scholarships for selling drugs? Probably. More importantly, did you know Michael J. Fox is in this? That's the sound of me droppin' knowledge on yo face. Respect. I would last 8 seconds in this high school.

4. Academy for Wayward Little Assholes - Lord of the Flies

I went with the remake here because I'm pretty sure they were all from the same military school (although, I refuse to really look into it). In the original I think the kids were from a bunch of different schools from all over England (again, I don't really care. In fact, why do I even have to explain this shit at this point? Is anybody even reading this?). Whatever the case, I was Team Sawyer.

3. How Not to be a Freak and Kick a Little Ass - X-Men: First Class

Extra credit if you're blue! I wonder at what point Xavier stopped doing all the fun montage training type classes and started making them actually sit in a classroom. Probably after he had his spine blown out and had to perform mind-rape so that chick would stop calling him. Bitter old bastard.

2. Thwarting Soviet Occupancy 101- Red Dawn

Were all these guys even in the same class? It's hard to tell as the Russians start falling from the sky and kick off the most unorganized takeover in the history of the world by randomly firing machine guns at a high school in the middle of nowhere. Then Swayze plows through in his pick-up, like an uber-sexy Captain America, and starts scooping up random punks in varsity jackets. Imagine they tried remaking this movie with Asian instead of Russians? Oh...... balls.

1. 3-B - Battle Royale

I have a bunch of friends that are teachers. When I tell them about this you can actually see a spark go off deep behind their glazed eyes. Who doesn't want to watch kids kill each other? Some days that's all I want to see. Every flat-brimmed baseball hat, baggy pants wearing, shit talking, phone hoarding, TWILIGHT praising, collar popping little asshole. Throw them all into the jungle and let things sort themselves out. I love this movie with a passion.

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5:39AM on 02/10/2012

Even better!

There's a Japanese movie I downloaded recently in which the teacher told the students that she was going to teach them about sex. he girls were shy but she showed them that she could make a guy cum just by giving him a hand job. The guy then went around the class and everybody touched his dick. In the next scene, she gave a guy a blow job. (Maybe it was the same guy: we never saw his face.) The girls all took turns sucking his dick and they applauded when the guy came in one of their
There's a Japanese movie I downloaded recently in which the teacher told the students that she was going to teach them about sex. he girls were shy but she showed them that she could make a guy cum just by giving him a hand job. The guy then went around the class and everybody touched his dick. In the next scene, she gave a guy a blow job. (Maybe it was the same guy: we never saw his face.) The girls all took turns sucking his dick and they applauded when the guy came in one of their mouths. Finally the teacher had sex with a guy in front of the girls and asked if one of the girls could so the same thing. One of the girls had sex with him and the other girls all applauded when the guy came. Wait. Come to think of it I think that was a porno so maybe it doesn't qualify for this list.
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+0
5:53PM on 02/08/2012
Good category. This could have easily been a top 20 list.
Good category. This could have easily been a top 20 list.
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2:45PM on 02/08/2012

LOVE THIS MOVIE!

"That's right. Tough guys don't do math...tough guys deep fry chicken for a living." - Jaime Escalante
"That's right. Tough guys don't do math...tough guys deep fry chicken for a living." - Jaime Escalante
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1:26PM on 02/08/2012

Oh Captain! My Cocaine!

Robin Williams maintains a safe distance from the old peruvian marching powder for two films in a row. 'The Fisher King' will make it 3!
Robin Williams maintains a safe distance from the old peruvian marching powder for two films in a row. 'The Fisher King' will make it 3!
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12:03PM on 02/08/2012
It probably didn't keep him from having an A+.
It probably didn't keep him from having an A+.
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+2
12:01PM on 02/08/2012
Haha, is that really a legit pic of Franco passed out in class?
Haha, is that really a legit pic of Franco passed out in class?
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11:53AM on 02/08/2012
lmao, great top 10, saw majority of these films. Speaking of Red Dawn, it's amazing that it crossed my mind just a couple minutes ago before I came across this Top list... wow. What? did I just read your mind foo' ?
lmao, great top 10, saw majority of these films. Speaking of Red Dawn, it's amazing that it crossed my mind just a couple minutes ago before I came across this Top list... wow. What? did I just read your mind foo' ?
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6:39PM on 02/08/2012
You know it's kind of funny. I was just talking to a friend about an hour ago, and he said that he woke up this morning and Red Dawn was on tv. Then I come across this...
You know it's kind of funny. I was just talking to a friend about an hour ago, and he said that he woke up this morning and Red Dawn was on tv. Then I come across this...
11:46AM on 02/08/2012
Is anybody reading this!? Yes, intently. Don't be silly. Some of us are just too lazy to comment unless our reading-thisness is challenged.

Which reminds me: you're awesome.
Is anybody reading this!? Yes, intently. Don't be silly. Some of us are just too lazy to comment unless our reading-thisness is challenged.

Which reminds me: you're awesome.
Your Reply:



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